This is my first time to attempt something like this so please bare with me. <BR> Me and my wife have been married for 8 months now. We have always had small arguements due to issues I have such as jealousy, insecruity, and lack of trust. These emotional faults I deal with stem alot from my child hood and past relation ships. But back to my concerns. My emotions have really been a problem since she got a new job. Before she had a job where only females worked, now she has a new job in which she works with both sexes, This has been really tough on me, Let me explain our working conditions, She works grave yard and I work swing, So she leaves for work at 10:30 pm and gets back at 7:15 am and I go to work at 4pm and work till about 10. so we really never see one another which is really making things more difficult for me. but back to the issue she works with a guy and I feel really treatend by this guy, for one reason because i am scared that since she spends 8 hours a night with him and maybe a couple hours a day wtih me, that maybe he is going to be the one that is meeting her emotional needs because her and I our never together. So feeling threatend I made the mistake of persuading her not to talk to this guy about un work related topics, which I realize was a immature and wrong thing to request, but she agreed because she seen how hurt I was about the whole situation. But it was a promise that she could not keep. And ended up making excuses like where we go for vacation is work related and he brought up the conversasion. Now please realize that i understand how out of line I was and that I am really trying to get past my issues but it is a struggle every day and sometimes I lose the struggle. I also feel that a promise is a promise and even if it is wrong it should still be kept, I am really big about telling the truth and not being lied to. So i was really hurt to find out that she broke her promise and it has made things even harder on us. But i have been dealing with it better until lately. We just had a baby she is about 2 months old now. And I love my daughter to death, but she has made things alot more challenging. And has created even less time for my wife and I. But the thing that is really bothering me is that for the last couple of months my wife has seemed really distant and has shown very little affection of attraction towards me, and has returned to work. My question is could her lack of affection and attraction be a result of a hormonal imbalance and if so how long does it ussually last after preganancy, my next question is how does a person deal with feelings of jealusy, insecruity and lack of trust do to child hood issues. and my third questions is should I feel threatend about this guy she works with and how should I cope with it. Please realize that I am working on these issues and I dont want you to think I am a horrible husband because I love my wife with all my heart and I really dont want these feelings I have but I cant seem to controll them. And the most important thing to me is my family and making my marriage work, Because i feel marriage is not a bond that should be broken. another thing I want to add about the guy she works with is that I was really upset and hurt and it did not change my wifes actions should she not talk to this guy if it makes me feel secure? One more thing I wanted to add is that while she was on maternity leave we hardly argued at all. So all our aurguements stem mainly from this guy at work dont you think if it was this big of an issue to me that she would not want to do it. <P> Thank you for your time. and for any replies that I get I apperciate any advise you can give.

First, many women do expereince a lack of desire for quite a while after childbirth. As I recall, it has something to do with hormone levels (and exhaustion!).<P>Secondly, you and your wife do need more time together...any way to change schedules?<P>Lastly, who knows about this guy at work...he may or may not be a threat. Your best insurance against him being a threat is to be meeting your wife's emotional needs really, really well at home. I do not know what her top ENs are, but good communication is often a biggie for women, as well as feeling loved and "special". Are you guys making any time for the occasional date?<P>Have you read the Basic Concepts material here (See CONCEPTS link at top of page)???

After reading the first response, I ditto the<BR>same questions and responses. Meeting her<BR>top needs would be your foremost security in<BR>keeping her loyal to you. <P>In addition, I would be asking her the question,<BR>"How can I meet your needs more at home when <BR>we are together?" as well as, "How am I NOT<BR>meeting your needs" (and then, of course, <BR>changing to meet her needs immediately.<BR>Hopefully, she'll be straight up with you about<BR>her needs. <P>Remember, she is probably totally exhausted<BR>physically (and you probably are, too!). Try<BR>doing more things for her at home to help her<BR>without having to ask her what to do and take<BR>some initiative on your own around the home<BR>and taking care of your daughter. <P>The jealousy you are feeling is real, I'm sure.<BR>But asking yourself "Why am I jealous?" might <BR>be some food for thought. Does this other guy<BR>have something I don't? If so, what is it? <BR>Is she receiving something she needs from HIM<BR>that I am not giving to her already? <P>If you ARE meeting her needs, then why is there<BR>a reason to feel jealous????? Jealousy can also<BR>be just a decision to make to get over if looked<BR>at in a different perspective. It's good to feel<BR>a little jealous--this keeps a relationship healthy.<BR>But if you ARE giving her what she needs, then there<BR>really is NO reason to be jealous. <P>Do you spend 8 hours in the work place with females?<BR>If so, then should SHE feel jealous. Maybe it isn't<BR>a factor at all. If not, just forget the point.<P>Have you attend a MB seminar? If so, great, then you<BR>know how important it is to schedule 15 hours of time<BR>together during the week. If not, then I highly<BR>recommend that you make the time to attend and somehow<BR>make it happen. It was very helpful for me. At any<BR>rate, whether you have or have not attended, the<BR>important thing is to TREASURE her and treat her like a<BR>QUEEN...when you do that, what would give her any<BR>reason to want anything more than a casual conversation<BR>with that other guy at work. (Why go out for chicken<BR>(the other guy) when you have steak (YOU) at home?????) <P>Side note--so she talks to this guy at work...is this<BR>REALLY a big, big deal? Conversation can be just<BR>conversation, right? If YOU are meeting her conversation<BR>needs on a regular basis, there probably isn't any <BR>reason to be concerned. If you are NOT meeting her<BR>needs, then you'll have to brainstorm together to<BR>figure out how to meet them in a way that works for<BR>both of us. <P>Suggestion: Leave love letters in her purse before <BR>she goes to work; put special memory thoughts in her <BR>meal that YOU make for her (even if it just a peanut<BR>butter sandwich-ha!). Keep doing wonderful things<BR>for her--you will give her reason to talk to this<BR>other guy about YOU and how WONDERFUL you are! What<BR>would there be reason to fear if she is talking about<BR>YOU and how much she loves you and how much you are<BR>treasuring HER???<P>Blessings to you

I really apperciate all your imput, and you are right that it is probely nothing to worry about, but on a quick note I do almost all the house work with out being asked, because I feel that It is just as much my responcibility as hers, also I take care of our daughter from 10:30 at night until 4 in the after noon. so she can get her sleep. I am really a loving husband, and father, I just cant figure out how to get past my jealosy the sad thing is if it wasnt this guy it would be another so it is not her, it is me and I dont know how to cope with my fallings of jealosy and lack of trust! thank you so much for your advice I aperciate it and if you have any advice on dealing with insecruity please let me know!