I have been married for just over a year to a wonderful man. The only major conflict we have had has been over his family. In a nutshell: I have to spend too much time with his family and some things they do really bother me. <P>Since his parents live 4 hours away, when they come to visit it's for an entire weekend (when the MIL decides) and they only give a few days warning. The IL's were here three weeks ago (I was warned 2 days in advance) and practically as soon as my MIL sat down, she phoned her sister (who I do not really like) and told her to stop by my house any time that night. Family get-togethers (obligations, to me) always have to involve my MIL's sister, her daughter, SonIL, their baby and sometimes and SonIL's mother and sister. I have never been one for large gatherings-- especially ones that just sort of drag on with no structure. Lately, it has been overwhelming. There have been 5 "obligations" within the past six weeks and I just found out I have to host the IL's again this weekend. <P>Here's what my issues are:<BR>-- I feel there is no respect for my husband and I as our own separate family unit.<BR>-- There's a disregard for common courtesy: A host/hostess should invite guests (even if they are family) with a reasonable amount of lead time (at least a week). I would appreciate just a phone call!<BR>-- I feel like my MIL thinks she's entitled to use our house as her hotel.<BR>-- It bothers me that my husband would rather I change so he can go on seeing his family as much as he did when he was single.<P>I do like my IL's and I've told my husband that it would be really nice if we could invite them to stay specifically to spend time with us without the entire "gang". We are going to find a counselor this week to get help in this matter becuase it is causing great anxiety for the both of us. We need to figure out how to negotiate this without hurting his feelings because it's about his family. But I need to make boundaries I can live with, and he can agree with, and then we will have to communicate them to his family somehow.<P>Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.<P>

I can feel your pain!<P>here is my situation:<P>My husband and I have recently gotten married. (forced into it by his mother through guilt on my side) She, his mother, is making our life a living nightmare. She is controlling, manipulative, and just can not allow her son to grow up and be a man. His entire family tells me that I need to be nicer to her because she can become really ill if I upset her. I don't do anything to upset her in any way. If she is not in charge of every situation in our lives, she automatically becomes upset and then it's MY fault. The fact that her son has changed religions is eating her alive. Couldn't she just be happy that he does attend church and is in the choir? If he doesn't call home every day or stop by to see her at least three times a week, then in her mind she thinks I am keeping him from her. Why can't she realize that she is the one pushing him out of her life? My husband has told me that he doesn't need to see or hear from his mother every day, he lived with her for 25 years and is a happier man now that he doesn't have her on his back any more. But if we tell her this, then it's not really what he thinks only something I put in his mind. His sister still lives at home and has to escape to our house for a break from her. I was also told that the reason Chris married me was to get out from under his mother's feet. How do you think that makes me feel?<P>The phone would ring at least four times a day, all of which is her calling to see what we are doing and to tell us the latest gossip she heard in town, things of which are very important to her even if we are just too busy to sit and listen each and every time she calls. If we allow the answering machine to pick up, she will leave a nasty message and tell us to not even try to call back. You know, sometimes we are not home or just in the middle of something to take the call and still we upset her for it. Before the wedding things were fine between her and I. Now that her son has married, she has flipped out of her mind. We can never do right in her eyes. Once a month (to make her happy) we have a family bbq. She calls to tell me what she is bringing and won't allow me to fix anything; she wants to bring it all. Then informs me of the time we will be having this bbq at my house. Later down the week when all is said and done, I get a message from her saying how we take her for granted and don't thank her enough for all the hard work she does for us. She has no life outside of her son. This woman sits all day thinking about what a bad choice her son is making in his life. She will sit and think up so many things until it controls her so much so that she starts turning things around in her head and starts believing things that are not true. One day it's this way and the next day she will say she didn't say it. Sounds like confusion to me!<P>I really feel that she pushed us into getting married. I phoned her numerous times to tell her that I just didn't feel ready, but she would lay this BIG guilt trip on me and tell me that it's too late now to change my mind. She would tell me, "look at what everyone has done for you and now you are going to hurt all of them and me?" A couple of weeks ago she sat her son and I down and informed us that we should have never gotten married. Talk about blowing my mind! I was told to my face that I was NOT the right woman for her son and how I have ruined "the family" with all my baggage. I am so hurt by this that I can not even face her at this point.<P>I need help understanding this situation between mother and son. I have two sons of my own and pray to God that I won't act this way with them when they decided to grow up and be men. It is getting to the point that I just don't know if I can put up with it any longer. She makes me feel that everything is MY fault. This woman is trying so hard to run our lives and not allow her son to make his own choices. She is even upset by the fact that she saw him write a $5 check for ice one day and suggested that he needs to have more money to himself. My husband said last night that he is getting to his breaking point in all this and I feel ever so sorry for him. He is caught in the middle of two women. Not only are we trying to adjust to a new marriage, but also we have to put up with this meddling woman! <P>What does a son & daughter-in-law do with someone like this? <BR>

