Hi all,

I'm married to a women who I do not love and have nevr loved. I'm a real idiot because I married her for all the wrong reasons. Firstly, we courted for 5 years and I was too embarassed to walk out of the relationship and disappoint a whole string of people. Secondly, we became physically intimate before we were married and I felt that I had to marry this women.

I've been married for about a year now. We have no common interests and conversation is a real strain. She is extremely possessive, to the point where she tries making life a living hell for me when I want to go to my own family.

Do I get Divorced because I am so miserable, or do I continue, hoping that love will grow?

Please help.

I don't have any advice to offer you, I just wanted to let you know I am going through the same thing as you. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. I feel a responsibility to so many people. He has 2 children. I have been the only Mother his daughter has really ever known. Her Mother walked out on them years ago and I have (without trying) taken her place. It would just kill me to have her feel like another Mom has left. I am only 27 and my BF is 40. He was injured at work several years ago and is awaiting back surgery. I am the only supporter of this family which also makes me feel trapped. He has been on prescription pills for so long, he is not the same person I fell in love with. I have tried to bring the spark back in our life, but unable to do so (or too tired to do so). Keep me posted on how things are going with you, I will do the same. Maybe some support can be found discussing this with someone else who knows how you feel. One question I would like to post to you. Is she a good person whom you do not want to hurt?

Thought I'd let you know you can get alot of advice from people on WebMD.com. The couples coping message board is answered pretty much right after you post. Plus you will see how many people feel bout your situation. Just a thought.

Sorry for the previous post...clicked on "Add Reply" too fast.

HardKnockLife,

Thankyou for sharing your experience. I'm not sure what to say except that life is best lived out of passion and not out of obligation. You in a position where you are not married to this guy. The rules of marriage do not apply to unmarried people who are still courting. the question you have to ask yourself is whether you love this guy enough to marry him and stay with him for the rest of your life.

If the only reason you are in the relationship is to provide a mother to your boyfriend's daughter, I would say that you are setting yourself up for misery for the rest of your life. And if you are miserable, you are going to make him miserable too.

You are only 27 years old and you deserve and have the right to be happy. You have the right to fall in love with someone. Your boyfriend has already been married. You deserve being married to someone who you really love.

I wish you strength in making the best decision for your life. I'm not here to judge you though. Life is tough as things are right now. Choose happiness by making the right decision.

I do not believe I loved the man I married either. I was very young and began a sexual relationship and then felt obligated to marry this man. I lived with him for almost 20 yrs and always felt I should have done more, had more, been more and resented him for my mistakes however I did in many ways learn to love him. I would advise if you have children and this woman is attractive to you and desirable and loves you find help. If no children RUN>>>

Not knowing your whole story makes it harder to give advice. First off, only you can decide what to do, not anyone else. Secondly, have you tried counselling?

My gut feeling on this is your reacting to your pain instead of truely dealing with the issues between you and your spouse.

Many people on the MB board have spoken to the issue - "I never loved...." - I suggest looking at these posts. Many of them repeat the same thing - you were in love (and maybe still are deep down) but you are in too much pain to see it or even want to accept it. I find it difficult that someone could be with a person for 5 years without an emotional connection. Maybe you have issues surrounding the ability to love or to accept love - only you can answer that. I am sorry if I appear to be insensitive to your pain, I don't mean to be. Your feelings of unhappiness are valid and need to be dealt with. I just want to make the point that sometimes our pain is so great that we cannot imagine the love that once was. But there is hope.

Take a look at MB article on doing Plan A.
This is a great place to start to try and rebuild your marriage.

This is to Trapped_Man. I agree totally with you when you said one should live life out of passion and not obligation. I've been married for just 5 years, but it feels like 50. My husband and I married for the wrong reasons too, and we're able to admit that. I had a child from a previous relationship, and my husband and I got pregnant the same month we got married. We never had the chance to get to know each other as a married couple, without all the fussing and fighting. Right now, I feel he's only staying in the marriage because he feels obligated. He made a promise to himself that he would never leave his children. I am miserable. I don't feel like he loves me at all. I don't know whether to work things out or throw in the towel. I don't want to spend the rest of my life hoping for a love that may never be with him. I can't even imagine us surviving 10 years.

Lost72 & Trap.

I feel for both of you. My situation is similar. I know we were in love when we married, but we neglected our relationship and now were in trouble. But this site gives me hope.

I think what 2hope had to say is true about the pain being over-whelming and shadowing the love that is there. The Emotional Needs board gives a lot of good advice about rebuilding the love that "once was". Obviously something brought you and your spouse together - try building on that.
Prayers and wishes for you.

Has anyone here ever considered counseling?

Staying Strong For Me - that was exactly what I was thinking.

This reply is to all who say they married without love. 1st of all love is a choice. There are arranged marriages all the time and they make it.. They actually fall in love. Speak Blessings not curses. Stop saying I don't love my wife, or husband, Instead begin saying, I will begin to love them. Find out what you do love about them and go with that. Begin to CHOOSE to love them.
The Bible is against divorce. When you married this person, you made a convenant with them adn before God. It is not to be taken lightly, Marriage is sacred and I believe that you can fall madly in love with your spouse.
For two weeks do not say anything negative about your spouse. Say at least 3 things a day that you appriciate about your spouse. why did you start dating them in the first place? Rediscover those things.
And the VERY BEST thing to do is to pray pray pray! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />