I was surprised that several of you were interested in my entire story so I thought I’d post it for all to see. It may be an eye opener for all of you betrayers who wondered, “What if”?<P>I had been married 19 years when the affair started. I never smoked, drank or did drugs and was brought up in a good Christian home. We had two teenage sons who I adored. I met the ow at the office. In fact I hired her and she reported directly to me. She too was a good Christian – really into the Bible more so than I. We both were married when the affair began. She had one son and had been married 24 years. We became emotionally attached almost immediately. We spent time together just talking about common things. She made it clear that she was in an unhappy marriage, but was resigned to living it out. In April, ’93 our whole Division (100 people) went to a conference in Phoenix. She and I spent a lot of time together especially at night during the relaxation time. When I left Phoenix I felt this exciting feeling in my stomach. Like butterflies everytime I thought of her and wondered, “What the hell is this feeling”. I haven’t felt this way since I was dating my wife 20 years ago, but I love it. That was on a Thursday.<P>I thought about her for the next few days and couldn’t get her out of my mind. Couldn’t wait for to see her on Monday. I did and we spent time talking again. On Tuesday afternoon I called her into my office and closed the door. I told her I had something I wanted to say, but didn’t know how to approach it. Frankly, I was concerned about a sexual harassment suit. Finally I told her that in the 6 months that she had been working for me I had fallen in love with her. I expected her to say something like – well one of us needs to transfer. To my surprise she said she had been attracted to me also and as far as my love goes to, “Let it grow”. Then she walked out of my office. I was as high as a kite.<P>After that we would meet after work for iced tea at the Ritz and spend at least 1 or 2 hours together. We would talk about anything and everything. We spoke about how great it would be if we had met each other 20 years ago and had gotten married. One afternoon, during the summer of ’93 we went out to lunch. We were out in the country sitting in my 300ZX with the T’s down eating a sandwich, and I leaned over and kissed her. It was like the fourth of July. I hadn’t felt such passion since I was in high school. After that we did a lot of kissing whenever we could. Well one thing led to another and I took her on a business trip with me sometime in October, ’93. I don’t remember how it happened, but I found myself in her room that night and we made love. Now I knew I was really in love. Fireworks went off and I knew that I had to marry this person. We planned to divorce our spouses and remarry, but there were never any real details to that plan.<P>Meanwhile my wife was going crazy. Just as crazy as some of you who post in this forum, but there was nothing that she could do or say that made me see straight. We tried counseling and talking to our pastor, but as long as I was seeing the other women it was a waste of time and money. I was in love with the ow and although I loved my wife, I was not in love with her (sound familiar). She became distraught and went on anti-depressants and tranquilizers, but did I care – no. I continued to feed my lust. My children lost respect for me and caught me in several lies, but again I didn’t care because I was in fantasyland, loved it and didn’t want to come back to reality.<P>At the beginning of the third year the ow and I moved into an apartment together. She soon divorced her husband and I was expected to do the same. Things couldn't have been better. We lived, ate, drank, worked and slept together. The lovemaking we did was far more intense than anything I ever felt with my wife, and we did it almost every night for the 3 years we lived together. We went on weeklong vacations and mini vacations together all the time. Life was fantastic, but several things were bothering me. I often would think of the women and children I left behind. Left behind so that I could enjoy the sex and good times. It started to get to me. On vacations I'd sneak away from the ow to call "home" just to find out how everyone was. Soon I found that I was now betraying the ow because of the pent up guilt and longing for my family. The family that I started and raised. At the same time I began to see the flaws in the ow. She was/is a beautiful women. But I realized that beauty is only skin deep. I didn't realize it then, but she was never honest with me. I know now that she is a conflict avoider, and never really told me what was on her mind. Things began to bother her about me, but she was silent. She wanted me to make a marriage commitment, and although I once talked about marriage I never brought it up because of the guilt I felt for my wife and family. In any event, we had this fantastic relationship, but it was starting to crack after living together for 2 years. Because she never revealed her needs to me I never met them, and she became extremely frustrated, but kept it all to herself. One day, for the silliest reason she left me a note saying, “Get Out of My Life”. By then I was also frustrated and left as quickly as I could. Within a week the withdrawal process had affected both of us and she called me to come back, but I knew that this was the brake I was waiting for so I never returned. I never returned because by then I realized that a marriage could never work. It would have been a marriage based on lies and dishonesty. It’s foundation was divorce and mistrust. It never could have succeeded. I know that now, even though I still love the ow. But I also know that if we had been married it would only have been a matter of time before we got divorced. You will both eventually see the flaws in the op. And when you do the relationship will unravel very quickly because affairs are based on passion not commitment. People in affairs have too much baggage to carry around to make a new marriage work. But the problem is that you are really in love. You are in love with the op. I don't care if you call it a fantasy or not. You are in love and when you separate you will feel real pain - not fantasy pain. <P>Our relationship ended in June, “99, and I began reconciliation with my wife. That’s about the time I started posting here because the withdrawal was horrible and I needed to relieve it. I found/find it gratifying to help people who is on the same road to destruction that I was on. I’m not Mr. Know-it-all, nor am I a professional counselor, but I’ve gone through the whole process. And I’m right back where I started from 6 years ago. Only it feels like I’ve been through a war. I have very little self-esteem and I carry a ton of guilt, pain, sorrow and hurt for everyone that was affected. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. And now I’m paying the price. As far as the ow goes. I still love her, but we have agreed never to contact each other again. I don’t know how she feels about me, but I recently found out that she came close to having a nervous brake down. She has no job and is on anti-depressants and tranquilizers. More guilt for me to carry around.<P>So that’s my story. All I can say is I’m sorry, and I know it’s far from enough, but I’ve learned one of life’s toughest lessons. That is: DON’T LET YOUR FEELINGS DRIVE YOUR BEHAVIOR. LET YOUR FAITH IN GOD DRIVE YOUR BEHAVIOR AND YOU CAN’T GO WRONG.<P>

