I am a 22 year old male, My wife of 18 months has just come back from a short (8 day) stay with her mother because she needed time alone to answer some of her own questions. She is now back home with me but said she felt pressured to return home. She told me today that she still loves me but she is not In Love with me, and that really hurt me. She is now 21 and feels she got married too young. She just started talking to some single friends 19-23 years old, and wants to party and drink with them now and she has never shown an interest in this before. She says she is very unhappy with our marriage and has talked about divorce. I don't want to lose her. I love this woman wiht all my heart. We are trying to talk things out but she dosent know how to talk about them. She says there is no problem with me and that it is all with her. But I want to help her through it. I'm sure she would rather go back to her moms but that would just kill me to do without her for any other length of time. we can't afford counseling and are considering talking to our pastor even though we are only visiting this church. I just don't know what to do, but I feel that if she leaves again it is all over with, I can't se Us working it out while apart. Thanks,,,,,,

First of all, please don't believe that you can't afford counseling. There are many options. Counselors are supposed to provide help to those who come to them, in the same way that medical doctors cannot ethically refuse care. They should either modify their rates to what you agree that you can pay, or refer you to elsewhere where you can afford it (a clinic or another private counselor). This has been my experience. Counselors don't love reducing their rates, of course, but there are ethic codes that they must follow. If you're not sure where to start, call up your college's counseling center (or local college if you didn't go to college yourself) and ask for a referral. They will have sent many people on for referrals and will have gotten feedback on these counselors, so I would think this is preferrable to just finding someone in the phone book. Another bit of advice about counseling is that you should ask the counselor what his or her approach is. For example, are they an analyst, in that they'll listen to what you say, analyze it and tell you what they think? Are they a behaviorist or cognitivist, who will give you suggestions as to how to change your behavior or your ways of thinking about things? I found a counselor who asked me what I wanted from him and how he could help me, so I was able to tell him that I wanted him to listen to me and reflect back to me what he heard me saying, and maybe also offer suggestions about what to do, but not necessarily give me plans of action.<P>Also, you mentioned that you go to church and are thinking of talking to your pastor. The fact that you are "only visiting this church" shouldn't matter to the pastor. If you are coming for help, he will help you. He will be glad that you felt you could turn to the church and that you wanted to. He *may* refer you to a counselor - I don't know. I don't go to church, so I can't say for sure. Maybe they will feel that this is something you should work out in a religious setting and not a counseling environment, but I really don't know. You will need to decide that for yourself. But I am sure that the pastor will be there for you if you ask.<P>Okay, enough about counseling! I just want you to know that you do have that option.<P>I'm not really sure that I can give you much advice about your situation, but perhaps I can give you some perspective. I was engaged and just broke it off (read 'just cancelled the wedding' for more details) and I don't want to see your relationship go in the direction that mine went. There was a point in my relationship that I felt like I'd been with my boyfriend too long (seven years at that point) and didn't know who I was. We'd gotten together when I was 18 and I had just gotten to college.<P>I was so scared to deal with this, but I didn't even know that I was scared. All I knew what that I wanted to be away from him, around new people, and I wanted to be drinking and partying. If you read my story, you will see that I wasn't dealing with it at that time and didn't deal with it later. I went back to him and thought that I was happy. But the fact that I didn't deal with it came back to haunt me. My boyfriend asked me to go to counseling either alone or with him, and he even got me a referral, but I said that I wanted to work it out "on my own" and so I never went. He and I are both kicking ourselves for this now. He says that he should have pushed me harder, and I know that I should have taken responsibility and gone for my own and for our combined benefit. The problem though is that you can't make someone go. As I said, I don't know that I have any advice for you.... if you read my post, you will see that I'm still very confused about my own situation and I'm just trying to take it day by day, working it out and trying to actually deal with my feelings. I just want to point you in that direction, to try to communicate with her. Hopefully she'll be more willing to communicate with you than I was with my boyfriend. Counseling is definitely a good start, but you both have to want to go and be committed to really working it out. All I know is that not talking about it will only make it worse. Give her some space, but don't just let her go. <BR>

Amazing... first peek at the BB and I find a subject header that totally gains my attention; because it fits my situation like a glove.<P>I'm not sure if I'm following the right protocol of BB's here because I'm not actually providing a response to the author of the original thread; apart from saying that I completely empathize with his situation. Rather, I'd like to post a brief description of my own predicament and see what thoughts others might have on it...<P>We're in our early 30's... 4 years marriage... a long friendship before (all in, it's been probably 10 years)... As I read the material at this web site, I was astounded by the clarity and relevance of the concepts described by Dr Harley but the general theme seemed to be "you fell in love when you courted, married .. then things went south".<P>My problem is that my wife now questions the 'validity' of our love during those courtship days/years (as the case may be)... whether they were for the right reasons etc etc... As you can probably imagine, we don't quite have a magical DeLorean to go back in time and fix things but my frustration is that if the 'problem' is that... how can I possibly rectify it...?<P>Anyone out there who's had similar experiences?<P>Thanks.

Hi all,<P> I've been posting for a month now, but not on this board. However, I should have looked here as well because I'm in a similar situation. <P> We've been married 6 months when my H came to me with the with "I'm not in love with you anymore" speech. Oh, he had other reasons, none of which ever made sense. He too had no idea what he wanted until the pressure got to be so great, we separated. I would give anything to have my marriage back, but he feels it is too late and refuses any counseling.<P> I think some of our problems stem from my husband having depression. He admits to being depressed, but that is not the cause of our marital problems. Yeah, right. Could it be part of yours?<P> So, although I can't offer any advice, I can definately say you are not alone. We all knew the first year was tough, but never expected this, did we? <P> If she is willing to go to counseling, I think that is a good start. Also try reading Divorce Busters by Michele Weidner-Davis. Great advice, and it works along with marriage builders.<P> Good luck and keep me posted. Perhaps we can help each other through this and offer any advice once we find what works.<P> Kathy

try <A HREF="http://www.stopyourdivorce.com" TARGET=_blank>www.stopyourdivorce.com</A> <P>when i did my first 'web search' on marriage counselling, that was the first link the browser had to offer. i read through it and it piqued my interest because the author actually decribed the 'i don't love you any more' scenario.<P>thing is, i got put off by the $40 price on actually downloading the e-book, presumably with all the 'good stuff'. i thought - great, someone trying to make a sale.<P>well... last night, i decided "what the heck is $40 if it might give me some new insights!!"<P>read the book cover to cover into the morning and there's LOTS of good stuff there about how to deal with our situation and you'd be surprised how most of the approaches we take are counter-productive. i feel obliged not to regurgitate the contents of the book so... sorry!<P>i personally arrive at conclusions after taking in as much data as i can. (those of you familiar with human dynamics will probably smile at this...) this book i downloaded gave me great ideas and realizations on how to get past the first hurdles... to restore contact... and I really love the stuff in this site which i think are outstanding thoughts on how to nurture a relationship once you have it (above the romantic love threshold).<P>perhaps one thing i did not mention is that as it is, our careers have my wife and i physically apart for the week and we only meet on weekends... yeah.. i can guess what you're probably thinking... but at any rate.. i'm really geared to start practicing some of the new concepts i've gathered these past few days.<P>good luck to all of us!