I think my wife has had just about enough. My situation is this. I’m a full-time student seeking a bachelor’s degree at a large, local university. My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years now and our marriage has been the pits ever since I started going back to school again. You see, I was in the military for 4 years and met my wife after about 2 ½ years in. I got out, got married, and went back to school. I tried the job hunting thing, but getting my degree and pursuing more lofty goals was what I wanted to do. I decided on this long before I met my wife. School is very time consuming and very stressful, but now I only have 1 year left. On top of all this I’ve been trying to balance a 2 part-time jobs. My wife works full time. We’ve been having financial problems. For a while we were doing fine…even while I was in school until we just started to spread ourselves too thin. You know how it is when you’re young and you want things and you want to settle yourselves into your home. I felt that we were spreading ourselves thin, but I didn’t want to deny her the things that she wanted. Now we can just barely make ends meet. I’m not trying to put all of this on her, because I have also made a few bad financial decisions also. We’ve had to spend some large amounts that came unexpectedly. That happens. Sometimes I feel like if I had only said something in the beginning to keep us from getting into trouble…but now it’s too late. Now she’s talking about getting another job. She’s already maxed out at the job she’s at and I just don’t want that for her. I feel if anybody should get another job it should be me. I used to be able to contribute quite well to our monthly expenses with my jobs and educational assistance I get from the military, but one of my jobs is cutting back on hours now. Anyway, let me get back to the school thing, because that is the biggest thing in this. As I said before it has been a time hog for me. I mean, during the semester I am stressed to the max. I just have so very little time for us to spend together. With school, you’re always bringing work home, and because your schedule changes every semester it is hard to plan things to do at regular intervals. For example, I had to work a few Saturdays because they cut my hours, or I have to study for a test Sunday evening because I worked too much during the week. My wife and I are gym members and I just can’t remember when the last time I’ve been there and I’ve been meaning to work out with her at regular intervals. All kinds of stupid meetings pop up because of school and/or work and stuff. It’s just frustrating to me because I want to spend that time with her. And everything is mandatory. There’s just no way out of it, you know. The first few months we had after our wedding were the best. We both were looking for jobs, money was in the bank, we were going on little trips, and all that. Nothing but time. Now it all has come to a halt. I’ve been so stressed with school, finances, family, and job that I can’t even think. I’ve neglected my wife and I don’t know what to do to get her back. I’ve told her time and time again that I would change and that things will be better once I get out of school, but I can’t promise that, and it’s been so long already that she is getting fed up. She threatened to leave me once and that about killed me. She has since threatened to do so again because I just don’t have time for her. I try to explain to her that certain things are out of my control and that I’m doing my best to work around them, but as long as I’m in school, things will get worse and worse. I got one more year to go and I don’t think she can take another. We are going to begin attending a class at our church for couples that is supposed to help us along, so I know there still is a chance, but what if there isn’t? I love my wife so much and I work as hard as I do for her so I can meet her needs. I just haven’t been there to meet her needs emotionally and that’s what is killing us. Help. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

maybe post this on the Emotional needs board or general questions..you'll probably get alot more responses

Engineer, first please stop thinking that everything is out of your control - that is simply not true. The consequences you are experiencing now are the results of your choices - if you want different results, just change your choices!<p>If I were you, I'd transfer from full-time day school to part-time night school, and get a full-time job. Then you would have a few nights during the week to spend with the W (and to work out with her?) as well as less homework to do on the weekends. <p>You can make up the difference between the full and part time schedules by taking a few night classes during the summer. You'd alleviate the financial problems, too. As you've no doubt noticed, part-time jobs rarely pay as well as full-time jobs.<p>I worked full time and went to school at night through both college and graduate school and it worked fine. Easy? No, but more than do-able.<p>Yes, it would be hard, it might even mean you have to find another school that offers night school. But you might as well get your priorities in order while you're young - your wife should be your first priority, your marriage your second, and everything else in the order that the TWO of you decide it should be in. <p>Meaning, first, that you seem to be putting your career goals before your wife's happiness, which should stop right now, and second, it seems like you alone have decided that your education comes first to every other goal, when that should have been jointly decided upon, and reviewed to see if desires and needs had changed every few semesters.<p>Better that, then you become an engineer more quickly and yet are divorced, right?<p>It's interesting to me that you gave yourself all the answers to your own questions in your post:<p>I’ve neglected my wife and I don’t know what to do to get her back. ...I just don’t have time for her. Hello? Make the time.<p>I got one more year to go and I don’t think she can take another. Hello? Change your schedule.<p>I love my wife so much and I work as hard as I do for her so I can meet her needs. Why don't you ask her to list and rank her needs? This sounds like you are putting her need for future security and current material needs above her need to spend time with you, yet from the rest of your post it seems that her top need is to spend time with you - so fill that need!<p>I just haven’t been there to meet her needs emotionally and that’s what is killing us. Well, this is pretty clear, isn't it? Both of you just have to decide that your time together is much more important than furnishing your house now or getting your degree on time.<p>You need to stop believing you can "have it all" and at all the same time. For some reason people believe that at a very young age they should be getting straight A's, have a great marriage, a beautifully furnished home, two great cars, not to mention well-balanced kids, a healthy social life, exercise five times a week... blah, blah, blah.<p>While it is possible to "have it all", you can only expect to be able to maintain "having a little bit" of everything in balance to create a healthy life. Decide that your time together is more important than a having the latest trinkets, cut up your credit cards, start paying cash for everything and work less. Just do it! <p>Then you'll have more time together to go out, to play and to exercise too. And, you'll be getting yourself out of having to have a bunch of future garage sales!<p>We seem to expect to have at a very young age all that our parents worked all their lives to attain - I think we need to get our expectations of ourselves more in line with reality.<p>Also, most people wait until they're out of school to marry because they are more mature and beyond the "time hog" that an education can be. By marrying before completing your educations, you knew that you were in for this, didn't you? Well, then you also knew that you put yourselves in a position where you must both act more mature than your years. It's just one of the consequences of your choice.<p>If you think your current time and money crunch is difficult, just wait until you add children to the mix. Learn the lessons now and save yourself pain later...<p>Always remember that a real man is far, far more than the education he attains, the money he makes and the things he provides for his family.<p>Please strive to balance your worldly concerns with your personal concerns - over your lifetime, you'll eventually learn that your real growth as a person (yup, the reason you're on the planet, after all!) comes from your investment in the people who make up your personal life, the most important of whom, of course, is and must always remain your wife. So, start acting like it! Be real partners, sharing goal-setting and other decisions - do that, and everything else will naturally fall into place over time...

(Please add blank lines to your future postings because one huge paragraph is very difficult to read.)<p>Good luck to you!<p>Gobyfish<p>[ May 22, 2002: Message edited by: gobyfish ]</p>

As a Wife that is also fed up I suggest SERIOUSLY making an effort to show her and prove to her this time apart is only temporary. Now you muct really decide if you can make her a priority. It will be hard and bumpy but if you reinterate HER as your #1 priority!!! Print out what gobyfish suggest and follow it wholeheartedly!