Help!!<P>Hello, I need some serious help here... I have lost interest in sex with my wife. She is struggling with it... and I feel helpless.<P>There are many issues at play here... I feel like I could go on forever with writing the complete story...<P>My wife and I have been married for a little over a year. Early on in our marriage, one thing became very clear to me... sex is more hectic than it was worth. First, my wife has the inability to have an orgasm, at least through my stimulation, whether via intercourse our manual stimulation. She seems to struggle with it, but will after what seems like "hours" (although probably about 10 minutes of manual stimulation on her part will give the desired result). From what I can tell, she seems to be "busy" and has issues with "letting go" when I am the one doing. I think that I'd be a mental mess if I hadn't had a previous positive sexual relationship with someone that I could do all of these things very well... (this was before my wife and I were married or even knew each other).<P>My wife has one major thing going against her... and that is her medication. She is bipolar... and deals with rounds of depression and at other times a manic side, but leans toward depression. Her medication situation is actually pretty good right now... very stabilized... which is a good thing.<P>During the first year of our marriage, she (whether intentional or not) put a guilt trip on me, as the reason she wasn't achieving an orgasm... as though I was at fault... because I wouldn't either last long enough (more than enough time to know her mind was busy with other things to get to the goal) or mainly, that I wouldn't manually stimulate her long enough to reach the goal, again, I only would do it long enough until my arm fell off, or I realize that mentally for her, it wasn't going to happen. Usually, after sex, she would start crying... and become all depressed... and this was of no real interest to me... and so I started avoiding sex with her.<P>Although she struggles with the orgasm issue, it appears to be no barrier in her sex drive, and would probably take sex 24/7 if she could get it. Her bouts of crying and disappointment right after sex all have but vanished (at least in what she shows me) after this whole issue came to a head, probably 4 months ago. I know she still struggles with the same issues.<P>My issue is this... for many different reasons, the above being one of them... the other being that she has zero hobbies (and my gentle push for her to adopt some lead to arguments, yes, I said a gentle push) and really doesn't do much... I am the bacon provider, and have no issues with that... I really don't have issues with her being at home... as long as she keeps the house up, and some of our 'on the side' Internet businesses running smoothly (in areas that interest her). Because of her bipolar issues, a small road bump can seem like a mountain, and where as the average wife may get 5 miles of stuff done in one day, my wife tends to get about a half mile down the road and calls it quits for the day... hoping tomorrow will provide enough energy to get through the next half mile.<P>As for myself... I like to think of myself as being very sexual, and was in a previous relationship. In fact... the only thing going for my one and only previous sexual relationship... was that the sex was good... and was good enough to carry a relationship for 2 years... where the rest of the relationship was all but empty. Realizing this, I exited the relationship, knowing it wasn't healthy for both of us. Although, my response that relationship was to look for a very fulfilling friendship that met all other areas that I missed for those 2 years... thus, my now wife. We get along great, we are best friends... and for the first 6 months of our marriage, because of my home based business at the time, we spent 24/7 together... and it really didn't bother me at all. In fact, it was relieving to know I could be with someone for so much... without any major issues, being a only child... and living on my own for nearly 7 years before getting married.<P>I have since I was 14, struggled with issues of porn... and still do to this day. Mainly, centered around Internet porn... although it doesn't consume my life... and I have found myself returning to it more... as the attractiveness of my wife is (at least in my eyes) disappearing. I don't blame her for my issue... as I know I have problems. She knows I have had issues with porn in the past, but doesn't know that I browse it on the Internet... and quite frankly, it would destroy her if she found out.<P>She already feels unattractive, and has told me tonight that this is a need that is not being met... she tries sexual advances with me all the time... but I rarely give into them... for one of two reasons... either they are at a time that I am preoccupied, such as programming something, or mapping out my next new project (I'm an entrepreneur) OR the other is... I sometimes feel turned off by her sexual advances... in fact... many times I have been going to provide sexual advances toward her... but she will beat me to the punch, and all the sudden disinterest's me... and she has told me that I only seem to want sex on my schedule and with my advances, and I somehow dislike being pursued... and she told me tonight, that although she has no problem with (me) the man being the leader in the family and the relationship, that she feels that the sex thing is one area that she should have equal poll.<P>I love my wife, and I care for her greatly. I hate the fact I find her to not be all that attractive anymore... in fact... I am questioning my own self mental state... and wondering if there is something wrong with me, or if its just her, or both of us... and how all this will play out. <P>As of this writing, our sex life is about once a week, sometimes a little bit more.<P>I was the rescuer for her... I rescued her out of a previous bad relationship she was in... I have helped her with many issues, and quite frankly, I'm wore out... her bipolar'ness (she has no control over) is driving me away... and I knew going into this marriage, this was an issue... and promised to love her through all of it... and that is one promise I do not want to break.<P>For those who braved reading all of this, and those who brave responding, thanks for doing so. I am normally the one with all the advice.<P>Thanks,<P>ME

I feel for you on one side but wish I had your problem on the other. My problem is a little different (see post) you didn't mention how many different menthods you have tried to help her achieve orgasm. have you tried orally? is she comfortable with that? Are you? Do you feel like less of a man if she approaches you? If so, don't because it sounds like she still desires you even though you cannot "please" her. Try talking again and see if there are somethings you two can try together that may relax her and keep her mind from being so "busy" while you two are together. let me know if this helps<P>------------------<BR>knowledge with application is power

