My husband & I have been married for just over a year, we dated for 6 yrs before marrying. Three weeks ago, I got angry at him and asked him to leave, he begged & pleaded for us to talk things through and for the first time I stood my ground even though it killed me emotionally. So he left. I made the biggest mistake in the world & I know that, I let my short temper get the best of me...and it was all over something stupid. We still see each other and talk and have big cry-fests, but he won't come back. He doesn't know what he wants...I think he still has resentment about me kicking him out. He says he loves me, that he doesn't think he can live without me, but he doesn't want to come back & have the fighting start again.
Well, I recently found out that he dated someone else for 5 days at the beginning of our seperation & broke it off because he wasn't happy being with someone else. Now I'm dealing with a lot of pain from that, and I tell him I need something from him so I can start to forgive...but he sill can't tell me he wants to come back, but he doesn't want a divorce. I've agreed to give him the rest of the month to work out his feelings but it is so hard, I barely sleep, I rarely eat, and I cry constantly. I hang on because I love him so much & I know our problems could be worked out, but he's turning his problems into bigger ones...by spending every night in the bar drinking to deal with the pain. I keep holding on to the hope, & reassuring him that I am confident that we can work...but he just isn't willing to see it.

I've never posted a reply yet, but felt really moved by your message. My husband and I went through a very hard first few years too. I know you are hurt about the other woman. He was hurt by your seeming to give up on him and your marriage. I don't know how you are approaching him when you talk to him about coming back, but calm and firm in your determination to continue your marriage and reaffirmation of your love seem to be doing really well for me. And when you are back together again - let me make this REALLY clear - do not use divorce, leaving, tell him to leave...etc. as a tool in your anger. This introduces the thoughts that stay in the back of people's minds. Commit to your marriage - easy or hard - and work it through. I believe if you love each other, it can be done. Good luck. I will say a prayer for you.

Thanks so much for the kind words Kellidiane. I, too, believe that because we do love each other that we can make it work. I have told him that because this other relationship was not sexual, that it was extremely short, & because we were seperated I will be able to forgive him, although it will be awhile before I forget. I have not said a single negative thing to him since I have come to this site and realized how much my words had been hurting him, even though to me, they were meaningless threats. I have sworn to myself I will never, ever make threats to him, and that I will always think before I react. And it does seem to be doing good, we have been getting along great, although we are still living seperately.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have sworn to myself I will never, ever make threats to him, and that I will always think before I react. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is not enough. You need to apologise to him and *promise* him you would not do it again. Once you know you are at fault in a situation, it is important to take responsibility as soon as possible.
You need to work extra hard on your husband so that he can come home. The fact that he spends time in the bar shows that he probably has other issues. The longer you stay apart, the more difficult will it be to bring him back. Your marriage is relatively young, and you cannot afford to plant bad seeds so soon.