My girlfriend and I have been going out for over a year. I am contemplating marriage but I have one hang up.<p>She is 27, I am 25, she has had 8 full on lovers compared to my 4. These have all occured for her in the last 5 years. She has never gone out with anyone as long as me, we are going to get a house, she says she loves me.<p>However 8 is allot; its just the way I have been brought up. Whilst I am aware of my own hypocrisy,
before I discovered this I completely trusted her but now I have doubts. Deep down I am thinking "Either she was used by lots of men in which case is she just desperate or she used men in which case why should I be any different". <p>I know I don't have a legitimate hang up and that 8 lovers at 27 is pretty normal these days but I need to be persuaded.

First of all, you are not alone in this. This topic has come up on more than one occassion.....<p>Let me just add my own story in here....<p>I am 40, my wife is 47. In my life, I have had 6 lovers. In my wife's I still don't know;<p>There was the first boyfriend she ever slept with, her first husband that lasted a week, her second husband that fathered her first two kids the other two men that fathered her other two kids, at least two one nite stands that she has referred too, her professor friend from college and then she talks about an ex sister in law that she knew before she married her brother and from what I hear they used to tear up the town.....That is 7 right there that I know about......I know there are more....<p>My wife is a person who needs a man in her life. To get and keep that man, there must be sex. You and your girlfriend, if there is a true friendship there, will survive...I don't ever worry my wife will leave me for someone else...we are friends first....<p>Just some thoughts....

I happen to be pretty familiar with this feeling. My fiancee, age 21, is only my second intimate partner, whereas I, at 19, am his sixteenth. It's something that still enters the back of my mind from time to time, however for the most part, I've learned to accept it.<p>I'm hoping that my reasoning will help you. I know far well from his actions and his words that I am the love of his life. If we keep living in the past, it won't get us very far.

Part of loving someone is realizing that there is so much in life that shaped them. So much that brought them to who they are today. And as hard as it is to admit sometimes, their previous partners aided in forming them. The past can't cease to have occured, but you sure can learn from it. Those partners were of a past life, a past chapter. This is a new chapter, and if you play your cards right, with the assistance of communication, and focusing your energy on that love, this chapter will last you the rest of your lives. <p>The number of partners in the past does not mean they love you any less. I, by nature, can be very insecure. It has taken me a lot of dicussions with my fiancee to realize that he really means it when he says that I'm the love of his life. That I really am the most important thing in the world to him.<p>I understand what you mean by saying that eight kinda goes against what you were taught growing up. And trust me, sixteen certainly goes against everything I believe too. But the point is, my heart fell in love with his. People do a lot of things that they don't fully understand. But when they find something that they do, that they truly know is right, they hold on to it. It doesn't matter how many people were before you. What matters is that you're in love, and that you're willing to focus you're energy on that love.<p>~DarcLily

I have nothing in the way of advice to add, as I am a virgin who will marry a virgin in six months. But I try to dispel this notion wherever I find it: <p>"To get and keep that man, there must be sex."<p>My fiance and I will have dated nearly eight years when we marry, so clearly, that is not always true. <p>I wish you the best, however you cope with the situation.

I would also be wary of one who has had so many partners, especially in this day and age. Granted, I understand that you love her, but if this is a concern of yours now it is only going to get worse unless you take steps to accept it as her past. Otherwise, it will continue to gnaw at you and make it difficult for you to have a happy future with her, and it is just possible that one day in the heat of an argument that you may bring up her sexual past in a very hurtful way with name calling, etc. You may want to reconsider marriage to this particular woman and carefully seek one whom you feel has not been so "experienced". Good luck to you.