I’ve been married for a just a little while. Let’s just say not quite a year. Ya’ll tell me if you have the same experiences as I. A lot of things have changed for one. 1) Sex is all of a sudden given the utmost priority. I mean, when we were just seeing each other we had sex and we had fun. Neither one of us seemed to care if one of us failed to have an orgasm or not. We didn’t have to get books to find new ways to stimulate our sex life and all that. Whether or not I was the most romantic, spontaneous man in the world didn’t matter. Now, that is just the biggest deal in the world. I thought everything was fine, but as soon as I get married I find out that I’m doing everything wrong…that I’ve been doing everything wrong…etc. Orgasms are being faked just to protect my feelings. Why is this?? 2) Loss of individuality. You know how when you’re seeing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. You meet up for a date or something and then you leave to meet another day. You go back to your regular life…your usual hobbies. Your personal space where you can just do whatever you want to do. Why do you have to give all that up once you’re married. For example, you can’t watch what you want to watch on TV unless the both of you want to watch that program. You can’t go to a fast food joint to pick up a bite to eat unless the both of you want to eat something from there. Bottom line…if it’s not mutually agreeable between to two of you then it’s off limits. Those are the two biggest things bothering me. I know the first thing ya’ll are going to ask me is have I talked to my wife about it…and the answer is no. I just wanted to find out if I’m the only one who’s is going through this and whether it’s normal or not. My wife might feel the same way for all I know. That remains to be seen. Anyway, I miss the personal time I had just for me. And I can’t keep trying to be a Superman…you know, Mr. Wonderful. Any responses??

Yes, you are experiencing something normal. The first year is one of adjustment for both sides. <P>And yes, of course you should talk to your wife about it. Learning to negotiate so that both of you get what you need and wind up happy with each other is a key component in a good marriage. Read up on the policy of joint agreement and do the questionnaire on meeting each other's important emotional needs. Then start learning how to do it. <P>The only other advice I can give you is that things are usually a big deal with women for a reason. It may not always be the reason you, or she, thinks it is, but there <I>is</I> a reason. Keep an eye out for patterns in your wife's behavior. <P>What you said about your wife's attitude towards sex is, if anything, a good sign. What has happened is that her view of you has changed from a boyfriend to a lover. What difference would it make how your boyfriend acts in bed, if he might not be here next week? Whereas if your wife expects to be making love with you for the rest of your lives, she really wants you to know what she likes. I would make sure she knows that you will not have your feelings hurt if she tells you what she likes. Do the same for her. Trust me, you will not be sorry. Just don't try to collect advice or give it while you are making love. It is often less threatening to have these discussions somewhere other than bed. <P>What you said about private spaces really hit me too. I can remember that feeling almost of exasperation when I realized my wife was always going to be around the house when I was. Not a bad thing, but something we had to get used to. Best way is both to get comfortable (and make sure she is comfortable) with your hobbies, and to develop some hobbies together. <P>Also keep in mind that women love romance. If you can find something that really hits her hot buttons, it pays off big time. This is especially true if you can figure it out without her telling you. Try different things, and don't ask for reactions, just watch them. If you bring home flowers and she thanks you nicely, puts them in a vase and tosses them after a day or two, but if you leave a love note for her and she cries and tells all her friends about it and mentions it with a smile for days afterwards, you have learned something important. Again, watch the patterns. <P>Learning to live with someone is a matter of finding both their hot buttons and their sore spots, or what Harley calls love busters and love bank deposits. It takes a little effort, but it pays off - a lot. <P>I remember the first year pretty well. Next week will be nineteen years for us, so it can be done - and it should be.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522

Yes it is absolutly normal. You should be glad that she wants to improve things in the bedroom. Better now than finding out in 10 years that improvement (on both sides) was needed. Just remember it is easier to fix small problems than big ones.

USCMAN,<P> I have been married for a year and two months, and I have really learned that marriage is a full learning process. A process of getting to know your spouse inside and out, and it will never always stay the same. There will be change. Just communicate with her your likes and dislikes, as well as her to you. Always keep this in mind, be spontanious, suprise from time to time, express out your full romance to her, and watch things flow. Just grow with the relation ship.