freedom,<P>Thank you for having the courage to tell the whole story for all of us here. It is very obvious from your post that you are a person of integrity and honor. It is also apparent that you have suffered mightly these past 6 years, and continue to suffer as you work through the issues you are dealing with. If any of us could see the future outcomes of our present actions, we might ALL do or have done things differently. But, alas, none of us is that insightful! The important thing is that you have seen that your loyalty and efforts belong first to your family - your W and your children. How wonderous it is that your W was able to take you back after such a lengthy affair. <P>You are on the road to healing your SELF. You talk about low esteem, but I will tell you - I see a man full of courage and conviction. That makes you a VERY BIG MAN in my book. Somehow, in my heart, I know you WILL make it!<P>Roll Me Away<P>

Freedom,<P>Your story follows my H's down to the smallest details! He was married 20 years, he told me that the first time they kissed, he felt like he was coming out of the desert to an oasis (that sure made me feel good). He also told me the attraction was passion. And hinted, that the affair would die on it's own as he said there was no commitment (I interpreted this to mean on his end). She, too, was married and got a divorce. She 'treated' him to a week long vacation. It's almost like they read the same book!<P>I've always felt that, my H is waiting for OW to get frustrated waiting for his commitment. He told me she wants him to move to where she lives, but so far, he hasn't. I now wonder if he, too, is waiting for the "break" you mentioned?<P>Can you tell me how your lovely wife handled all of this? I sure wish I could talk with her. I know you said she was on anti-dep medication. Did she ever file for divorce?<P>Do you think you would still be with OW, if she hadn't given you that break?<P>Lastly, my H greatly suffers from a self-esteem problem. His isn't low, he now has NONE. How did you go about rebuilding your self-esteem, or are you still struggling with that? And, how are you dealing with your guilt? I wonder these things because I know they are areas that are going to be extremely difficult for my H. Did your wife do anything to help you with this?<P>I'm sorry to pound you with all these questions. You must know, that I really admire you for turning your life around. I fear that my H will not have the courage to do the same.

Thank you so much for telling your story. I only wish I could figure out someway to send it to my H. Not that he would read it. The only diffencs is that my H wants to marry her(I think he feels guilty about living in sin) but his sister thinks that OW doesn't want to get married. Plus the fact that his OW has had a lot of one night stands and affair during her marriage. Again thank you for giving us hope.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi Skye,<P>I know your post & questions are meant for Freedom, but I can't help but put in my two cents. Hope you don't mind.<P>After eveything you have been through, I understand your reluctance to "open the door a crack". However, it is obvious that you are still in love with this man (you say so yourself), and there is no way you will ever know if he wants to 'expore' a reconcilliation unless you ask him. <P>Now, I don't mean that in the most literal sense. What I mean is take it slow, and get to know him as a person again, and find out how he has changed. You mentioned that you don't know him anymore. You are right, no doubt he has changed. But, is it for the better? What you'll need to determine is whether you would want to rebuild a life with this man. Maybe, maybe not. But, if you never pursue this possibility, you'll never know, and it will probably always haunt you.

