I am writing to ask if anyone can provide me with some perspective on my situation...<P>I have been with my fiancee for nine years. We met in October of my freshman year of college (he was a sophomore) and have been together ever since. Almost from the time we met each other, I believed I knew that I would marry him. In general, the relationship has been (seemed?) wonderful, and I won't go into detail about that. I will just summarize that "bad" things, so that you will understand the point I'm at. I'm sorry this is a long story, but it's been nine years! In spite of the length of this email, I hope that you will read on and try to offer me some perspective. This is the best BB that I have come across, I value the integrity of the site, and I need help.<P>So, the story.... When I was a sophomore in college (and he was a junior), he had a one-night stand with a freshman whom I'd met once because she'd been hanging out with one of his friends. There was some talk of this friend and this girl getting together, but it hadn't led anywhere. I went home to visit my parents one weekend and came back to find out that my fiancee had spent the night with this girl (he told me about it right away). He did not tell me what happened, because I said I didn't want to know, but he said he didn't think they'd had sex (to be honest, I don't remember the details.... he was drunk and either he thought they must not have had sex because he wouldn't have been able to, or he asked her and she said they hadn't). I made the mistake of finding her online, pretending to be someone random asking about her night, and she told me that she had slept with him. But he said that they hadn't (or whatever it was he said, and I really do forget) and I chose to believe him, at least that he was sorry and that it would never happen again. And I do believe that's true - that he's never cheated on me since.<P>The next year, when I was a junior and he was a senior, we lived together in his tiny dorm room. It was mostly wonderful, except for a few drunken screaming matches about who knows what (i.e., that he thought I'd been ignoring him at a party or something). But we never talked about these fights afterwards, I think because we just wanted to feel better about it. They really, really scared me. And except for those fights, we NEVER fight. I know it sounds strange, but I don't know what we would/should fight about. I am wondering if I won't even admit to myself when I am upset or angry, so of course I don't express it to him? And he never starts fights, so maybe it's the same with him? Anyway, going on with the story...<P>The following year, my fiancee graduated and moved to NYC. I was a senior and stayed at school. That year I hung out with my girl friends much more than ever, something I hadn't done much the three previous years. And that year, I completely surprised myself by starting an affair with a friend of mine (call him A). I didn't expect it to turn into an independent relationship, and I don't think he did either - we made our plans to go our separate ways after graduation. Because I had never been able to put my fiancee's one-night stand completely behind me, and because I decided I was resolved to make sure this never happened again and I was going to move to NYC to be near my fiancee (not live with him), I never told him about A.<P>And things were better with my fiancee when we lived in the same city. I had some lingering doubts and confusion about what had happened, but I felt that it was something I needed to put behind me. All was fine until a couple years later, when my fiancee and I started talking about getting married. In fact, I was the one who was pushing for it. But then I had been in a miserable job and when I changed jobs, I suddenly felt freer and happier. Suddenly I wasn't so sure I wanted to get married. It was in this state that I started hanging out with my co-worker (call him B). I confessed to him that I wasn't sure about whether I really wanted to marry my fiancee, and we talked some about it, and he said (at this point without knowing me) that maybe it was just cold feet. But mostly our relationship developed without talking about my fiancee. We started hanging out together after work, going to bars and drinking a lot. I started pushing my fiancee away (not knowing that he'd already bought an engagement ring) and telling him that I needed space. Soon I was in a sexual relationship with B, and lying to my fiancee about it. I was not happy, but I thought that I was finally doing "what I wanted." That included staying out all night, once even going to work the next day without sleeping, and trying drugs for the first (and last) time. My fiancee had planned to take a month-long trip with his family cross-country during the summer (motivated in part by my pushing him away) and the day before he left, I told him that I needed an official break. We left it that we could see other people, though obviously he was not going to be seeing anyone on this family trip, and here he was leaving me in NYC, drinking and hanging out with whoever I wanted to. (In the meantime, my roommate had just found out that the guy she had dated for five years and had wanted to marry was gay. So we were both in a state of intense confusion and handled it by going out for drinks as often as possible.)