Please help this is my first time and I shoudve been here a long time ago. I am 21 my wife is 19. We were engaged for a year and were married july 15. I am so hurt right now, I have a long story and very detailed so please read it all, We are both oung and married very early but we were also very muchin love and I know with all my heart she is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. We like evry couple have good and bad days, but I never knew this would be. When we were first married we were both virgins, we both had saved ourselves because we both knew it was what we wanted. I loved the fact that we could share something so intament a part of ourselves with each other. So we get married , but not with everyones blessings, her mom, step dad. They thought since her moms been through 5 marriages and started when she was my w age that she would just do the same thing and be abused and left. Only it wasnt that way, I love her so much I cant stand to be with out her I need her. She is what makes me who I am. I am not a great husband I have had my prob. my probs. are that when we got married i made the mistake of moving in w/ my mom, this caused my wife soooo much stress, on top of that because im so stuck up I wanted a new home and nothing else, I wouldnt have it any other way. So we were gonna get this loan that if you only make so much a year you qualify but we wouldve went over, I lost my job and not on purpose, but I was stupid and thought we would be ok if i worked under the table and just took care of my bills until the loan thing worked. I have been out of work for almost 5 months and that is the secound biggest mistake , it caused her so much stress. However all these things were ad ons to what happend 5 + weeks ago. We were at home alone and putting together this closet thing because we had no room and no house yet and it was getting really hard at my moms. So were putting it together and were getting agervated and then upset to mad to very angry. We started fighting over nothing and all of the sudden we were yelling and screaming and in each others face and I yelled "thats bull *****" and when i did I yelled so loud that I sprayed spit from my mouth, it was not on purpose but the damage was done , and to make matters worse she then spit back in my face to get even, and I just wanted her to stop . she was spraying me w/ spit, and somewhere in between trying to cover her mouth or push her from my face it happend. I would rather die than live that moment again.I pushed her away only my hand pushed her neck. It was not what i was doing and I would never chocke my wife and i didnt choke her, but that push was enough to scare her that I would hurt her or something I wouldnt, I know I have a temper problem but I love her so much and I would never intentionally hurt her. I am so ashamed , I wasnt brought up like that, and im a very God fearing man and I feel like who I was is destroyed because of this. I feel like scum, and almost like I dont deserve this woman I hold so dear.Almost a week ent by after this and I thought we had worked it , that she knew it was a accident, only 1 week after her step dad threatened me for putting my hands on. She and talked that night and sure enough she was still scared, and unsure of us and this situation. I begged for forgiveness, and eventually I thoght we had worked it out.its now been 5 weeks or so and with no warning my wife showed up at our home w/ cops and her mom leading the way, My wife was in tears and could only say "im sorry im not allowed to talk to" this was such a side swipe. <BR>How about a little more background. After we were married we tried to have sex and she was very afraid ,(childhood scars)<BR>and we talked about it and she tried, but we never were able to have sex, and I knew that and I was ok, I loved her , I had waited 20 yrs, I could/wouldve waited another 20 for her, after 5 mo of marriage we finally were able to do it, and at first it was rough , but real quick she was ok enjoying us sharing each others body. What im trying to get at is yhat before this Fri. We have been great, with each other, ut I still had no job or place for us to live. She said she is afraid of me and that I might abuse her but she went on a trip 2-3 weekends ago to N.C. just her and I and we loved it, I loved just talking to her on the drive up, it was the best 1800 miles of my life. Even at our hotel it was great we made love like never before. Im so confused, why didnt she talk to me, why didnt she tell me we still had a problem. I would have listened she has to know that. So why after all this after being so close, after making love on Wed. so passionate, could she leave me on friday with no warnning. On Thur, we were getting ready for bed and i wanted to, and she didnt so i said never mind and she took offense, after telling her its ok you need your sleep ect. I wasnt mad or anything like that. Ten like 2 am I wake up and want to, and I wake her and kiss and rub her back and after like 5 min she pushed me off, and said to stop, but what i didnt get was she initiated some things amd let me do some things that we dont normally do, and i liked them and thought she was doing some things to get ready for our anniversiary. I was so happy that she did, then after 5 min. she was upset over what I was doing so I stopped and told her I was soory and then i kissed her back goodnight and told her I loved her, I took her to work on Fri. at 8;30 and we kissed and she said I love you and at 10;30 she was at my house to leave me.She wont call or answer the phone her mom hates me, her step dad threatens me I want her back I want to make things right but she can only say im not allowed to talk to you. Please someone help me. Im loosing my wife, and my life. I am desperste, i cant eat sleep, all i do is cry. I would give anything to get her back, buut she wont even try,she told her sister that its over, that shes getting a divorce, <P>I cant take this. Ineed her in my life, I neglected her emotions and It was wrong but I dont know what to do now , is this it, am i lost. will ilose the only person who has ever really loved me? I want to work it out but she has her mother n friends influencing her to tottally ignore me and just get a divorce....please help me, I can not live with out her. please

I'm sorry, I don't have much to offer. I saw that no one had responded to you, and wanted to at least offer my best wishes and support. You are both very young, and there is so much hope in your future. You at least are willing to admit your mistakes, and that's a very promising sign. Just take some deep breaths. You will get through this. Keep reading the material on this site, including the Plan A stuff, that will probably help you a lot. In the meantime, just know that your life will go on (even if you are temporarily without her), and you have the choice to live it well. My best wishes to you.

Missingherlove, First I want to say that i'm sorry for you having the situation that you are having. You said that your wife is 19 and you are 21. Talking from a huge amount of experience, your wife has yet not fully matured, and yet has growing to do. Your wife's mother has complete control of her, and intense amount of influence as well, because your wife knows or has seen the kinds of abuse that he mother went through, this is something that is implanted in her mind. So the slightest thing will scare her. She is totally scared. You said that on your trip, the two of you talked and were passionate with no problem, if you notice, her mother wasn't around. So she had her own free will mind. What your wife is feeling is the fact that, if her mother doesn't approve of something, than it can't happen. Her step dad has that control over her mother. Unless the police have told you that there is a restraining order, you can go about contacting her. She is an adult, and so are you. Her dad can threaten you all he wants, and just by that is considered assault. Somehow you have to get your wife to be alone with you, and the two of you have to really talk on the issue, and you have to tell her that you need to get away from her parents. If she really honestly loves you and really knows the kind of person that you are, she will know that there is no reason to have fear of you. By this, the two of you can work together, get away, and start your own lives together, but you must first get her out of her mother's infulence.

Missingherlove, are you still reading on here? Saw your post again under resolving conflict. Just wondering how you are doing?

yep still here and still trying. we have talked and now she says she still loves me but she dosent know who she is anymore and she needs time to think, so we talked and I promised her I would give her time, so she said a week, its killing me, i dont want to break my promise so I cant call her, but i miss her so much that it hurts. Shes all I can think about. I have been working 12-14 hrs a day to try and keep my mind off it but it dosent work. I pray that things get better soon, i miss her and love her and I dont know what I would do If I have screwed things up and lost her.Thanks for everyones advice, i really appreciate it. Sincerly <P>missingherlove

READ the board and post on Emotional needs if you need help.<BR>As I have been told you have to improve yourself before you can improve the marriage.... time and patience...... good luck and keep reading.