I have been married for 6 mos. This is my first marriage and my W second. She has a 4 yr old daughter. We have been through 3 different marriage councilors and she has been to individual counciling. Her councilor thought there may be some co-dependancy issues. Since we have been married, we have fought frequently. Every time we disagree, I feel that she takes it very personnaly and then gets very personal back. I love her dearly, and when she attacks, she hurts me. When I tell her, her response is "stop being a wimp". We have a lot of stresses. She has just started as a new realtor, and I am the only one making money. Her ex-husband has had us to court many times, and we are buying a new house. All along, she has wanted to control every aspect of the relationship. The finances, the house set-up, she wants a professional to do all the work on the new house when I'm capable of doing it myself. We are very strapped for money, and if I ever talk about it, she accuses me of trying to make her feel guilty for not making money. I believe we have enough money, but she has a higher standard of living then me, and is pretty poor with her money management. Anyway, every time I have tried to stand up to her, she has threatened to divorce me (almost once a week). I feel the only way to get control of my life is to call her bluff, but I have to be willing to let her go, and its killing me. I know everything I have said so far is negative, but she really is a wonderful person who has been miserably abused by her father and ex-husband. I love her very much, but am not sure what to do next. I'm a nurse with years of psych experience, but it hasn't helped in this situation where I am so emotionally involved. Tonight I stood up to her, and she is looking for an apartment she can't afford. Any advise?

Hey, I am new at this so take it for what it is worth. I think you have to do something or the money thing will crush you and your marriage. Sounds like she has a problem with control. ( maybe compulsive behavior ) Try video taping or audio taping your next attempt at problem solving. Then watch it together the next night and see if she sees the same thing she is saying. Good Luck

I want to respond to a couple things in your post...<P>You mentioned that you have been through three marriage counselors. What is the reason for this? I wholeheartedly think that you need to carefully evaluate the counselor's abilities, approach, etc. But if you've been through three, I also question whether one or both of you have really been committed to dealing with your problems and working them out. If at least one of you is not committed to it, then it will not work. That would be the first step, I would think - for both of you to really commit to work this out, recognizing how hard it's going to be, but truly wanting that and being willing to open up and be vulnerable.<P>Secondly, you talked a lot about money issues, but it wasn't clear to me what kind of communication is going on about this. You say that she wants to control every aspect of the "relationship" but you refer only to financial decisions. Is each financial decision an argument/conflict? (And are there other conflicts?) Perhaps you also need to compromise yourself. I really do not know - maybe you already do that. But you say, for example, that she wants a professional to do work that you think you can do. Have you tried to compromise here, getting a professional to do some things, while you take on other things? Maybe she is worried that you will say you can do all these things but she doesn't want to wait while you do them, or she feels that you won't get them all done, or whatever she may think, maybe even that doing work yourself reflects your 'financial status' as being lower than she wants to perceive it? Could you compromise, telling her that there are some things that you would really enjoy working on yourself, but that you also respect her reasons for wanting a professional (and you should find out what those really are, without getting upset at her answer), and so you can try to decide together which work you'll do yourself and which you'll hire a professional for? This could work even if you don't have multiple jobs at this time. It could be, okay, we'll hire someone for this, and the next time it comes up I want to do it myself, and the time after that, we'll talk but of course we'll consider hiring someone and at the same time we'll consider that I do it myself too.<P>And finally, I want to respond to your calling her bluff. On the one hand, it's good that you are willing to give her space and allow her to really think about whether that's what she wants. But be very careful about the message you're sending. It sounds like things have escalated, that you're warring, and when you tell her it's okay to go, you could be sending her a message that you want her to go. You said that you "called her bluff," not that you talked it over and she expressed that this is really what she needs and wants, and that you told her you want her to stay but you will also be willing to give her the space if that's what she needs. Please, if you really want to work this out with her, tell her that. Tell her that you love her and that you want to go through the hard work of dealing with this *with* her. You can't force her to work this out with you, but you can let her know that that is what you want. Maybe you've already said this, and if so, say it again. Make it clear. I know I need to hear things like that more than once. Saying it once is great, but emphasizing shows you really mean it.<P>I also urge you to talk with her about *how* to work this out. You will need to agree on the level of honesty you will express to each other. For example, can she say things that are hurtful, just as a way of getting them out in the open? Can you tell her that it hurts you, without her feeling defensive? If you're not ready for that, then you may not be ready to talk. But if you are ready, try it a just a little bit. Maybe don't take on every issue, but start with a couple things.<P>I just think it's important that you don't let her leave without expressing to her that it's not what you want, and that what you want is to work it out with her and that means really talking, not arguing, not getting defensive, and not resorting to the idea of divorce unless for some reason you've really dealt with everything and that's the only option. Of course divorce is an option, and maybe keeping that in mind helps her not to feel trapped. So tell her that you'll let her go if that's what she really wants. But if it's not what she wants (and from your story, it doesn't sound like that's really what she wants), then tell her that you want to talk and you want to figure out how to talk.<P>I'm starting to repeat myself now, so I won't ramble on and on. I just hope that you can really talk, and get past the particular issues of finances, etc. and start really reaching out to each other. You're so right that it's difficult to see a situation clearly when you're so deeply emotionally involved in it. But pay attention to those emotions and follow them. Trust yourself. Don't be defensive, because then you're not only fighting her, you're fighting yourself.<P>Good luck. Wanting to work it out, writing it out, and asking for help are a good first step.