Freedom, you have gained quiet a bit of respect from me. I know the pain that comes from an affair from my side as the betrayed spouse. It didn't hit me until today before reading your post that the pain he talked about and how real it is. I asked my H earlier today how hard it is to wake up each morning and look at me and know about the pain he had inflicted on me. It was a surprising question for me because generally I am so wrapped up into making this marriage work that I don't think about the emotions that came with it, even my own strike me as afterthoughts once in awhile.<BR>I never had thought that maybe he was in pain but something today made me ask him that question. He looked at me startled that I had realized something and then said something that was meaningful to me. He said something like it was the hardest thing he had ever had to bear in his life but that our love was worth him bearing it.<BR>I would have never wanted him to have this pain. I wish I could take it all away and just let us love each other without thoughts of how the affair has affected us. Yet I would never let him take that affair away. He values me that much more since we are together. I am a person to him once more and meaningful in his eyes again. Maybe it's right to have that pain and hurt, maybe it makes you realize that the depth of love your spouse has for you and the depth of love you actually do have for your spouse. I know he was in love with her. He's never denied it (sometimes I wish he had, then I would feel less hurt maybe) He is curious about that love even now I think but he sees her flaws as he never saw them in the 20 years they had known each other. I think though that he also sees me differently. I am not a doormat or just the mother of the kids, I am ME. I have something wonderful with him and I think he knows that. And you know what? If it had been 3 years later I probably would take him back again too. If you are meant to be together God knows and finds a way to put you together again.<BR>Freedom, God has blessed you, may he continue to do so!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

To Roll Me Away,<P>Thanks for the kind words, but you're wrong. I have no integrity nor do I have any honor. The affair took all that away. Since I know that I was unfaithful and that it was wrong my self esteem is gone and no matter what I do to rectify the situation the feelings I have about myself don't seem to get any better.<P>To Sidney,<P>Lots of questions LOL. I'll try to take them one at a time:<BR>Q. How did my wife handle this?<BR>A. She put her faith in God and tried to live her life as best she could. Of course she had to take anti-depressants and tranquilizers during all this, but it was her faith in God that got her through it.<BR>Q. Did she ever file for divorce?<BR>A. During the 6 years we both filed, but when it came time to sign the final decree neither one of us could do it.<BR>Q. Do I think I'd still be with the ow if she hadn't given me that brake.<BR>A. Yes. Although the affair really ended in Nov. '98 I am still in love with her. I try not to think about her now, but when I hear a certain song, see a certain place, eat a certain food, etc, etc, etc all the memories come back and I convince myself that it could have worked. I don't know if I'll ever stop loving her or maybe it's the fantasy I'm in love with and that's why it's so hard to let go.<BR>Q. Self esteem and guilt?<BR>A. Self esteem has not returned probably because the guilt is always there. Guilt for what I did to my wife, family, kids, the ow, her family and myself.<P>To SDS,<BR>There is always hope. Sometimes that's all we have left.<P>To Skye,<BR>I think I know what he feels and why he did what he did. I know that all of you who have been betrayed will have a hard time understanding this, but I'm being very honest about what goes on in the head and heart of the betrayer. The feelings of love for the ow/om are very real. It is more of an addiction to the other person. Why it happens is probably different for all of us, but I know that when separated from the ow I was deeply depressed and full of despair. The only thing in life that mattered was getting back to her (just like a true addiction). She was my fix and I was hers. Yet even though there is this extremely strong attraction for the ow somewhere deep inside there was a part of me that hated myself for what I was doing to my wife and family. At times it was like a dream. The affair was wonderful, but I felt like it would end someday and I'd get back to where I was supposed to be. Kind of like the Wizard of Oz (and I'm not trying to be funny). Only whenever I tried to get back withdrawal would set in and I could never make the brake. It's a trap, a living hell. Your husband feels the same way. Yes he is in love with the ow, but he does have love for you. A part of him also hates what he has done and what he has become. He too may have tried to get back, but the addiction and withdrawal was too strong. Marrying the ow seals his fate. Once he does that the door is closed and there is no going back. That's why he won't marry her. I'm not trying to give you any false hope either. He may not be able to come back to you or may not want to, but something inside of him is really bothering him. He has low or no self esteem and is always carrying the guilt of the affair with him. He is not a happy man no matter how he appears on the outside. What should you do? If you have any feelings left for him and think you may want to get back together I would say: First don't trust him at all. Second take it very, very slowly. Third let him show you that he really loves you and wants you back. Fourth don't make it easy for him to come back into your life. I say this because you would want him back because he really loves you not because he has low self esteem or feels guilty. Just be careful. You've been hurt enough and you don't need to put yourself in a situation where it starts all over again. On the other hand he may really be in love with you and want to come back. If that's the case you need to be the one in control. Hope this helps. Good luck.

