I have been seeing a girl I admire deeply for about 4 months. It's hard to ascertain exactly when we became attached, but after a month or so I only had eyes for her. And she was extremely descriptive that I was the only one for her. I sensed though that there was some other issues she had to sort out and one of which seemed to be an ex-b who she had been on and off with for about 4 years. The best friend she had ever had.<P> She was still very much in love with him and although she admitted he wasn't right for her, she said she couldn't let go. She said that although they annoy each other, she always thought that she would end up with him in the end. I think when I came on the scene she realised that she had to make a decision on which one of us to choose. I thought best thing to do was for her to make this decision herself and I didn't once express jealousy or pressure. If she picked him than that's fine or if she picked me than that's okay too, whichever makes her happy. <P>She kept assuring me he was no threat just good friends. And she was telling me that I was number 1, and I was the best and lots more, although I got the feeling that she was only keeping me because her ex-b was not willing to commit to her and while she didn't want to lose him, she didn't want to lose me either. There were a couple times that she spent entire weekends with him and other friends, didn't call me or return my calls, but I never asked what happened or where she was. A couple of times after 3 days of not hearing from her I would figure that she had made her decision to choose him instead of me, and she maybe even made love to him, and I would decide not to see her again. But when she did call me and catch up, she would just go crazy about how much she loved me and I was the best etc, making me feel as though there was no way she would do anything. She sadi she would never do anything to hurt me. So maybe I was just paranoid. It seems on one hand I have what commonsense it telling me and on the other what she was telling me. Well ex-b last Thursday flew to the other side of the world and in doing so made her decision pretty easy. <P>Since then she has been the most awesome g-f ever, never seen someone be so damn nice. I have this huge feeling that she in this last few months she has slept with him, maybe not even just once. I could quite easily handle her playing a bit in the first month or so, but after that I think this would really bother me. She has stated to me that she has slept with someone during the past 4 months but it was a long time ago. I love this woman to death and this is killing me. We didn’t have any firm commitment, so even if she did sleep with him, it may not have been ethically wrong, but the way she spoke to me made me feel so special I think ti would still really hurt. I feel that now he is gone she would do anything to keep me, even if that means lying or twisting the truth around a little. She can sense something is not 100% right with me, and being a smart woman I think she realises that her having slept with someone else may be an issue for me. I don’t whether the best option for getting the truth out of her is just to ask her straight out, when and who was the last person she got intimate with was. Or maybe over a few drinks ask her casually. Or point the finger that someone told me she wasn’t faithful. I just want the truth. <P>[This message has been edited by Tram (edited April 04, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Tram (edited April 04, 2001).]

Hi Tram,<P>Well, that's a doozy. What concerns me is that although it's only been 4 months, and you realize now that you can't trust her (or you wouldn't be so worried about how to get the truth to come out) you're still continuing the relationship. You sound like a nice guy, and she sounds like she's still hung up on the other guy, why would you want to be second place? Maybe I'm missing something here but it seems as though you've already overlooked a lot and forgiven a lot, and 4 months into a relationship is pretty early to have to be doing that.

I agree with younglove. Why would you want to be with someone you know has cheated on you and is in love with her old boyfriend. You imply she is with you only because the old boyfriend is now half way around the world. Find someone who will see you as number one. You are short changing yourself and are accepting a lot. What will happen if the old boyfriend eventually returns? If she cheated on you once which she admitted she will no doubt cheat on you again in the future. Look for someone else because you deserve better.

Thanks for your replies. Well Thursday night I finally mustered up the courage to ask her. We were both in a bit of a (happy) state. We had the best night ever. I kept asking some leading questions, and I got it out of her that she has only cheated once. But it was 1 week ago. Yep, ex-bf just before he left. I was devestated. I acted cool. The next day was torture, I had to have a chat with her Friday night. Well I did. So far, she is quite easily the love of my life, the girl I thought I'd spend forever with. I felt worthless. She was so sorry. Said it a million times. But it didn't feel better. The pain inside my stomach did not go away. Dropped her off this morning without actually saying what was going to happen. Need a couple of days to think it over. What a terrible feeling this is.<p>[This message has been edited by Tram (edited April 06, 2001).]

Sorry for your sadness, Tram.<P>It may help you to browse a bit on the infidelity boards, to see that you are not alone in your feelings, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...<P>...BUT... the people on the infidelity board are dealing with cheating in marriage... they stay and try when it's easier to run out of respect for their marriage vows... whereas you have no such ties. Once the vows are made, salvaging and reviving the relationship is the ideal, but maintaining a dating relationship after cheating still puzzles me. <P>Good luck, my friend. I fear you will need it in buckets.