Is the only issue to getting married is that two people love each other?<p>The reason I ask is that I always believed other issues needed to be discussed before getting married or proposing. I was always told that the fairy tale "love conquers all" is not true and love alone is not enough.<p>Other issues that should be resolved are issues of: Religion or beliefs, future kids (My girlfriend has 3 from a former marriage, finacial -how and where money will be spent, child rearing/discipline.<p>My girlfriend is pushing for marriage but does not believe we need to talk about or resolve any of the above issues. She says that if I truly loved her I would marry her. In the past when I tried to discuss other issues that have not been resolved she just gets upsets and feels then that she is not good enough and that I don't really love her.<p>She recently been reading Cosmopolitan articles on "the rules" and pulling away from me to shake me up and make me commit to her. But what she does not realize is that she invertly did that last Oct when she pulled away from and were seperated for about two weeks. Well during that time I decided I did not want to loose her, so I was going to propose. That is until I caught her bed with another guy--Not too good for what I thought was a 3 year relationship that was supposed to end in marriage.<p>Anyway I have worked hard on forgiving her,but after only 5 months of her cheating on me (she was with that guy a few times), she is doing the full court press for marriage and applying "the rules". Now when she pulls away, I think she is wanting to or thinking about cheating--so "the rules" as she is reading them no longer apply in our situation.<p>If she want to close the deal as the article in "the rules" states, then why will she not acknowledge that other issues are involved besides love (ie finacial, religion,kids etc) and why is she expecting me to be fully over her infidelity after only 5 months.<p>Please help

I think you know that you are questioning your proposal since you are here. Let me give you some advice as a recently married woman. When I met my husband it was instant for me. I new within a few days that we were going to be together forever. I think the most important and critical factor in our relationship is that we are best friends, too. So many people have the relationship of "girfriend" and "boyfriend", but aren't really each others best friends. It is very critical to have those discussions BEFORE the proposal. What if she doesn't want kids? Is she going to work? Are you going to save? Where do you see yourselves in 5 years? I find it very immature to use "the rules" to get what she wants. That is very manipulative and makes me think she will always be that way. Of course there is always another side to the story. How long have you two been together? If she is not mature enough to discuss these issues now, will she be able to handle them in the future. It sounds to me that she just wants to be "married" and isn't thinking about what that truly means as a commitment. My husband and I do not believe in divorce, so we covered all those bases to make sure we were on the same page about things. And if not, we came to a compromise. She sounds like she needs to step away from the glamour of being the bride and talk to you. Maybe if she is going to play the games with you, she isn't ready. Maybe you should give her the ultimatum that unless she discusses these things with you she will never see the ring. Be smart and get the answers you need before you jump in to marriage. Love can get you through those hard times, but you have to have a solid foundation to build from. Good luck! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

What I am going to suggest to you is that you look to find yourself another person who is much more mature than your girlfriend. In a three year relationship she refuses to discuss with you the critical issues that marriages are based on? She has sex with another guy when you are planning to propose to her? She believes in a fairy tale approach to marriage that love will take care of finances and her three children?
If you are unable now to discuss the core issues that pertain to a marriage then what makes you think you will be able to discuss these after you are married? It is very clear that you are in way over your head with this woman. It would be hard to imagine with her attitude that you would have a successful marriage. The implication is that when she does not get her way she looks toward other men? You wish to be a step father to her three children and she refuses to even discuss the issue of rules and discipline?
I am afraid that you are walking into quicksand.
This woman is neither intelligent or mature enough to be married. I am hoping that you have enough sense to see this also. I wish you luck.

I am engaged and came to these boards for support in dealing with issues that effect my relationship today and would effect my relationship when married. I could have buried these issues to keep the peace now, but they would have come back again after marraige. I've read enough posts here to know that. Several people here who told me to break off the engagement because there were problems.<p>I made a commitment and so did my fiance. We are working on the problems. It isn't easy. We hit road blocks and set backs and make progress with these issues, just as married people do. We work on these issues now because we DO love each other. You may want to consider my situation when evaluating your own desire to work on things now. <p>What is love to you? To me love means trusting yourself and the other person enough to say what you truly feel, no matter what. Sometimes you won't like what you hear. Sometimes you have to compromise on something you can when the other person cannot. You must love someone enough to risk losing them. Love them enough to let them find someone who will give what they cannot compromise on. Love them enough to walk away if they cannot give what you cannot compromise on. Love them enough to tell them what might hurt and comfort them when that hurt happens. Love them enough to listen to them tell truths that hurt and allow them to comfort you when that hurt happens. Again, that's just my take on love. You must decide your own and use it to guide your decisions.

I am reading some reluctancy here on the part of a few of you to honestly look at the real issue. IS LOVE ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED? <p>In a perfect world where we human beings remain as unfallen as the day God created us, I would say yes. But look around, that world doesn't exist! God created Adam and Eve with love, placed them in a perfect world surrounded with love, supplied them directly with ALL they needed and still, they disobeyed Him and walked a path of destruction. (Now if man can so easily botch up the perfect love relationship that ever existed, the one man had directly with God, what do you think can happen when 2 imperfect human beings try to use just love as the basis for marriage???)<p>So look around, this world has not gotten better since then....in fact, it has gotten worse. I wish love was all that was needed but it isn't. Take a look at this board and read through some of the problems most of these people are having in thier relationships. Infidelity, selfishness, arrogance, pride, emotional baggage , old dysfunctional patterns played out in new families, financial demise, deception and hate, abuses of all kinds....and on and on. I have to say that no, love is not enough. Emotionally and spiritually maturity , understanding and compassion, real hope, a healthy attitude, true commitment in the face of all temptations, unselfishness, humbleness and a willingness to learn how to give and take and love another are the foundation, and only the foundation, of a good healthy marriage. If that foundation is false, or made with faulty material or made without true commitment to one another, then what you build on it may not have a chance. <p>All the other issues such as same values in finances, religious choice, child rearing and so on also play a dynamic part in any marriage and I would hope that a couple would know these things before they ever thought of getting engaged. After all, isn't getting to know someone what dating is all about?? I would think simple basic core issues would have been settled BEFORE a person gets engaged. <p>Well that is just my take on it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God bless,
frstrd

Is love enough to keep a marriage alive?<p>No. Simple. It isn't. What most people call love is infatuation and does not last. Look at marriage statistically. 50% of first marriages fail. A higher percentage of second marriages fail and so forth. Do you think that ALL of those 50% weren't in 'love'? Probably most if not all were in love. It wasn't enough.<p>You choose to love and what is chosen today can be un-chosen tomorrow.<p>No, love is NOT enough.

Is love enough?<p>I believe YES, but at a COST. <p>Do you love her enough to sacrifice your life to fulfill HER needs and ignore yours?<p>You being in love now may say YES. If YES, can you honestly tell yourself that you can continue this way in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, all your life WITHOUT any regret?<p>Before I was married to my wife (who was my girlfriend then for over 9 years, and the one and only woman I ever had sex with) had said she does not think sex is a priority in marriage. It was and is an issue to me that we briefly discussed prior to marriage but I went ahead beause I LOVE her, but honestly deep inside me I HOPE marriage will change her views.<p>So here I am now almost 7 years married and the issue is still there. And we're slowly addressing the issue as it has affected other parts of the marriage.<p>You're smart and wise enough to acknowledge these, don't let LOVE alone make the judgement. You know it in you, yet you doubt yourself and your own judgement to post here. <p>It hurts, but you're mature to handle it and make the correct decision for your life.