Hi. I have seen some great posts on this board. Can somebody please help with some advice?<p>I am 32 and have been in a relationship for a year and a half with a woman aged 28 which is very important to me. After having several girlfriends and even a wife (no kids) I can say this is the first time I found someone I really loved and committed myself to the relationship. I completely trust and admire her, I would like to marry her and have kids.<p>But things have been difficult for us. I have been afraid of commitment, afraid of getting into a relationship and suffering it's end. I guess this probably comes from my family history, my parents both divorced and remarried several times. We have both witnessed our parents having a bad time with their relationships, so we seem to be always looking for the perfect person.<p>Last year, at this same time of year, we were somewhat distanced and depressed and I got very insecure and cheated on her with an ex girlfriend and coworker. She found out. It was awful, we broke up for a month and I undertook therapy, which was a great thing to do for me. It was also great for me to read articles from the marriagebuilders site. She was and continues to be in therapy, and she is a therapist herself. <p>When we got back together, we started having a very dependant (codependent?) relationship, and it seems we not able to totally rebuild trust. In the last few months we traveled and practically lived together and had nice times but we also got into criticism wars often and we could stubbornly disagree and get angry about the most stupid things. Love busters. I tried really hard to please her, maybe too hard, I think. I neglected my job and got laid off, left the city to come live near her and actually lived at her place in a practical sense. I believe she may suffer from a certain degree of BPD or HPD. I was definitely walking on eggshells. She felt very insecure about me and I was often afraid she would leave me, I felt as if she was always keeping me on the edge, to see if I was perfect enough, loving enough, secure enough, etc. Of course that did not help me feel more secure. <p>In the last month she found a job and I criticized her for not committing more to our relationship and spending too much time working. She was always talking about how cool the job was and how she enjoyed working with her boss, but she worked many many hours (more than 10 a day sometimes) and was really very tired, and she neglected stuff that I know is dear to her. This guy seemed to value her professionally and offered her lots of money not too leave.<p>Because of her job and my activities, we were not seeing each other much. I a way the situation was similar to when I cheated on her exactly 1 year ago. I think perhaps she unconsciously (or consciously) feared I will cheat on her again.<p>Two week ago she broke up with me, at first she said it had nothing to with her boss but a few days later she admitted that she had strong feelings for the guy. Just a week after breaking up with me, they were already spending nights together and petting at her house, but I do not know if the have had sex yet. In any case, I am devastated. <p>I am currently unemployed and living at my mother's and this guy is older and very successful. Sometimes me and her had a hard time getting along lately but whenever we would try to take time to breathe or even break up we ended getting back together again like nothing had happened, but there was nobody else. Now it is different. She seems really into this guy, she says she doesn't really miss me and I feel that something is very wrong. She has not been able to tell me what it is that she needs so much and that I cannot provide.<p>The guy has been divorced for a year and has two daughters which her cares very much about, he is a great dad and that I guess is very important to her. He is a safe bet where I am not, and she may be feeling that it is time to make a decision for the sake of convention, having kids and all that stuff. <p>I really love her and miss her very much. I think she is making a big mistake. I believe she is in a very vulnerable moment and her boss might be using her. I could really use some advice. I have this wild hope that it is about getting even and that she will come back to me in a while, when the initial thrill wears off and she starts missing me. I feel that my life is empty without her in it. Any advice? Thank You.<p>Sincerely,<p>--
Ignacio

i don't know if you want to hear some not-so-pleasant things from me. but here goes.<p>try to rebuild your life. fill your life. with a job, your own place, sports, volunteer work, hobbies, rather than with nothing but your former partner or memories of her. people want to be with other people who have it going on, know what i mean?<p>i don't know whether she will come back to you, but i know it does no good to sit around moping. if you've read about the ENs, then you will know that financial support or stability is important. perhaps being with this guy is fulfilling that need for her.<p>i think you have stated your own problem. the criticism. would you stick with someone who is telling you how rotten you are, how nothing you do is right, day in and day out? i think not. maybe you need to get to grips with your critical nature.<p>good luck <p>Anise

Thank You Anise. You are right that I have stuff to learn, but it was a little more complicated than criticism. We were stuck in a circle of insecurity. I did not criticize her a lot, and I told her every day how beatiful she is to me, how much I like her and the many things I enjoyed about being with her. But sometimes I felt like I was talking to a wall. I do not know whether she will come back either. I do think she might, but I am not putting my life on hold. I have tons of stuff to do with myself, but I do welcome advice on how to handle this time, how to make the best of what relationship we might maintain, how to have some kind of positive contact so that the chances are maximized.

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