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<small>[ November 13, 2002, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: newlywednsad ]</small>

Well, it definately seems like you haven't let go to things in the past. You married him even though he didn't ask you out on your first date. You said yes even though he didn't get down on one knee, I think you should let those things go.
If you have been married 2 and a half years, why is this lap dance thing still an issue?
Don't nag him. Let go of it and begin to build a strong marriage now.
Say to your H, "I am willing to give up all that has happened in the past, are you willing to work with me from this point on."
Then, don't bring up the past, forgive and let it be. You can't get a better husband... he is the one youpicked. Now youneed to focus on a better marriage... I think a lot of the problems lie with your unwillingness to forgive. Two years is too long to hold this in. LET GO!
Do you both serve the Lord? Lean on Him at times that you feel like bringing up the past again. Just as Christ doesn't constantly throw your mistakes in your face, you should show the same love towards your H. Should you leave... that shouldn't be an option! Remove the word Divorce from your vocabulary... Enter- RECONCILIATION!
God Bless

Hi Davesgirl -

Oh wow! Not married 2 & 1/2 years just 2 & 1/2 months. . .so it is all VERY fresh still. I sure hope in 2 years it will be long over. He hurt me badly and I guess I am not sure he'll change that why I consider leaving although you are right I should let the past be the past, but when is it too much? How can I live forever with someone who makes me so unhappy?

<< I think a lot of the problems lie with
your unwillingness to forgive>>

Perhaps, but She is also dealing with a subject that is not often discussed.
If there is not a full understanding of something, its difficult to forget about it.
Here is some facts from experience that is ment to help.

Just so people know, those night clubs are not on the minds of all guys.
The events that occur are not always something a person wants to remember.
Guys get dragged there by thier so called "friends" who think the guy will have fun.

Over ten years ago - in college - appointed driver for a friends night out, i was not told were going, little did i know of the junk that was done on those nights, as i had not been to those before - what a big mistake.

For those people that do get dragged into something like this right before their own wedding and did not know how sad it was, until it was too late, most were likely ALSO very upset, and often trapped because they were not the driver.
They do infact have the option to tell the driver to drive elsewhere, or grab a cab.

Their wife seldom hears their actual feelings AGAINST these events, so it is often assumed that they had enjoyed it, when in reality the person that was there wishes they had not been there. This unknown piece of information could be important to the wife, because if it is unclear what he is really thinking or what really happened it can be confusing. If there are details he wants to forget, he likely wants to move on. Often Alcohol can blur things so he may not actually remember things.

He may never want to talk about it,
but then again if you explain he may.

When I (we) get married if some friends try and drag me into that type of thing - i will be very upset and decline. Not all guys are interested in this, there is no reason to be -- they are about to marry the women whom they love and plan to be with for the rest of their life.

More couples need to refuse this so called tradiation, and avoid the conflicts it brings.

cim 2000 -

Thanks so much for the reply. Your FW is a lucky girl. I only wish my H had been as strong. I hate what happened. He says it was not that he wanted or did not want to go, but more like he just did not care and so knowingly went along with the evening. He says he never thought of me the whole night and assumes that's why he did the things he did. I am not understanding how he could do that, but what can I do?

I think in part it is hard because I don't know what goes on at those type of places (never been to one). Do you mind letting me in on it from a male perspective? I guess if you could give me an overview I'd appreciate it greatly. And, how attractive are the women? How sexy is the dancing? Do most men enjoy the events that happen? What is a lap dance?

I am struggling because I feel a number of issues; loss of trust, inadequacy, infidelity, disrespect, embarrassment, to name a few. How do I get over these? Why does he continue to minimize the events that took place and his reaction to them?

Lastly, I am 5'7, 125, athletis (work-out ~1hr 4-6 days a week), long blonde curly hair, brown eyes, B-cup, nice stomach, good butte, nice legs. . .can I even compare. . .and please be 100% honest.

THANKS so much!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

newlywed--

You sound very nice looking, and I am sure your H was telling the truth when he told you you were better looking than those women.

It occured to me after reading your thread on another part of the board, that I had once asked "what IS a lapdance, anyway?" and gotten some replies. I am not sure it will make you feel any better, but since you feel you really need to know, here's the thread"

What's a lapdance anyway?

IMHO, you don't need to know the "details" half as much as you need to feel reassured of your H's love and devotion to you. And, you VERY MUCH need to know that he will in the future, abide by the "Rule of Protection" (another MB concept), and protect your feelings. When my H and I married, he hurt my feelings repeatedly (over different issues), and I really wish we had read the MB stuff way back then. I saw that you've ordered His Needs/Her Needs...I hope the info will help you guys avoid some of the "rocks" we hit!!!

Kathi

newlywed, i have been married for 5 years, and you sound a lot like i've felt for my whole marriage. if you really love your husband and want a loving, healthy marriage, it's very important that your emotional needs are being met (as well as your h's). otherwise, it's going to be a long hard road. i think it would help your situation a lot if you read Dr. Harley's letter "Can A Marriage Be Saved By One Spouse" at:
spousehttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5009_qa.html

i wish i had read this 5 years ago! it took my one-night stand for my h to realize how unhappy i was, even though i had been telling him, and now i have to live with the shame and guilt of what i did for the rest of my marriage, and my husband has to live with the hurt and anger.

the Emotional Needs questionnaire and Love Busters questionnaire are at this link, and they are VERY helpful.

oops, i messed up the link, here's the right one:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5009_qa.html

kam6318 -

Thanks for the response. I know the girls had huge boobs - which is a hang up I have of myself. H says it takes a package and boobs are attached to a body and more importantly to a person, he says he picks my package. Still I hate the way I feel about him liking checking out other women with better bodies and big old implants.

BlueBonnet -

Thanks!
Read the link about the lap dances, pretty much how he discribed them - they cost $30 - hardly seems worth it, but seems so disrespectful. I don't get how her being a stripper makes it ok, if she were just a girl or if I did not - wow! What is the difference really.
I am not sure I'd ever cheat on H because I am not sure I could, but I find myself wanting to hurt him by it to show him how I feel. . .not really but you know what I mean in moments of weakness, I think what if I could show him how it feels. I think I want some attention, affection, I want to be desired. . .he will not deliver so. . .but I never would, although see how it happens.

Thanks for the reply.