I will be married a month this weekend... and already we have an "incident" to work through.<BR>Here's the story... I trusted my husband completely... He even went into detail with me about what occured on his bachelor party- lap dance included which I though was really cool- it felt soo good that he was so incredibly open about the whole thing with me. He knows I'm not a prude, and that I may even take a somewhat "Annie Sprinkle"- post feminist view on pornography and freedom of speech and such. Although I do have certain hesitations about the current state of exotic dancing and pornography and how they objectify women that are all completely fake (silicon boobs, etc.) I much prefer the Vargas pin-up girls of the 50's and 60's, Playboys of the 60's and 70's, and old style, Gypsy Rose Lee burlesque to the kind of stuff that is the norm today. Which is why, in my opinion, you can't compare male Chippendale dancers to female strippers- one is in the spirit of fun and showmanship, and the other is about being merclessly teased and titillated by some plastic idea of a woman... and I know this- I had friends who worked their way through college as exotic dancers and this is what they told me- it was good money, but even they did not understand why a man would want to go be mercelessly teased by a woman that had no cahnce whatsoever with going home with them... but that's another matter... as you can see my feelings on the whole issue are incredibly mixed,the most important issue in what occurred is honesty. As long as my husband is honest with me about his exposure to this kind of thing, I am fairly okay with it- I would be willing to make it a shared activity if he felt it would titillate him... personally, I prefer more intelligent erotica like taht film "The Lover", I think wet beaver shots and male hard on shots are just kinda silly, unless its the one you love and you're actively involved....<BR>But to ask for some feedback, here's what happened: my husband only moved in 2 weeks before we got married. We dated in his city when I lived there for 3 months, and then carried on the relationship long distance for about a year and a half before he moved in and we got married two weeks later. He came over on a fiance visa (he's a foreign national), and so he isn't working just yet... he and I both love to surf the net- travel related websites, news, and even weird and obscure stuff. I have a friend whose live-in fiance is quite hooked on online porn- but is very open about it with my friend, and although she finds it rather annoying, she loves him, and like me respects honesty above all, and because he was honest with her about it from the get-go, it doesn't really have that much of a negative effect on their relationship. My now husband even knew about this... He knows, like I said, I'm, for the most part an open-minded and accepting person...<BR>So, when he came over, I and my friends would try to call the house- it was always busy. I would ask, almost jokingly- "oh, are you surfin' those porn sites or something?" If he was honest, and admitted- oh I was bored, so I wandered into a few- my reaction would have been more like my friend- slightly annoyed, but for the most part fine with it because he was honest with me- just like he was about the bachelor party, and everything else between us up until then. I even asked him a coupla more times- and he still denied it... but I just had this weird feeling he was hiding something from me. In the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep, I went into his browsers history, and discovered along with the usual news and travel sites, he was indeed going into porn sites. I confronted him with it. Things were very tense for a couple of days. He's not exactly the most forthcoming person when it comes to feelings, and he admitted he was wrong and made a stupid mistake by lying to me. For the first couple of days, I would cry at the drop of a hat and couldn't get the image of him surfing those sites *and* lying to me about it out of my head. He has sworn to me he will never lie again, and he will tell me if he surfs them again. I would rather just know, despite my mixed feelings on it. Honesty *is* the most important thing for me. I have since forgiven him, and things are pretty much back to normal with us- helpful feedback from two of my friends has really helped. We've had some intelligent discussions on the whole issue and really made progress. He told me he only started going into them about three weeks before he came over and it was only beacause he found some link for free porn in one of his blokey mags (like Maxim, FHM, etc). and out of morbid curiosity, he wandered in. He says he did not exclusively only surf them, and I could tell from his browsers history, he indeed was surfing his normal stuff, *but* still those sites did get a fair amount of hits. He told me he thought I would be hurt if I knew and that is why he lied. He admits it was a stupid mistake on his part. We're both brand new at this marraige thing. Let me reiterate, I really don't think its some sort of compulsive thing he's been doing for a long time, and I do mostly trust him now- but still not completely. And he knows that I have a slight problem of why he even felt he wanted to look at all those skaggy girls coochies when he just got married to me and mine, and could see it whenever he wanted!<BR>Like I said, we've made an incredible amount of progress on this in just 4 days, and both my girlfriends have told me I may have overeacted a bit- I was going on and on about how I felt he violated the marriage vows and after just saying them, and all. But I pulled myself together, and broke the ice, and we are really doing better, and pretty much back to normal.<BR>I just wish it had never happened- that he had never lied to me. I still find I can't trust him 100% and he is understanding about why not. He is now offering a sympathic ear (instead of a look of contempt) when I voice my feelings as they crop up about "the incident", and he's cool when I insist on checking his history. <BR>I just need some tools to help me restore my trust 100%. And also, after reading an earlier post from a newly married guy on this board- about what its really like, and all of the positive responses from everyone... Well, I guess that this is marraige, huh? A lifelong learning process, where we may both make mistakes that could really hurt the other person, and learning how to deal with them in a positive manner that allows our relationship to grow? I suppose so- I told my husband, even when it first happened that I really wanted to take this lemon and turn it into lemonade. <BR>A friend who married a year and a half ago told me the fisrt year can be one of the best, but at the same time one of the most difficult. It was a releif to hear her say that, because prior to that comment, she never let on that it was anything other than sweetness and light between her and her husband. What a relief to find out it is even work for those two as well.<BR>I have read the essays on the rest of this site and find them most helpful. I printed out a few- particulary the ones on honesty and have given them to my husband to read. I would appreciate any feedback anyone out there has to offer- particulary having to do with rebuilding trust, and general tips for the newly married. Thanks for listening!

