Hey, I am a 21 year old newly wed. And my husband is only 22. I was hoping maybe someone would be able to help me out with a problem. While reading this please remember I love my husband and that we have a new born child.
It all started when we were dating and a friend of mine had said that she loved her husband but had never been with no one else. She said that she just wanted the experience and wanted to know what it was like. Well later that week my husband (which was only my boyfriend at the time) had said that he felt the same way. (He had also never been with no one other than me.) We had been talking about marriage so I said okay so that he could get it out of his system before we were married. Then he had the nerve to ask me to call one of my friends and ask her if she would like to be with him sexualy. Well that was what I could not handle, he was mentioning names of my freinds that he had been having fantasys about. So I had an angry out burst and that was the end of the discussion. Then on valentines Day he told me that the only present he wanted was a triple x video. It stayed in the back of my mind for a long time untill we got engaged. Then i knew he loved me and only thought of me.
Eventually we got married and had a beutiful little girl. At this point we had been married for about 1 & 1/2 years. The other evening me and my husband were having a great time together just him and I. We were talking about how young we were and how good our relationship was. Then all of the sudden he says "You know I'm just a man and men like looking at other women." I asked him if I wasn't what he dreamed of and he said that he can't control his dreams and who he's with sexually in them. That hurt, he is the only man I have ever wanted he is the man of my dreams. I couldn't understand how he could marry me and not feel as lucky as I do. He continued to say he wanted an open relationship, and by that saying he wanted to be with other people but just for the sexual pleasure and the experience and nothing more. I refused and was very hurt and confused.
I felt as though he did not love me at all. I felt all kinds of emotion. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him in that aspect or that I was not pretty at all. Now when we are together I feel as though I need to hide myself from him. I cannot enjoy making love with my husband any longer. I always feel as though he's is judging me or wishing he was with someone else and not me. Please give me some advice on this I have no one to turn to.

(((((Gina23)))))<p>That means hugs for Gina. I'm sorry you're so hurt - I don't blame you for feeling as you do, it is perfectly natural. I'm afraid I can't be the voice of experience and advice, my own wedding isn't until next summer and I'm back at MB right now because things are rocky. <p>What I can tell you is this: when you say your wedding vows, it doesn't numb you from the waist down. Men (and women) will continue to look at others besides their spouse, and from time to time wonder what it'd be like to sleep with someone else, even have a dream involving someone else. All that is okay.<p>What isn't okay is to act upon those temptations. Fidelity is a decision, and on your wedding day your H declared that he had made the decision to be faithful to you despite the fact that the urge to be with other women would still be present from time to time. It sounds as though you do not agree to an open relationship. I think your best bet is to move into a plan A, which technically is for when infidelity has already occurred, but seems a good move to prevent imminent infidelity. That involves negotiating with your husband to get both of your emotional needs met, while avoiding Love Busters. Has your husband visited the site? Is he willing to take the questionnaires and read the books with you?

Gina,
I would be worried for sure about the open relationship comment. The wanting to maybe have more than one sexual partner before being married, and the looking at other girls, the triple x video and fantasies are only normal, especially for someone of his age. <p>But the comment about the open marriage is not acceptable. If my W said that I would tell her that sex with anyone but me meant the door. Alot of men would want to do this, just because of social conditioning, and he is probably just making those comments to test you and see how much he can get away with. Its probably not a reflection on him not finding you attractive or him not being satisfied with you, he's just young and might feel as though he's missed out on something. But he had plenty of time to do that before he was married, and he should have thought of that then.

Young Love,
thanks alot for the suggestions but I tried the emotional needs questoinare but my H was only upset with my honesty. I dont know what to do but for now I just pretend he never said it so that I can pretend I have a happy marriage.
Good luck with your marriage hopefully you will be happier than I am. Just do me a favor and make sure it's the right decision. Too many marriages end in divorce.

Hi Gina,<p>Sorry your here but glad you found this site.<p>I'm also sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.<p>I can't really offer any advice except that you may get more responses if you post on general questions or on emotional needs. Those are two higher volume topics. Don't pretend like what was said had never been. Perhaps those who are wiser, more experienced MBers can help.<p>Hugs to you and good luck.
Kathy

Gina - I'm with Kathy, pretending things are okay will only get you so far. Take the energy it takes to pretend and put it into improvement. By the time couples end up to the point where they need Marriage Builders, they're usually at or near the stage of withdrawal, just when it's hardest to put work into the relationship. It's not fair, and it's not easy, but you can improve the marriage alone. Read Dr. Harley's articles, and do your best to raise your husband's love bank balance. As it increases, he will show much more interest in meeting your needs as well. <p>You sound very sad in your last post, are you thinking of leaving your husband? What has happened since the conversation you posted about?