Freedom,<P>I don't know if it wlii help any,so here goes.<P>First thanks for you cander. HONESTY is most important.<P>A little about me. I'm a 31 year old recovering drug addict. My W has a 17 yr old boyfriend. Big downer I know. Any how the main thing that has saved me through all this is the 12 steps of recovery. They teach me I am powerless over my feelings, I can be restored to sanity, infidelity is an addiction which is not sane in nature, gives me a real relationship with God as iI understand Him, A life inventory that I share With God and another human being, I allow Him to remove my defects of character, I make a list of all people I harmed, I make DIRECT amends to them, whenever possibleexcept when to do sao would injure them or others,I count as others< I contiunue to inventiry and make amends,pray and meditate to improve my concience contact with God,and I try to carry this message to other sufforing addicts.<P>These steps help clear the reckage of the past allow me to get rid of SHAME and GUILT, and keep from doing it in the future. However I am human and I fall short. Thats ok. Today I don't HAVE to live in the past. My ghosts have no more power over me. This is true freedom.<P> I don't know if I helped this is just my experience. And I'm no better or worse than you my friend. Take time out ,give your self a break. You didn't get where you are in one day, so remember easy does it.<P>Hang In,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Skye,<P>I don't know how long you have been married, but, I didn't want to seal my fate because the affair was like a vacation, a fantasy, something too good to be true, in other words, I knew deep down it wasn't going to last. So I didn't want to lose the connection to my (real) life. The life with my wife and family. The life I spent 25 yrs building. It's just too much to give up. Yet the addiction of the affair kept me on the fence. When the divorce seemed inevitable I'd try to work things out with my wife, and when the ow and I would try to end the affair withdrawal would kick in and I'd work things out with her.<P>It was a living trap that I saw no end to. You hit the nail right on the head when you said, "Caught between two worlds". It's like a story from the Twilight Zone or Outer Limits only it's real and very scary.<P>I can't say for sure that's why he won't marry her, but those were my reasons. Hope this helps.

hey freedom.<BR>hope things are better for you, i know a lot of us have missed you here. the roller coaster is still chugging along for me...<BR><P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

freedom, don't know how long your visit is this time... I was just wondering how things are doing with you and your wife. I scanned your Whole Story again to see if you added anything from the last few months since your departure from the forum. So... how 'bout it? How 'bout an update?<P>--andy

Freedom,<BR>Wonderful story. But isn't God GREAT!!!!! I am probably one a rare breed here; I have NEVER been IN LOVE with my W. <B>Love is a decision that results in and action that leads to the feeling.</B> We do it all wrong by concentrating on the feeling.<P>From the moment I met my W, I knew she was the woman God intended for me to be with. I say this because my previous relationship was very similar. My ex-girlfriend left me because she thought I was cheating on her. The part that makes it really difficult was that she was listening to people who had never met me in order to come to the conclusion that I was cheating on her. After she broke up with me, I kissed women off. They could only be friends and coworkers. For a month they were just sex objects for enjoyment. Thank God He didn't let me get close enough to a woman to use for purely sexual pleasure during that month. I had vowed to become a monk and devote all my time to God.<P>God thought differently. He had me meet my W. We talked about 4 hours when He let me know that she was the woman He wanted me to marry. As I was devoted to my ex-girlfriend, I became devoted to my W the moment I asked her to marry me which was 15 days after I met her. I saw her then as I see her now: God's gift to me in spite of the pain that she has caused me. I have grown that much closer to Him and her with the passage of time. <B>I did not base this off a feeling. I based it off my decision to love God and to honor Him.</B><P>We really do fall for the lie that Satan tells us about the feeling. <B>The feelings are so much greater when you do it because it is right (right being defined by God.)</B> <P>Please forgive me if I have come across to strong. I am in one of my down moods. I find peace and comfort only in the Lord which is where I always go because that is where He tells us to go. He wants us to put credence in Him first and people second to include ourselves. When we get things in the wrong order that is when we make errors. Believe me I know because I have made my fair share of getting things in the wrong order.<P><P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Hi Andy,<P>How are you doing? Email me at:<BR>check-mate@worldnet.att.net<P>I lost your email.<P>Joe