<P>During that month, I'd stopped sleeping with B, but I was still going out, and once kissed / hooked up with (didn't sleep with - but does that really matter?) a guy I met at a bar. But my fiancee called me about once a week and sent me postcards, so we were sort of in touch. When he came back, I was NOT sure I was ready to get back with him, or whether I wanted to, but the thought of him leaving was terrible. Soon I stopped drinking and partying because I realized I couldn't do that and still have my fiancee around. And things settled down and I never told him about B. In fact, I flat-out lied whenever he asked me about it, and he told me that he would just have to believe me. His parents did NOT believe me, but what could they do?<P>So the recovery was hard. He went to counseling, but I refused, saying I wanted to figure this out on my own and thought that I could. And then things really started to seem good between us. We did talk about how we never fight, and how we have to feel freer to be honest about how we're feeling, etc. But of course, I don't know if I'd ever done that, and so nothing really changed. Well, I thought things had changed, because I was happy, but I don't know that they ever did. Eight months later, my fiancee proposed (with the ring he'd bought earlier that year) and I accepted. For months afterwards, I thought I couldn't be happier. I believed that what had happened in the past didn't matter and what I wanted was him. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.<P>Right after getting engaged, I moved out of NYC to go to graduate school in another city a few hours away. It has been a long hard year, trying to see each other, while we were both in school and had so much work to do. It was draining on me emotionally as well as financially and time-wise. Generally I went to visit him, and probably sacrificed too much of my time trying to help him get through school (which he was having some trouble with), without even acknowledging that I was resenting it or telling him that I needed to spend more time on my own work. I felt that the year became to be all about talking about his work or talking about wedding planning. (Of course this isn't entirely true, but that's how it felt a lot of the time.)<P>So here we were, with a little over two months to go before the wedding, and I'm feeling just fine about it. Well, complaining a little to my friends, but really believing that in my head I was fine about it. And these were new friends, who didn't know anything of my past. Well, except for the ironic situation that my co-worker, B, also chose to come to this graduate school and is in my program and lives just a couple of streets away! Nothing has happened with him though since we moved here, and I don't believe that anything will. I don't believe that we are right for each other as anything more than friends. (Not that we aren't vulnerable, as this whole web site points out, but I really don't think that we would enter into another affair.)<P>Anyway, I'm getting closer to the end of my story, I promise! So, a little over a month ago (with about two and a half months to go before the wedding), I was hanging out with a guy from my program, call him C, and I invited him over to my apartment after we'd been out with friends. It was something like 5 in the morning. Of course, something almost happened, but we both stopped. I completely freaked out, because I hadn't believed this was possible. For the next few weeks, I threw myself into counseling, all the while still talking with C, who told me that he was interested in a relationship with me, but that I needed to work all this stuff out within myself and with my fiancee first. In fact, he urged me to tell my fiancee, insisting that honesty was crucial and the only way to deal with the situation.<P>I resisted that suggestion for a long time, and still have not told my fiancee. I believed that through counseling and facing the fact that there is something that causes me to seek out other people, that I would come to a better understanding of this. I thought that I might still get married this summer. But over the past month, I have since starting sleeping with my friend, C, and I just today canceled the wedding. My fiancee and I have been talking a lot and he even came to a couples counseling session with me (not with my individual counselor), but I haven't been able to tell him what's wrong. If I tell him what has happened, I want to be able to explain why. And now I am no longer sure that I even want my relationship with my fiancee. I don't know if I'm overwhelmed by the whole situation, and I'm looking at all my actions, thinking that how could I do this if I really wanted him? I thought I was making progress, trying to figure out what C offers me that my fiancee doesn't (and there are some things, like sexual fulfillment, great conversation, he challenges me, etc.) and I hoped that as I figured them out that I would then want to ask those things of my fiancee. And at the time that I would ask those things of him, I might actually tell him about the three affairs, even if that meant risking losing him. I KNOW that I cannot get married as things stand. But I'm starting to feel numb and feel like telling my fiancee that it's over.<P>Also, one big problem if I really did want to reconcile with my fiancee, now I live near and work with both B and C (and B knows about my current situation with C), and I DO NOT want to move. This program is too important for me. It is really what I have wanted to be doing with my life and I can't bear to give that up.<P>Please, if anyone has any advice about how to think about this, please tell me. I don't want to sabotage my relationship (telling my fiancee it's over) if it's really what I want but I'm just overwhelmed or something, but I don't want to stay in this relationship if it's not what I want. And for some reason, even though I should know what my own feelings are, I can't seem to access them.

