Please tell me this is normal. . .<p>My husband and I have been married two weeks short of a year, and we've been having BIG problems since the week after the honeymoon. We actually haven't been living together for the entire year because he's in the military and was deployed for six months, three months after we got married. But that was the easiest time of our short marriage! <p>I think the majority of our problems stem from living together! He's an early bird, I'm a night owl. He's messy, I'm a neat-freak. He likes to mix work time and relax time, I'm all work first, play later. And so on and so forth. . .these may seem like minor things, but it's gotten to the point that he's driving me crazy! He's a lot more laid back than I am, so our differences don't bother him nearly as badly as they bother me.<p>I know these things shouldn't bother me so much, but they just do. I feel like I'm having to pick up for his slack, and he's being disrespectful by not trying to be a little neater, work a little harder, etc. These actions of his (or lack thereof) don't bother me near as much as what I feel it stands for. I have always told myself I wouldn't get trapped in a marriage where the woman just caters to the man, but I feel like that's where it's headed, and it scares the hell out of me. I don't know, maybe I'm just being too demanding. All I know is that I'm crying every other day, and I'm very worried for our future. And if we're having this many problems with just the two of us, I can't imagine adding a child to all this chaos!<p>I've tried everything I know how to do. . .changing to do things his way (just makes me resent him), begging and crying (only works for a little while), yelling and demanding (doesn't work at all), compromising (works for a little while before he changes back and I get mad), asking nicely and discussing the differences (has no effect whatsoever), and on and on and on. I guess at this point, I just have a few questions. . . <p>1. Is it normal for a couple who didn't live together before marriage to have serious growing pains in the first year?<p>2. If so, when does it stop?<p>3. What can I do as an individual to help the situation? And what can we do as a couple to live together peacefully?<p>Thank you so much for taking the time to help a couple of frustrated newlyweds out!<p>P.S. Just so there's no confusion. . .neither of us cheat, gamble, drink, party too much, work too much, or any of that stuff. I think he's such a wonderful man, and I know he practically worships the ground I walk on. We love each other dearly; we just can't seem to live together! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 22, 2002: Message edited by: LisaJDToBe ]</p>

Lisa,<p>I commend you for not living together before you married. What you are going through is very normal. Is he willing to compromise with you? Are you willing to compromise with him?<p>My H is a neat freak (he hates when I say that) and I tend to be a bit messier - I'm not a slob, but I don't like to fold the clothes right away (he does) or always make my bed (he does). We have both compromised on issues.<p>Not sure if you're Christian, but I subscribe to a Christian magazine called Marriage Partnership and I know they touch on this (and a bunch of other marital issues). You can view the magazine on-line or order it to be delivered.<p>I wish you all the best and Congratulations on the marriage! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 22, 2002: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</p>

Lisa<p>I don't normally post on this board but I saw your request on "anniversaries" and thought I would take a look. After doing so, I am compelled to respond.<p>The first thing I would tell you is that, in my opinion, your H needs to straighten up and you need to loosen up. I.E. COMPROMISE.<p>You cannot change to for him any more than he can change for you, but you can both change a little bit. You should have to cry and beg to get him to do things. And this will only make things worse in the long run.<p>Have you considered filling out the emotional needs questionaire? This may help. You also need to tell him how you feel in a non-threatening manner. For example, "I feel really disrespected when you leave your pants laying around." <p>Sit down and discuss it with him. I know you say you have tried this but apparently you haven't gotten through to him. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel when he does or doesn't do something. Always try to use "I feel" statements. Don't be accusing or attacking. But don't be afraid to rock the boat. And work out a compromise. <p>Let me give you a couple of examples from my life. I sweep and my H mops because I don't like to mop and he likes a floor that isn't sticky. He doesn't like the way I load the dishwasher, so he does dishes. I don't like the way he sorts the laundry, so I do laundry. <p>You both have to willing to compromise. And as I said earlier, you H needs to get more with the program and you need to relax a bit. In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't a big deal if his pants are laying on the bedroom floor.<p>I hope this has helped you some. My biggest piece of advice is don't be afraid to tell your H what you need from him and always ask what he needs from you.<p>Regretting