Gina, <p>You're a bit young, but other couples make it that are younger, so don't use that as an excuse to give up on your husband.<p>Men are emotionally and behaviorally immature. Trust me, I know. If your husband hasn't had a lot of relationships (sexual or nonsexual) then it's likely that he's going to make a LOT of mistakes that hurt your feelings.<p>I don't know if you can understand this, but as a man, I have a desire to be with many women. This is a biological desire that's programmed into our bodies. This desire is real and doesn't make me a bad person! It doesn't mean that I don't love my wife or that I find her unattractive! I'm mature enough as a man that I don't tell my wife, "gee honey, see that blonde over there? Do you know what I would really like to do with her?" It's not like that, it's a simple attraction.. <p>Your husband was simply too immature to recognize that expressing his desire to you would do significant damage to your relationship. The positive is that he felt close enough and connected enough with you that he felt like he could talk about his feelings.<p>It's probably wasn't a good idea to tell him that it would be OK to sleep around before you got married (while you were still involved) because it's likely that he feels like he passed up an opportunity that he was given. If was a bit more experienced and more mature, he'd know that doing that places your relationship in a lot of danger. It's likely he just doesn't know any better, because I can remember those days.<p>You are carrying the baggage of his expressed desire to sleep with other women. The BEST thing you can do about that is sit down and talk with him openly (not getting angry). Use words like "I" - don't use "You". Let him know how hurt you feel (still) about that incident and how much it bothers you. If he's smart, he'll recognize your pain and discuss it with you. Just remember, that he is being honest if he's telling you that he is attracted to other women - it's biological, it doesn't matter how beatiful you are!<p>Your husband doesn't understand that sex in a loving relationship is something special. He's not going to understand this because he doesn't know any better.<p>Let me give you some ideas for things you can do with your husband that might help keep him interested without having to feel like he has to go outside the marriage to sew his wild oats:<p>1) Buy a rated X video and watch it with him...
2) Talk to him about his fantasies and what he'd really like.
3) Buy a book on sex. Keep an open mind. The range of "normal" sexual behavior between a man and a woman isn't very constricted. If it's comfortable to you and your partner, then it's probably OK.<p>
Your husbands at a hard age. All of his friends are out running around talking about all the wonderful sexual experiences they are having. These things influence him and he probably feels like he's missing something. One day he will come to realize that what he has with you is much more rare and more special than a random sexual encounter with another woman. I just hope he wakes up in time...<p>We had been talking about marriage so I said okay so that he could get it out of his system before we were married. Then he had the nerve to ask me to call one of my friends and ask her if she would like to be with him sexualy. Well that was what I could not handle, he was mentioning names of my freinds that he had been having fantasys about. So I had an angry out burst and that was the end of the discussion. Then on valentines Day he told me that the only present he wanted was a triple x video. It stayed in the back of my mind for a long time untill we got engaged. Then i knew he loved me and only thought of me.
Eventually we got married and had a beutiful little girl. At this point we had been married for about 1 & 1/2 years. The other evening me and my husband were having a great time together just him and I. We were talking about how young we were and how good our relationship was. Then all of the sudden he says "You know I'm just a man and men like looking at other women." I asked him if I wasn't what he dreamed of and he said that he can't control his dreams and who he's with sexually in them. That hurt, he is the only man I have ever wanted he is the man of my dreams. I couldn't understand how he could marry me and not feel as lucky as I do. He continued to say he wanted an open relationship, and by that saying he wanted to be with other people but just for the sexual pleasure and the experience and nothing more. I refused and was very hurt and confused.
I felt as though he did not love me at all. I felt all kinds of emotion. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him in that aspect or that I was not pretty at all. Now when we are together I feel as though I need to hide myself from him. I cannot enjoy making love with my husband any longer. I always feel as though he's is judging me or wishing he was with someone else and not me. Please give me some advice on this I have no one to turn to.[/QB][/QUOTE]

Gina,<p>When I read your story I smiled with rememberence. My husband was the same way. We were high school sweethearts and got married rigt after high school with no other 'sexual' relationships. About two years into our marriage he asks me what I think about an 'open' relationship. Of course I acted the same as you and felt that I was a complete ogre and that everyone was going to say I told you so, blah blah. <p>To make a long story short, my husband became I would say obsessed with a 15 year old friend of mine who had looked up to me as the mother figure since her mom died at the age of 12. She was all any man's dream girl with long blond hair, small waist, etc etc. Well, I knew it, but I said nothing. Then one day, my husband and I was sitting in the car while this thunderstorm raged on and he just blurted it out. "Honey, I think I have a problem." Well he told me all about what was going on and how he felt bad--that it had nothing to do with me, etc etc. <p>It took work--everything in a marriage does, but we have moved on and are happier than we have ever been. The biggest damage it did was destroy my self-esteem, but I picked myself up and found out that I am a great person and if he doesn't like me for the person I am then someone else will. <p>Don't give up on yourself! Hang in there and listen to what Darin in Austin is saying!! He is correct in his reply!!<p>Good Luck!!