Imagine if you put a bag of M&M’s next to your computer and then someone told you not to eat one. That’s what internet porn is like for many men. Just click and a naked woman will appear on the screen. It takes a lot of discipline not to click.<BR>You just need to be patient with your H. His interest in porn is, regrettably, normal for a man. Doesn’t mean he shouldn’t fight it. But he needs a very good reason. As long as you keep explaining yourself, don’t judge, and show patience, he may change his ways. If you snoop into his history, he may get resentful and learn to cover his tracks better.<BR>Marriage is too radical a transformation to complete just by saying “I do”. For me, the loss of privacy was the scariest part. I still have not achieved “radical honesty” with my W. Some people learn to be very open because they grow up in very open environments. Other people grow up having to hide things, and learn to be secretive. It’s not easy to change overnight. Just because I’m not an entirely open book, doesn’t make me dishonest. Your H’s little lie may have been a reflex reaction to a demand for more openness than he was prepared to give just yet.<BR>Some people are naturally open because they just really don’t care what anyone thinks. That’s not such a virtue either.<BR>I also have a web surfing secret I keep from my W. I don’t tell her I visit this site. I may sometime, but right now, I want this outlet to be private. <BR>More than any subject raised at this site, I think about radical honesty and how it should be applied. I still think married people should be entitled to some privacy. If I keep a journal, do I have to let my W read it? You can share a lot with your H, and you can peek around a little in his stuff, but ultimately only he has access to his thoughts. If he fantasizes about other women, only he will know. Certain things, like diaries, are extensions of private thoughts, and should be left alone unless you’re invited in. I happen to think that our internet browsing is a little further removed, but still an extension of private thoughts you shouldn’t investigate unless invited. Unless you find yourself lying in bed waiting for him while he’s in the basement surfing porn sites, I think you give him space.<BR>I’m not pretending to have my thoughts all together on this. What do you think?

