OK, so a little background... I have 2 children, ages 3 and 20 months. I have been a single mama pretty much since conception with each (summer fling dumped me when I got pregnant the first time, first guy I dated after that raped me the second time) so both biodads are FAR out of the picture. I've been happy to be single and do it all on my own. I was engaged to be married before, with a guy I met just out of high school. We were together on and off for about 4 years, the last year was really hard. Basically I was as committed as if I had said the vows and thought we should work through our individual issues together, and he felt he needed to work out all his stuff alone before we got married... We broke up 6 years ago (VERY PAINFUL). Over the course of that time I dated quite a bit (before kids) and I have been in love with one guy and he is in love with me, but that will not ever work out because of lifestyle differences (he is a drug addict). I have finally come to terms with that, and he and I have developed good strong boundries which I am committed to maintaining.<p>So I started dating last summer (hadn't been dating since getting pregnant with my 20 month old). I kept people away from my kids, went out after they were asleep maybe 2-3 times a month and talked some on the phone. I was not looking for a life partner, just a little reprieve from my constant responsibility as a mama.<p>Well, a little over 2 months ago I met a guy on-line who I'll call P. We emailed for about a week and a half before we met in person. I was falling in love already, but holding out for real life, and in person he is what I want. We connect wonderfully. Unlike all the other people I've dated I immidiately started imagining what it would be like to share my life with him. We made time for each other and have seen each other 3-4 times a week since meeting (after the kids are asleep at my place, one night out on the town, and one day time date a week, usually). Plus we email.<p>I've been trying to sabatoge it, in a way, examining everything that could possibly be wrong, and searching for flaws to keep myself grounded. And all it has come to is this: I have been more infatuated with other people before. (though he hasn't). I sometimes get a little annoyed by the way he says "um" and "hm". I have been searching my heart as to weather this will be a big deal to me in the long run, and I've decided it isn't. I've decided not to pick on him for it, and the minute I decided that it stopped bothering me so much. The other thing I worry about a little is that he has never been in a romantic relationship before. He has only dated 3 people before me. He is 33, has been through a lot of therapy to deal with past abuse issues, and he didn't feel worthy of being loved before, but seems to have gotten through a lot of that and to still be willing to work on things when they come up.<p>It is uncanny, the way he has the qualities I have been looking for. When I made my pie in the sky "I'll just make a list of everything I would need another person to be/do if I was to ever imagine partnering" list I never expected to find a person who fit, but I did.<p>He has met my children and they loved him immidiately (they tend to be very shy around new people, but adore him). He has met all my friends and family and they all like him too and say he "fits" with us. It's true.<p>We have seen each other sick. We have had and resolved a couple little misunderstandings. We have weathered a couple personal crisis (extended family things). What it comes down to is that no matter how good or bad a day I am having or he is having, I'd rather be with him than without him.<p>So I started thinking, if we are still together next year, we should get married. I do not want to be with someone very long without committment, because I don't want my children to form a huge attachment. Also, I am not willing to let someone play daddy in any way (even a little bit of help) unless I know he is sticking around for good.<p>Then I started thinking about the practicality of getting married next year... and how much more sense it would make financially and in terms of upheavel in the kids lives if we got married about 4 months from now. (I have been living on savings and freelance work and will have to start a new job in December if I do not have financial support... that means day care for the kids and then if we got married 6 months later readjusting to my quitting or getting a less full time arrangement and changing child care et cetera). I am NOT just looking for a "provider", but he would make a decent one... There are other aspects, too.<p>Basically, when I think about it and feel about it, I know he is the person I want to be with. I love him, he loves me, and he is a mature person, comminicates well, is honest... and is everything else I asked for with the small exception of saying "um" more than I like. My experience has made me wary of long term relationships without complete committment, and once I imagine it, I am anxious for a little help with the work of parenting and providing for my children.<p>We have talked a little bit about the future because I don't normally introduce dates to my kids, so we talked about that, and I wanted to be able to see what he was like around them before I fell too far in love. We have agreed that we want this to me "meaningful and lasting" but have not said the word "marriage" yet. He has postponed buying a house, though (which he was thinking of doing about the time we met) and signed a new lease in a place closer to my house (which I own). He is definitely thinking along the same lines as I am.<p>Is it always a bad idea to get married quickly? Or should I trust my feelings and go for it?
