My wife caught me looking at another woman a while ago. We haven't been able to get past it. We haven been married almost 9 months now. I've said some things and made some promises and failed to follow up on them. On top of all that we've had some money problems. I'm a full-time student in college working a two part-time jobs. She works full time. My schoolwork has lessened the amount of time we have for each other. It's frustrating for the both of us. I don't know how to express my feelings very well. I've always had a problem communicating my thoughts and ideas. When we do talk our problems it does help, but eventually I end up doing the same thing...talking a good game and not learning anything from our talk. My wife thinks I want her to look like a supermodel or something and I don't. I've told her and it doesn't help any. The fact that I've looked at other women pretty much wipes that out. I don't think we'll ever get passed it and that it will ruin what we have. I didn't come through on the fact that I was going to help her achieve the weight she wants to be at and that is also against me. I understand how she feels and that I have let her down too many times. I hardly ever get mad at her about anything. I'm usually the person that causes everything to go wrong. I don't know how to save this marriage. I'm a failure as a husband and I don't want to hurt her anymore. I feel she's better off without me and that she can do better. I don't want that, but right now things are bad...very bad. I know whoever may be reading this is wondering why are you looking at other women. So I'll do my best to explain. I suppose it all starts with my slight obsession with pornography. And that all started when I was young. It started out at just girls in bathing suits and such. And I took a peek in a couple of magazines. It escalated to another level when I found the Internet in 1997. You can kinda fill in the blanks from there. When we were boyfriend and girlfriend I told her about the thing that I had, but she didn't really listen. She thought I was twisted and didn't want to here it. She's a really religious young woman. I've gotten a whole lot better about it now. And I am kicking it, but I just can't stop myself from looking at someone else. It's a deep-seated habit that I can't knock. I don't gawk or stare, but I guess it doesn't matter. A look is a look, right? I try to do whatever I can to avoid looking in the direction of a woman other than my wife. When we go out I can just sense she's on patrol looking at me to see if I'm looking at someone else. It makes me uneasy because we can't even walk through the mall because there's nothing but scantily-clad women around and I might as well be called guilty. What am I to do?? I love my wife. I'm in love with my wife. I'm lost. I don't want to lose everything.

Hi uscman,<BR> <BR>you've come to the right place. If you haven't read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts yet, go to the parent site of the forum (www.marriagebuilders.com) and follow the links.<P>You mentioned in your post that communication is a problem, and so is finding time to spend together. I wonder if the problem communicating isn't the result of the time problem? Despite your busy schedules, you need to spend at least 15 hours of time (without distractions) with your wife every week first to strengthen your marriage, and then to keep it strong. I know it sounds impossible, but it reaps great rewards. Here's a link to Dr. Harley's page about "The Rule of Time":<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3904_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3904_rules.html</A> <P>As for your "slight obsession with pornography", porn has been the topic of many a heated debate on the forum! In the end, though, it's hurting your wife, and out of respect for her feelings and for the stability of the marriage, you need to stop looking at it. I would guess the reason she dislikes it so is that most porn presents the ideal woman as being an unrealistically low weight, then looking curvy thanks to the marvels of saline and plastic. It's an actress' job to look good, she has all day to work on it. But most women in the real world don't have that kind of time, and feel there's no way to compete with the images of women in porn. Find a good counselor in your area, or join a support group... if you truly have an "obsession" with porn, it'll be very difficult to kick.<P>It sounds as if your wife is very insecure... "she caught me looking at another woman...we haven't been able to get past it". I know you've only been married for 9 months, maybe it's just that she thought you'd see only her for at least the first year or two of marriage? If you can find ways to meet her emotional needs and help her feel more loved and cared for, perhaps her careful surveillance of you will stop. <P>

Wow. Your wife is mad at you because she caught you looking at another woman and you don't think the two of you can get past it. Take it from an old timer (11 years of marriage), these types of situations will lessen over the length of your marriage. Right now you two are fairly new to your marriage. Obviously your wife will feel threatened by your "slight obsession" with pornography and looking at other women. My wife was to when we were first married. This is normal. What is not normal is not being able to get past it.<P>Am I to believe that your wife never looks at other men and thinks "damn he looks good." I am sure that she has. Would you be upset if she did? I now that I would not because of the trust and love that is contained within my marriage to my wife. She knows I look and I know that she looks. There is nothing wrong with looking. Taking it to the touching level, though, is another story which I am sure you are well aware of if you have read any of the vast numbers of posts involving infidelity.<P>You may want to reassure her that you take your vows seriously and that you would never do anything more than look. Does your wife have a weight problem? If so, it is understandable that she would feel the way that she does. This problem can be overcome, though, by some serious efforts by both partners. Since it appears that you do not have any children, the two of you could join a gym. The more that she feels better about her shape and weight the less she will stress over you looking at other women. In fact, she may have the looks coming her way. I know that my wife gets looks all the time. At first that bothered me, but now I consider myself lucky to have a wife that other men find attractive. I have total trust in her that she would never do anything with another man. Trust is a wonderful thing in marriage. Without it the marriage is surely to fail.<P>I don't think that you have failed your wife and marriage. You just do the things that a majority of your male counterparts do, i.e. look at other women and pornography. Your wife needs to trust the vows that you have taken. How you get this through to her I don't know. I do know that over time her feelings with this issue will lessen. Good Luck.

Have you asked her if she ever looks at other men? To me seeing the beauty in the oppostie sex is not a bad thing. I had a girlfriend who was slighty overweight once. I loved her and it didn't matter to me. I can honestly say I saw other women that were more attractive physically, but I liked my girlfriend physically enough and really loved her personality. So I learned from this. When I looked at another woman, I would talk to her about it and she would do the same. It was more like a fun game. She would see a guy and tell me he was attractive and I would laugh and say, "yeah, but he can't kiss like me." or I would even say something more sexual. It was fun and being totally honest was great. It allowed us to be more open with each other. Sometimes I would even pick out a guy I thought she would think was attractive and she would just smile.<P>Now to back all of this up, you must make your wife feel attractive to you. Most of it is sexual, but you need to touch her like you are enjoying her and look at her as if you enjoy being with her. Make her feel like you want her. I am not going to get into graphic detail, but you should get the point. She needs to feel you are attracted to her and she will get past this other issue of you looking at other women hopefully. <P>As for the porn, I guess I am not ashamed of porn. All the women I have been with so far allow me to bring it into our lives together and not have porn just for me. It adds a whole new sexual demension. Your wife being very religious probably puts a damper on this one, but it is important in any relationship to have good sex. I don't know if everyone agrees with me, but I think is is a very high priority to find the sexual barriers between both of you and explore every possibility you can without making the other uncomfortable. It seems too many people think sex is a dirty thing and I think that causes a lot of problems.<P>These are strictly my opinions and they have worked very well for me.<P>------------------<BR>Thanks for reading.