Roscoe-<BR>I see your point and it is the intelligent discussions on the matter that have enabled us both to grow on this whole issue- me trying to understand what the attraction is exactly- I'm well aware men's minds are stimulated by different things then womens are- that's part of the fun in being so close to someone of the opposite sex- they're the yin to your yang and vice versa. <BR>But your m&m analogy doesn't exactly work, however- for two reasons- one is we *both* really enjoy m&m's- it is a shared interest. And the second is- if he asked me- "have you been home eating all the m & m's today", I certainly wouldn't have lied to him about it.<BR>Like I said- this issue is soooo much more a trust issue then a porn issue per se. I was so much more upset that he lied to me about it and breached the utter and complete trust I had prior to that, than I was he was having a look at the stuff. If I didn't care that some strange woman had her coochie in his face at his bachelor party, why should he think I would be upset he was looking at some on the computer? I don't think he's even quite figured out why he felt he needed to lie about it to spare my feelings. I truly think he realizes he f*cked up by lying to me about it. I even sent him some links for Vargas pin-up art, to show him I have no problem with him looking at the female body. We've even had some intelligent discussion about how is it different than me going to a Mapplethorpe exhibit and looking at the male body. <BR>I can't say enough, its only an issue if you lie about it...<BR>I just happen to truly believe in the radical honesty thing. The privacy thing was more appropriate when we were dating. We are married now- a unit. The whole point is to be able to share all of oneself with the other.<BR>But I do hear what you are saying about it being a such a major adjustment, and you're right- that probably had a lot to do with him thinking he needed to conceal it from me. And as far as "snooping" into his browser, I look in openly in front of him, just as he is welcome to go into my computer and even my personal journal that is stored in there, which I haven't written in since last year, I have no secrets from him. I'm sure in time, I will trust him enough again to not feel the need to see what he's been up to, but crikey, its only been 5 days since the "incident". Breached trust is not rebuilt overnight. And he knows that. I joked that this is just one of those little things we might bicker about- at least we don't bicker about toilet seats and toothpaste tubes ;-). I'm sure all couples have these. As far as how honest I am, I may not elaborate on my checkered activities of my stupid youth (like alot of people have had), but he does know about them, and he has said he doesn't want to know the details, and that's cool- it was 18-19 years ago! but if he ever found out any details, it would not come as a shock. We have had discussions of how its is a combination of one's past events, and how they learn from them and grow, that puts a person where they are now.<BR>I likened marriage to a new computer program, which has lots of various features and gliches that no one has completely figured out all the way. And there is no book that completely tells you how to work it. You can get advice from others who are also using it, and have been longer than you have, which is helpful- but the only way you will truly figure it out, is to dive in there yourselves and work out the kinks.<BR>Well, gotta go- we're off for a fun weekend away for our 1 month anniversary. :-)

Hey blokeysgurl,<P>I hope you had a great weekend away.<P>This is only my opinion, since I don't know you at all it may not be accurate.<P>I got the impression while reading your posts that although you say "it's a trust issue, not a porn issue", that the porn issue really is bothering you, but maybe you're more comfortable asking for radical honesty than "abstinence" from porn? I know I have a hard time objecting to porn for fear of appearing unenlightened and unmodern. <P>Certain things that you said - i.e. "why would he want to look at some skaggy girl's coochie when he just got married to me and mine and can look at it any time he wants?" sound like you object even if you know about it. I'm not condemning you for that, but it can be devilishly hard to resolve something when what you're fighting for, isn't what you're fighting about.

Younglove-<P>I hear what you're saying- and I had even orginally stated that I had real mixed feelings on this issue- but to clarify- even with my open mind, my husband looking at porn might make me uncomfortable a bit, what makes me even *more uncomfortable* about it, is if he's sneaking around to do it, like he's got something to hide from me...<BR>Part of it also, is in learning how truly different men and women really are. I suppose you don't truly learn how much you don't actually know about the opposite sex until you marry it... The fact I lay all my cards out on the table for him to see can be seen as a typically "female" trait. His first impulse to wear his cards very close to his chest can be seen as a typically "male" trait (especially British male ;-) ). In retrospect, his first impulse to keep his veiwing habits secret from me, was really am "old habits die hard" kind of thing- a way for him to keep part of himself private, I suppose. I realize as much as he says its no big deal to have picked up and moved over here, it really must be an adjustment for him. As it is for me- the very-single-for-34 years-until-I met-"him"-gal. We've pretty much moved on from this by now, although admittedly I'm still a tiny bit sour about it. But now he is too busy looking for work and a car that it is logistically impossible for him to while away the hours just looking at porn. When I'm home from work, its pretty much all about "us"- or at least doing stuff together even if its vegging out to the goggle box. We love each other immensely, and I must remind myself that if I ever doubt that, the fact that he is *here* is the proof in the pudding.<BR>As far as the objectification of women- all the blokey mags even do it (FHM, Maxim, etc.)that aren't porn per se- and also upon examination, so do alot of women's mags- encouraging us to be rail skinny and spend tonnes of money on clothes and products so that we can be our most attractive (most men's mags will concentrate on flogging the newest gagets, or interviews with attractive women actresses, etc.)I think I've got a hard fight on my hands to change the whole way women are portrayed in our society. Porn is just the tip of the iceberg really.... but I digress...<BR>We're doing okay, for now, and this will be one of the many issues that will come up with us, I'm sure, in our married life- but the love is there, the mutual attraction is there, the stuff that brought us together in the first place is there (mutual interests, etc), the communication between us is okay, and improving, as we learn what this whole marriage thing is all about.