Hi Lisa,
Well I've been married three years now and have been having the same problem as you from day one of living with my H.
Part of the problem could be the way that he grew up! My H parents did everything for my H and his brother and is still doing it up to this day.
Yes we are living together, but his parents lives a few houses from us and still spoils him.<p>He's a messy person and well I'm a neat freak. I was in the same situation as you.
I've spoken to him about it many times (and as I said spoken, not argued)and like your H. he'll make an effort, but only for about two days. And then I'll find myself asking him to help me do the same things that we have spoken about just some weeks ago.<p>He does not help cook, clean-up after dinner, sweep, mop, sweep the yard, put out the garage (sometimes) and I can go on and on.
He prefers to pay someone to wash down the cars and paint the rooms in the apartment.<p>What he also does is not do what I ask him to do properly. So I find myself doing it over or not asking him to do anything again. L. I know how your feeling but it can still have hope for you.<p>Probably your H did not grow-up like mines and might be willing to put a helping hand when ever you need it. I'm still having the problem, so what I do now, is do what ever I can do at the time and leave the rest.It bugs me alot because I want everthing in it's place and neat but I've reach a point to just let it be for now. Like the 2nd or 3rd person said you probably need to relax yourself a little because I don't want you to end up like me picking-up after him and telling him the same thing over and over, like me for three years, upsetting myself all these years and he has not changed ( only for some days or hours).<p>His parents has spoiled him for 28yrs. and is still spoiling him and he's 31yrs. now.So it will take me a few years to try and get him involved in the home and as the saying goes, " You can't teach an old dog new tricks" It's comes like, if you want a baby or child to learn something, you have to teach them from small, like gymnastics. Because when they get older it will be harder to teach it to them and for them to learn.<p>So the bottom line is to find ways of getting him involved in helping you when your doing something.You can try folding clothes for instance,sitting their with him talking or watching t.v. and asking him to help while you are speaking or watching t.v.The time will past and he may not even notice he was helping out. But remember to always thank him even for the smallest thing.<p>I have faith in you that things will work out for you. And pray about it to. Tell the Lord how you want your H. to help out, just like what you have said in this letter.
The journey has just began, don't quit.
God Bless.<p>M : 30yrs.
H : 31yrs.
Kids : 0<p>User name Kayin(long awited child)<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LisaJDToBe:
<strong>Please tell me this is normal. . .<p>My husband and I have been married two weeks short of a year, and we've been having BIG problems since the week after the honeymoon. We actually haven't been living together for the entire year because he's in the military and was deployed for six months, three months after we got married. But that was the easiest time of our short marriage! <p>I think the majority of our problems stem from living together! He's an early bird, I'm a night owl. He's messy, I'm a neat-freak. He likes to mix work time and relax time, I'm all work first, play later. And so on and so forth. . .these may seem like minor things, but it's gotten to the point that he's driving me crazy! He's a lot more laid back than I am, so our differences don't bother him nearly as badly as they bother me.<p>I know these things shouldn't bother me so much, but they just do. I feel like I'm having to pick up for his slack, and he's being disrespectful by not trying to be a little neater, work a little harder, etc. These actions of his (or lack thereof) don't bother me near as much as what I feel it stands for. I have always told myself I wouldn't get trapped in a marriage where the woman just caters to the man, but I feel like that's where it's headed, and it scares the hell out of me. I don't know, maybe I'm just being too demanding. All I know is that I'm crying every other day, and I'm very worried for our future. And if we're having this many problems with just the two of us, I can't imagine adding a child to all this chaos!<p>I've tried everything I know how to do. . .changing to do things his way (just makes me resent him), begging and crying (only works for a little while), yelling and demanding (doesn't work at all), compromising (works for a little while before he changes back and I get mad), asking nicely and discussing the differences (has no effect whatsoever), and on and on and on. I guess at this point, I just have a few questions. . . <p>1. Is it normal for a couple who didn't live together before marriage to have serious growing pains in the first year?<p>2. If so, when does it stop?<p>3. What can I do as an individual to help the situation? And what can we do as a couple to live together peacefully?<p>Thank you so much for taking the time to help a couple of frustrated newlyweds out!<p>P.S. Just so there's no confusion. . .neither of us cheat, gamble, drink, party too much, work too much, or any of that stuff. I think he's such a wonderful man, and I know he practically worships the ground I walk on. We love each other dearly; we just can't seem to live together! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ June 22, 2002: Message edited by: LisaJDToBe ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] kayin [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]