I sympathise with your situation. I was married for 13 years and it was the result of an eventual affair that I realized something was seriously missing from my marriage. After looking real close at my life and marriage I realized a divorce was the only shot I had of ever being whole again. I know there are a hundred reasons that people have affairs but for me it was because my husband did not meet my very basic needs. Have you identified what your Emotional Needs are? (There is a work sheet on this site that helps you put this together.) Does he meet them? If not can he meet them? Those are the first questions I would ask myself. The other thing that concerns me is the level of communication seems to be lacking. Life is ever changing. As your history proves. And even though you get married life will still throw you curve balls. How will you handle them if you do not feel comfortable telling him stuff? I have changed my ranking for communication over the past year. I did this because, I had a talk with my Grandmother and outright asked her, how to you have a marriage that lasts? She has been married for 50 years. They are SSSOOOOOOOO happy with each other. Even when they argue they seem in love. So, I figured she would be an authority. She did not respond with "Love", or "Money" or anything other than COMMUNICATION. She said you can love alot of people and you can have lots of friends. Sure these are things you want in a spouse but the secret was communication. If you can talk through anything. Share any thought or feeling then you will make it. That was the golden secret from a 83 year old woman , whose marriage is "textbook perfect". (I love her!) - Anyway - that is my 2 cents. Maybe the communication problem lies with you - maybe you have other issues that keep you from telling him. Whatever the reason - until you can find that level of comfort with communicating- According to Grandma - It just wont work. I think you are on the right track in stopping the wedding for now. I also think you have done the right thing in seeking professional help to sort it all out. <P>One last thing that I want to offer for thought is this. I have had an affair. I know in my case it has been because of a searching to fill a void and lack of respect for myself. Filling a void I think is self explainatory but the lack of respect I want to explain. My affair caused me serious guilt (this was guilt just from myself - because I never told my husband). It made me very disappointed in myself and I don't know that the pain I have caused myself will ever go away. I really wish I had respected myself enough to NOT. I pray that from this day forward I display the strenght and self respect to not ever do that to myself again. I hope you find the strength for the same kind of respect.<P>Good luck with what ever you decide - I think you are beginning to act in a manner that is gonna be good for you in the long run!!!!<BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by heikefrank69 (edited June 19, 2001).]

I think you certainly have the right to cancil the wedding<BR>and to end the relationship with your fiancee and seek happiness elsewhere. Nevertheless I believe it is your duty to tell him about your affairs and explain to him why you undertook these actions. It is extremely unfair not to be honest and open with him. I am sure if the situation was reversed you would want to know. For goodness sakes he was your fiancee and you were set to marry him. It is extremely unkind and selfish of you not to be truthful to him. He at the very least deserves to be told the truth. Let him go so he can find someone who will be able to love him and be true to him. Good Luck

At the end of your post, you wrote "I don't want to sabotage my relationship (telling my fiancee it's over) if it's really what I want but I'm just overwhelmed or something, but I don't want to stay in this relationship if it's not what I want." And when I read that I couldn't help but think, that you and your ex-fiance have been sabotaging your relationship with each other for a long time. Perhaps unconsciously?<P>I have been with my fiance for almost seven years, we are getting married next year, and even if something became obviously wrong with the relationship, I know I would have a hard time letting go of that stability and familiarity. Granted, all I know about you is what you posted, but the impression I got was that you don't want to marry your fiance, but are so used to having him you don't want to let go. <P>Then you wrote "And for some reason, even though I should know what my own feelings are, I can't seem to access them." Could it be that you do know your feelings, but are trying to rationalize them? That's not necessarily a bad thing - marriage is a decision that should involve the head as well as the heart! While everyone deserves to feel sickeningly, sweetly, head-over-heels in love on their wedding day, I believe that loving someone the rest of your life is a decision, not just a feeling. If that decision can't be made confidently, better not to make it.

I really want to thank everyone who responded to my post. It was so helpful to hear your replies. Particularly in response to the last comment from younglove, I want to say that I think you were exactly right, that I do know my feelings and that I'm rationalizing them. And you're especially right that I'm so scared of not having my fiancee there. I have been thinking a lot about what I am afraid of, and I believed I was scared that I would suddenly feel like I wanted him back but it would be too late. And then I realized that what I fear is that I will want him back, but what I'll want is the comfortable / dishonest / not open relationship that we had, not necessarily the actual relationship that we would seriously need to work on.<P>So I have really been thinking about all of this, and was trying to figure out how to express this all to my fiancee, who doesn't live with me, but was planning to come visit in the next week. But then last night he asked me if there was someone else, guessed who it was, asked if anything had happened and whether we'd slept together, and so now that's all out in the open. I was not prepared to tell him that yet, but I guess I can't hold off forever. So now it hurts to see what I've done to him and he wants to understand, and yet I'm still trying to understand. I'm trying to trust my feelings, and be aware of them (not rationalize them), but it's so scary.<P>Thanks, everyone, for your advice and support. It's been really helpful and I appreciate it.