If you must have a problem this is a good one. Talk it out in bed, try having sex with her in charge, tell you what to do when and where one night a week. She must talk, touch me here, rub this, kiss that. Maybe with this a new way of lovemaking will uncover her spot. You made a commitment to fulfill her sexual needs, yes woman can have them as well as men. I don't think porn is the answer for either, maybe video the two of you and put it in the vcr during love making might be a compromise that you both can live with. If you arm starts to fall off while, ask her to lend you a hand while yours takes a break but stay on top of the situation with some verbal encourgement but try to find a way that u both enjoy sex whenever either of you need it. Good Luck

I would think that you're losing your attraction to your wife because you feel you've been unsuccessful in that area and feel disappointment in yourself and your own performance, resent her for being the source of your negative feelings, perhaps feel your masculinity is threatened because you just aren't 'enough' in some way to please her, etc., etc.... <P>Is like when you dislike a job, and you have to drag yourself out of bed each morning, run late, etc. - the job isn’t a source of success for you so you naturally aren’t drawn to it anymore.<P>Just stop all those thoughts. You CAN get her to reach a climax pretty easily - keep reading! <P>Why keep trying, Gater? Because your sexual life will continue to grow and evolve - for each of you - throughout your lives. Because you are obviously committed to this woman. Because she obviously loves being in bed with you regardless of whether she climaxes. <P>Regarding her related tears of frustration - what if YOU couldn't climax with her regardless of how long you tried? How would you feel? Would that mean that your wife wasn't a "success" or that you needed to search further for answers?<P>You clearly state that she can climax when alone, so the thing to do is to try lots of alternatives until the two of you figure out how she can climax when with you.<P>Many, even most women can't climax through intercourse - I've heard 70% can't. Quite a few do climax just occasionally during same, usually because the woman is on top and is thus able to stimulate her clitoris by rubbing against the man at the same time...<P>Clitoral stimulation is key for most, and being manually stimulated is both pretty boring for most and not too effective. RE: boring - would you prefer oral sex or intercourse to receiving a hand job? Of course you would... RE: not too effective - this is because women don't plateau like men do - meaning, if she's coming close to reaching a climax and you move your hand just slightly or move just slightly differently, then guess what? She has to start all over on the road to reaching a climax. This leads to great frustration for both parties, and great pressure on her to ‘get it over with’. It's incredibly difficult for anyone to continue exactly the same movement in exactly the same spot for very long... best to keep manual stimulation to just a bit here and there.<P>For most women, the difficulty in letting go is related to feeling under pressure to climax, feeling that the partner is bored with the continued attempt (especially the relatively boring and tiring manual stimulation), the partner may be rushing her, worry that the partner feels disappointment at his "failure", and frustration at herself for failing to climax... Most important is the first reason above - it's kind of like feeling like you should 'hurry up and relax' - it just doesn't work... To help her, tell her you want to try new things for the heck of it, who cares if it works, you can have fun trying! <P>First, make sure she's a bit relaxed before you start a sexual encounter. Take a shower together, give her an oil massage... <P>Keep in mind that a sexual relationship doesn't necessarily have to mean you both experience mind-blowing orgasmic pleasure all the time, or even ever - it is simply expressed love, play, affection, bonding and joy... Women usually tire of how men seem to feel pressured to "perform", get the woman there, whatever. It ISN'T a performance!!! It's just having fun, giving joy - a celebration of life, of love...<P>It just isn't all that difficult to bring her to orgasm, Gater. Here are three easy ways to get her "there":<P>1. After the ususal kisses, caresses, etc., give her oral sex, and ask her exactly how and exactly where it works best for her. At the same time, put one finger inside of her - gently wiggle it back and forth /find and stroke her g-spot. Be careful with her cervix - some like it to be touched, others find it too sensitive - ask her!<P>2. Also go to an adult store and buy her a few different vibrators. Get one dildo-like one for internal; although most women don't care for this too much, it will be interesting and you can have fun with it around her g-spot at least. The external one (try a popular one called "The Tongue") is the key here.<P>The use of a vibrator, whether when she's alone or with you can do wonders. She can find out what works, where it works, your hand doesn't break off, you don't get bored and you don't feel guilty if she doesn't climax. Have her use it alone first to get used to it, then you use it on her, then graduate (!) to her holding and using it while either she is on top or you have entered her from behind.<P>3. Experimenting with water flow is fun. Get a shower massage or an extension to your tub tap - while you are behind her, caressing her and kissing her neck and ears, hold the massager to her clitoris (letting her show you where) or let her hold it herself. After she's well on her way, with the use of a non-water based lube, have intercourse with her from behind while she continues to use the massager on herself...<P>Also look around the internet for ideas on how to better please her sexually (try the Cosmo magazine site, try oxygen.com, search medical sites for female orgasm).<P>If all this fails (and it WON'T! ) both of you visit a sex therapist...<P>Good luck! Don't give up, Gater! Can't wait for an update! <P>P.S. - RE: "She feels that the sex thing is one area that she should have equal poll." She's right!

Gater,<P> You mentioned your wife is on antidepressants. A common side effect of some of these drugs are delayed or inability to reach climax. My H was on Paxil, and had trouble climaxing, however due to a strained relationship between depression and whatever else, he put the blame on not feeling attracted to me anymore. The drug wasn't even a consideration in his head.<P> Anyway, as for you, you were talking about difficult life can be with a bipolar personality. Be careful here. Since my H's depression, I've been looking for many support groups online to help family deal with depression. I've also read books on it and one thing that every site/book talks about is how the loved-one is so much more susceptible to depression fallout. It could be that you may be feeling some of it, and perhaps need to seek support for yourself.<P> Just some suggestions. Good luck.<BR> Kathy