I am engaged to be married in 6 months. We have been together for about 6 years and we love each other deeply. We have abstained from sex before marriage, but the problem is that she has no desire for sex at all, even in marriage. She says that she would be happy to not have sex ever. She does not ever anticipate having any kind of desire for sex. I have a desire for sex in marriage and do not think that the marriage will work out very well if there is this difference in opinion. Is this something that can be worked out, or is there no hope of a good marriage here? Please help, I really want to marry this girl.

I'm telling you this as a married man: YOU NEED TO GET THIS ISSUE STRAIGHTENED OUT (BEFORE) YOU GET MARRIED. If you don't, you're setting yourself up for a world of frustration and problems. No joke. Find out why she doesn't have a sexual desire, but don't make a move until this is resolved. There is nothing more frustrating than being married to someone who you cannot have a sexual relationship with and open up to--sexually. RUN FOR THE HILLS.

I agree. I'm a wife with a very fulfilling sex life. I've heard my friends talk about their relationships...one said her h gets it once a week, and i thought that it was no wonder he had an affair...she was not fulfilled by it and women can do without more easily than men...at least thats what i hear. I don't know if I'd want to waste my time with someone who won't even give it a chance. Try talking to her and tell her how important it is to you. Tell her you will do anything she asks during to make it pleasurable for her--of course within reason--read up--no pictures--and on your wedding night, pull out all the stops. I mean by stops that when she says quit you don't get offended. This would take determination if you get her that far in commitment to SF. Tell her that you can't be married without it--its a God-given event that according to the Bible should be executed at least 3 times a week--it is commanded. One more question...has she ever been sexually abused? That can create an aversion as big as Texas.

herr M:<p>Adding my 2 cents: Like the others have said - put the brakes on getting married until you have the sex issue worked out. Otherwise, you will be in for a world of hurt and frustration.<p>Mismatched sex drives are not uncommon - and can be worked through. It is a complicated issue however, and can lead to a great deal of misunderstanding. If you don't have any experience in this area, read everything educational that can on the subject. Also, talk to to your fiance about it. Again and again and again. Why is she not interested? Is there a specific problem? Has she ever had sex before?<p>Sex is rarely magical particularly the first few times. Women respond very differently than men, and there is a great deal of ignorance and misinformation on this subject. Let me tell you, if I knew 13 years ago what I know about sex now, our we could have avoided a lot of mistakes and hurt.

Thanks for your support so far. To give you more detail, my fiancee and I have discussed this topic extensively. There is nothing that we are uncomfortable talking about. Regardless of how much we talk and how much we want to get married, she still does not expect to ever have any desire for sex. I know that my sex drive is much greater than hers, and I would be happy to compromise on the amount of sex, but even when I suggest this, she doubts that she would want to compromise at all. I guess the underlying theme is that she has no desire for sex whatsoever, and she is unwilling to try because she is confident that her opinion will never change. I always knew that she didn't have as much desire as I did, but I never expected it to be this extreme. I am searching for answers because I love this girl like nothing else, and I can't comprehend leaving her when I am so attached to her. She wants to marry me with all of her heart too, but she knows that I will be constantly disappointed. How do two people break up when they still love each other deeply? Is there any hope of her changing her feelings on the matter?<p>Oh, and there is no sexual abuse in her background.<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: herr m ]</p>

If you marry this woman, you are headed for a world of hurt. If you have any kind of sex drive, you are headed for a disaster. Your fiancee is telling you that she has no drive when she should have the most drive that she is going to have. If she says that she can't see ever have a normal sex drive, believe her. Walk away and save yourself more trouble than it is worth. If she feels this way now, it will only get worse, not better and no matter how much compromising you do, it won't be enough. This is one of the core, bedrock foundations of marriage and she is telling you upfront that you can't have it. Listen to her and walk away. No matter how many other great qualities she might have, this one will doom your marriage. <p>She needs to find someone with no sex drive as well.