Well, let's see...Dr. Laura would have some good ideas for this...I'll pretend I'm her.<P>First of all, it really is your dh's job to set boundaries. Read Dr. Laura's book "The 10 stupid things men do to mess up their lives." It's fun reading and will give you more of a feel of what you are up against, as well as an idea of what is "healthy." Personally, I'm a little jealous reading this, because it is almost impossible to get my mil to drop by our place. We have 4 kids and want her a lot more involved in their lives, but she just isn't that interested. Maybe we should just trade mils. I love big family gatherings. Every weekend might be too much for me, but I would love to have family by more often. Anyway, back to what you can do to set some boundaries. Number one, your dh can't step back and expect you to deal with his mother. His mother, his job, period. This is very important to train him in NOW while your relationship is young. If his mom calls and tells you she plans on coming down (and you aren't interested in hosting her party), you simply say "I'm sorry, that's just not going to work for us this weekend, we have something else planned." If she asks what it is, you simply sweetly say "We're just going to spend some time just the two of us, doing something special." Just because she says she plans to come down, doesn't mean she has to stay in your home, neither are you obligated to be a forever obliging hostess. At the same time, you don't want to alienate her, since someday, you'll likely have her grandchildren and will want them to have a wonderful relationship with this fun person. If she starts complaining, you need to explain to your husband that it is his mother and he doesn't want a catfight. My dh totally stands up for me to his mother and it has made for healthy relationships all around. She is the type of person that just comes flying at you with a billion screwed up accusations. She thinks she knows everything about how people think and really knows very little and comes up with some very outlandish ideas. I don't think I'd ever be speaking with her again hadn't my dh intervened and taken care of things. The reason this works best is your man knows his mom much better than you do. Remember...he's lived with her. He knows how she thinks and he SHOULD know how to be a man and stand up to her. For the same reason, it is always better if you manage your own mother for his sake. You know how she works and what her values are. You are less likely to jump to irrational conclusions about your mom than he is. Anyway, these are my thoughts on the matter. <P>Summary:<P>You are not obligated to host mil's parties every weekend.<BR>You need to maintain a happy relationship with her.<BR>Your dh should deal with any major problems with his own mother.<BR>You and dh have to stick to the policy of joint agreement (sorry, didn't cover that here, but it's on the site) in regards to her visits.<BR>You can easily state that you are busy this weekend and it won't work for you to have company. <BR>You need to read Dr. Laura's book about men!<P>One mommy

It sounds like your dh married you to be a "hit lady" for him. He can't deal with his own mother, so he married you to take care of it for him. My advice to you is "Don't wait another minute to read Dr. Laura's Book The Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives!" There is an entire chapter on your problems and it's very good. Start with that chapter.<P>one mommy

hello I have read your posts ladies but I think my future mother in law is by far in a class by herself. My IL is supposed to be preacher first of all. SHE LIVES WITH HIM TOO.She doesn't work, she doesn't pay any bills or anything. So when I was five months pregnant my fiance moved into his house and of course she is still there. at the time we were not thinking about getting married. but he would ask me to come and stay a night or weekend and if i felt like it I would. anyway after my son was born he wanted me and my son there with him while I was on leave and she left to go out of town so we were alone. during<BR>this time we realized that we wanted to get married he asked me marry him we started making plans and were so happy but when she came home we told her she said pray about it if he is your husband then ya'll will be getting married I thought okay this is easy but the later that summer the closer the wedding date got I had saw so much that I knew I couldn't put up with. If she throws my clothes or any of the baies stuff in the floor it;s okay. if I put something down if she moves it it's okay she has this way of tearing you down with words. she will sit and say things and if I tell my fiance he'll say just say okay and let her be. I mean the lady could do no wrong in his eyes. the washer and dryer my mother helped him to buy she his mother acts like she don't want me use it. everything has to be her way he would give her grocery money and . I finally asked him who will be the queen of your world when we get married he just looked at. I noticed every closet in the house except his was full of her clothes so I asked him where would I put mu stuff after we marry he said we'll see so he told her clean out the closet in the extra bedroom she got mad but she never lets him see her this way or hears say ugly things she is preacher and one that god loves he said and if she says something to offend you just say okay and go on. you will have some bad luck talking back to her. I am like excuse me but god loves me too and I am sure that he don't think no more of her than he does me. after I went back to work I would only go up there on the weekend and he had given me a key I wished you could have seen the looks on her face when I would stick the key in the door. when he finally had enough money to buy me an engagement ring he went and bought her a car (and she don't go nowhere but to the grocery store she won't even go to church she is just to sick and she says the preacher there is jealous of her ministry) . I was so hurt and angry I was like I can't marry this man and it goes on to this year around easter she gave my one year old son a bottle of vitamins to play with and he got them open I was alll panicky and upset she gone say oh vitamin e won't hurt him I was so mad I cursed her and he just looked at me like I was crazy I left there that night and stayed mad for a week I could not get through to him it's like whatever she says is alright and many a time she has been proven wrong but he won't see it so finally around mothers day I got almost everything I could get in to my car and gave him his key back and left there said I wasn't going back no more. In two months time I have been there twice I love my fiance like mad but I can't put up with his mother and the way he lets her have her way whether she is right or wrong. Am I wrong or being selfish.<P><BR>Mamapooh <P>and yes she does have 4 other kids