Hello, I am new to the forum, but am a fan of Dr. Harley's concepts. I am a 38 year old divorced mom of a six year old boy, and now that I am dating again, I want to get it right this time.<p>
Here is some background on my situation:<p>I have been part of a singles group at my church for about a year, and have been spending time for the past six weeks with one of the men in my group whom I really did not know very well before now, and we have been getting to know each other better. <p>He is in the Army Reserves and is a Major in Army Intelligence. He got called up for duty over the Christmas holidays, and we started emailing each other alot while he was away for a couple of weeks. It started out every other day and then every day. We really hit it off. He finished with his assignment and returned home January 2nd and we started spending time together in person after that.<p>He has been very busy with his regular job, plus a four hour a week military class, and other Army Reserves stuff, but out of the six weeks that he has been back, we have spent four Sunday afternoons together. Each time, he has invited me to lunch after church and then on to do other activities together for the afternoon.(My son was gone for the day with his Dad on these occasions.) He also brought back gifts for my son and myself when he returned home from his military assignment and told me that he was very grateful for the encouragement and moral support I gave him while he was gone via the emails I sent. He has paid for all of the meals and outings we have been on, and has been a perfect gentleman about holding the door, and my chair and helping me on/off with my coat, etc. <p>He told me in his first email (long distance) that he would describe himself as "fairly shy" and as he put it "does not like alot of attention." Then after our second aftenoon outing together, he told me in another email sent during the following few days that he felt shy around me and as he put it "like a blithering idiot who was always talking too much." He was replying to an email that I sent to follow up and thank him for the outing. At the end of this same outing(the second one) he told me as we were saying goodbye that he knows he needs to socialize more, instead of working all the time, and I was the person he would rather be with than anyone else.<p>My dilemna is this: I reallly like this guy alot, and I have tried to keep Dr. Harley's concepts in mind such as looking pretty, and being a good recreational companion, and giving him lots of admiration and appreciation. So far he has hugged me at the end of each afternoon together, BUT he has NOT tried to hold my hand or kiss me goodbye. I have tried to be very warm, and friendly with him without being too forward. I do touch him on the arm or shoulder sometimes when we are together, but I do not want to be the one to make a pass.<p>I just don't know whether he is just looking upon me as a nice platonic Christian friend, or whether he is simply too shy to hold my hand and define it as a romance with a goodbye kiss. On the one hand, I am grateful that he is such a gentlemen, and is treating me so well. I just don't want to get my hopes up and my heart involved in hoping for a romance, when it's not really "intended" as dating. BTW, he has been married and divorced once, but he has been divorced for about 10 years and has no kids, and I have been divorced for 5 years and have one son.<p>He has also been telling me that he thinks he may get called up for active Army Intelligence duty again before summer time and that he could be gone for as long as two years! <p>Also, from what I have heard him say in the way of offhand comments to other people about marriage(not specifically directed at me), since his first one went badly he is not really all that keen on the idea of getting married again ever as he thinks it could turn out badly again. He sees this as his being a "realist" and not a "pessimist."<p>Do you all think the no kissing and no handholding is about shyness, lack of interest in me sexually, or is is fear of getting involved and hurt again? Plus, what should I do about it, if anything to improve the situation? If he is just not interested in me sexually, I don't want to fool myself, but if it is shyness I don't mind being patient.<p>Any help would be appreciated.<p>Thanks,
Diana

"If he is just not interested in me sexually, I don't want to fool myself, but if it is shyness I don't mind being patient."<p>Take it from a "shy" guy, the only way you are going to find out is by making the first move. I know you stated that you did not want to be the person to make the first move, but if he truly is shy, he will never make the first move. How long do you want to sit in limbo?<p>I was extremely shy, even to the point where the girl had to first move in for a kiss before I would move my head in her direction. Sad, isn't it? Don't let his shyness fool you into thinking that he doesn't want you sexually. More than likely that is all he can think about. The problem is he can't get his body to move in the same direction as his mind.<p>Obviously, the two of you have spent a lot of time together. Typically a guy will not spend that much time with a member of the opposite sex without wanting to take it to another level. What do you got to lose?

jsg--thanks so much for your reply. That gives me food for thought before I see the guy this weekend.<p>I guess I am usually always too worried that men will see me as too agressive, so I don't try and kiss them first.<p>You said:
Typically a guy will not spend that much time with a member of the opposite sex without wanting to take it to another level. What do you got to lose? <p>Yeah, I ws womdering about that, too. He doesn't have much time, and he has spent a good bit of his little bit of free time lately with me.<p>Thanks again,
DIana

Diana,<p>I know this is kind of old, but I would disagree about making the first move. (I just come from a different perspective, I guess.) As a Christian who is very sold on the idea of the man being the leader of the family, It would be important that the man is also the initiator of our relationship -- be it in the 'romatic' sense in the physical arena or anything else.<p>I have taken this position with my current beau, and it's been great. (We have hugged, held hands, but no kissing -- after 2 months.) He did eventually initiate a conversation to let me know that he is more interested in my purity (although I don't have a history of that) and the development of the relationship than the physical aspect. He said that our physical relationship shouldn't be an indication of the level of intimacy in our relationship, because it's simply not true. I appreciate that. He wants to get to know ME -- the inside me -- more than the kissing & snuggling & everything, which can just end up overshadowing everything. <p>Just my two cents. I'd be interested to hear how things are going for you now! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I agree with Sonatina. I would wait for him to make the first move. Are you that much in a hurry? Take it slow. Enjoy the build up. Get to know each other really well - be good friends.<p>Also, from the perspect of an ex-military wife.....if he does think he may end up going away on a long tour of duty, he may be scared to get too close to you, physically and emotionally, only to have to leave for a long period of time. It is very hard on a military man, as well as the woman he leaves behind, when they have to be gone for a long while. Who knows what will happen during that time you are apart???? It may draw you much closer together....or it could have the opposite outcome.<p>Also.......since he has been married before, he could be protecting himself. What was his previous marriage like? What was the divorce like? <p>Anyway....just my thoughts. I am not trying to discourage you from getting involved with him. I am just throwing out some ideas why he is taking things slowly. It's probably a good thing! Like I said...enjoy it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It's better than him being all over you and making you uncomfortable.