I saw last night...coincidence? I don't think so...that Oprah today is on mismatched sex drives. Maybe you should tune in. Here it's on at 4 est. I plan to watch it and encourage anyone else to do so just in case herr m and I miss it. Thanks! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Well.........I didn't get much out of the last half hour of Oprah. Except this: that marriage is about negotiation and if you can't negotiate...I'm sorry there was no more information than that. Apparently, if she's not willing there's nothing to do but decide if you can live without sex. Either she has a severe misconception of sex, or she's trying to give you the shove-off after all this time without hurting you too badly. In the case of the latter, she's not worth wasting time on.

herr M:<p>Let me assure you that notwithstanding what you and your fiancee feel for each other today, after 2 to 3 years of being married and the romantic fires have died down somewhat, this issue will eat away at your relationship like a cancer.<p>Also, loving is about giving, and marriage is about compromise. If your wife to be cannot reach out to compromise on an issue as fundamental to a relationship as this, its not time to get married - period. Full stop.<p>Something I fail to understand based on your feedback is why your fiancee is not interested in finding a solution to the problem (e.g. counseling, seeing a doctor etc.). One would think that she would want to find ways to overcome her lack of interest and desire. I guess if she is truly happy the way things are, who am I to judge. But knowing how important sex is in a married relationship, and how important it is to you, I am curious as to why she doesn't make an effort in this regard...

on the sex thing...i agree with all...get it worked out!!! we have never had a ravishing sex life and it is 10 times worse now. he doesn't want it at all. yes, i said HE. and quite frankly, i haven't changed at all since we met. and he really hasn't either. but now, i would have to beg if i wanted to, but since i refuse to do that and still get rejected...we just don't. and i hate it and i feel very alone, rejected, and separated from him. in all honesty, it makes others look interesting and they think the same of me. better fix it now! good luck

Hi,<p>My husband and I have a problem that started out similar to yours, and our marriage is in serious trouble right now (because of many things). Before we got married I asked my husband if we could stop having sex until the wedding day. It was for the guilt I was feeling because of my religion as well as wanting to make the day special. Well, we were engaged much longer that I planned on. And to make a long story short, when I was ready, he had lost all emotion about it. Now he wants the physical part, and I had some things in my way with that (birth conrtol pills, have her check this out if she is on. It KILLED my sex drive for years, and I did not realize it!!!). I have gotten past my problems with the sex. But, without any passion or emotion from him, just plain sex, is very unsatisfying. I want to be able to make love to my husband. You two have got to come to a solution on this before committing your lives, it will tear both of you apart.

It is good that you are talking about this before marriage and not suffering through it after marriage. My wife and I have been married for 24 years and have a VG sex life. I could not imagine being emotionally bonded to her without it. That is one difference that crossing the line into marriage will bring - you will need sex like you need air. Without it the relationship will die.<p>I had a circle of friends in college, almost all of whom are divorced now, and sexual issues played a big part. I work for a man who has been very open with me since I am in grad school for counseling. He has said that after 18 years of marriage and 7 kids he is so tired of begging his wife that if she dies he will be smiling at the funeral in relief and freedom, even while he weeps inside for what could have been. Another friend married 20 years with 5 kids had an A because his wife gave in grudgingly to him once a month - one time 5 months went by. While he tries to get her to respond she stares at the ceiling.<p>Yes, sexual abuse may be part of the issue. But, man, don't marry a project! You will regret it for the rest of your life. You love her, but that will not be enough. Get out while you can. If she is unwilling to change when she does not have you as a husband, what makes you even remotely think she will change once the knot it tied? You cannot imagine what it feels like to be trapped with no way except her death or a divorce. That is hell.<p>This is hard, I know. But part of the glory of marriage is sexual delight, passion and enjoyment. You will hate yourself and her if you marry! Walk while you can.

I would definately seek some counseling. There may be psycological factors involved that neither are aware of.<p>The female sex drive is very fluid. Diet, your relationship, exercise, health, mental hangups, and any medications can all have serious impacts on their drive.<p>It is entirely possible that she is not getting one or more of her emotional needs met that keeps from trigger her desire for intimacy.<p>I don't think either of you will know until you seek counseling.

I can't add any advice that has not already been given, but please pray about this and get counseling. These boards are filled with those whose lives have been torn apart beacuse of sexual issues. Sexual desire and marriage go hand in hand and are God given. You say that you love her, love is a give and take and this must be addressed and dealt with BEFORE you marry. I will pray for both of you. Ladysing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Herr M, I can only reiterate what everyone else has said. Don't get married until this issue is resolved to your satisfaction. Not unless you're willing to have a sterile marriage--or a string of affairs and one-night stands (bad idea)--or a lonely sex life with porn for a companion (just as unthinkable)--or try for years to get your wife to fix her frigidity and eventually divorce her in frustration (wasting a chunk of your life in the process)--or put up with it until you fall in love with a sexually functional woman and then leave her anyway--or any number of equally undesirable outcomes.<p>Your fiancee needs to understand that this is not just a "difference of opinion." People do have widely varying sex drives, but to have no sex drive at all is abnormal. It's dysfunctional. She ought to do something about it for her own sake, otherwise she's missing out on life's pleasures as well. I wonder too what she thinks you're going to do if you want any children--or maybe neither of you wants any? And it's possible that this absence of libido is a problem she can never fix at all. Whether that's true or not, the very least she could do is to explore the reason for it.<p>It's also possible that she can fix it. But if she can fix it, she can fix it just as well before marriage as after marriage. So even if it is fixable, there's no point in marrying her until she's made progress with it, otherwise you've got no guarantee that she can or will, and you're giving away the very bargaining chip you need to motivate her. Don't settle for less than you need in life.<p>I realize that six years is a fair-sized investment in a relationship, but if you ever end up feeling, however reluctantly, that you have to move on and look for someone else, it's better to start over after six years than to throw still more years away on an unsatisfying marriage. I'm curious about those six years too. Does that seem to you like a rather long time for a couple to be together before taking the plunge? If couples don't actually marry before then, typically that's because they've already started living together or otherwise having a sexual relationship without marrying. Maybe there was some economic or other practical reason why it took this long? I'm wondering whether this sex issue has been an underlying obstacle to commitment all along. If that's true, marriage isn't going to make it any better. All it's going to do is destroy any hope that it might get better after marriage.<p>I can't tell what's behind your fiancee's absence of sex drive, though I can speculate amateurishly on a few possibilities.<p>It's not impossible that there is childhood sexual abuse in her background after all, and she's repressed any memory of it. If it seems to her that there was "something vaguely wrong" in her childhood, or if she has blank periods back then, it's a possibility. That could take years of counseling to straighten out, but it's feasible.<p>I suppose she could have been raised by a family with an enormous amount of sexual repression to inhibit her. In either case her childhood may need looking into.<p>Considering that lengthy six-year relationship again, I wonder if her attraction to you is largely companionable--far too enjoyable and "comfortable" a relationship for her to give up, but not sexual for her, whereas she might be sexual with someone else. If that's the case, then she must have some issues to sort out anyway. She couldn't "know herself" and her own needs, or must lack self-confidence, otherwise she'd be looking for someone she did feel sexual about, along with everything else. Obviously that wouldn't bode well for the future of any marriage, if there's a chance one day that she'll meet someone she does "fall in love with" sexually.<p>Or possibly she has a latent lesbian orientation. If so, that won't change either.<p>However, what nobody has mentioned here outright is that she may simply have an endocrine problem. If that's the trouble, it can be treated. There are people who've said "I didn't understand what sex drive was all about until I got my hormones adjusted."<p>Anyway, she should certainly get a relevant medical checkup, and if nothing shows up there, get some counseling to see what this problem is about.<p>One other tip. You may want to hop over to Michele Weiner-Davis's "divorcebusting.com" site. The next book she's writing is on this very subject, lack of sex drive, so she's bound to be well informed about it. If you go to the message board section on "Sexual Issues," there's a thread there titled "Low Sexual Desire," and you may be lucky enough to get some comments from Michele herself. Good luck!

I just want to say, that I wish I had known all this before I had gotten married.... I'll put it this way... the marriage was not consimated for about a year. <p>The few things that you might want to check on are birth control pills ( as noted previously ) can kill a woman's sex drive. Also depression, and here's the catch 22, anti-depressants could kill a sex drive.
Besides slipping your W2B a drug or drink, the only thing that seems to work the quickest is exercise... Or at least that's what I'm told.<p>If you feel that you will be able to handle the lack of physical intimacy, my only advice would be: get a hobby.. a long drawn out hobby, like maybe building a car out of gum wrappers... anything to keep your self sane!

Thank you for all of your helpful responses. Much has changed in the past 4 months. My fiancee has been to counseling for depression and she is doing much better. Her counselor has been helping her with the depression as well as with her feelings for sex. Her outlook on sex has improved dramatically and I expect that our sex life will grow to be a great one. I know that there will still be some difference in opinion, but we are definitely on the right track.<p>Thanks again for all of your support.

I may have missed something, but aren't you two waiting for marriage to become sexual? Is your fiancee a virgin? Has she ever had sex with you? If I'd never tried chocolate cake, I might not think I'd ever want it either (but now that I've tried chocolate, I'm a chocoholic!).<p>If she has never had an orgasm and you are both very open in your discussions, maybe you could try to focus on encouraging her to not decide how she'll feel about it until she's tried it. Discuss ways to help her relax and explore her body and its responses with you after you are married.