Wow, I can't believe I'm at this site already. Hi, my name is Neil and I'm 23yrs. old. My wife who is 21 has been married to me since August 02. We dated for 3.5yrs. and now we are having marriage problems. The problems started about 2 weeks into the marriage. She was working two jobs and going to college at night three days a week. I was having a hard time not seeing her because she was always gone so when I did see her I wanted to talk to her about how I felt. She has had a very disfunctional upbringing so she doesn't like to express feelings because she had to much of an emotional rollercoaster in her past. We have been seeing a counselor for about 1 month now, but I'm really struggling. I think about the situation often while she keeps herself busy. She moved out of the apartment about a month and a half ago because our priest said it might help and I have been missing her ever since. She says that she loves me and misses me, but she doesn't want to move back in. She doesn't want to talk about the situation or feelings in general. It is so hard everyday just wondering if she will come back. I am wondering what to do. She doesn't like to talk about what she is doing because her mother is always checking in on her. She has just begun to address this situation with the counselor. If you can believe it, this is a brief rundown of what has been going on. I writing to find encouragement and possibly some ideas on what I need to do for her. There is no abuse of any kind and we aren't yelling at eachother. I just finished college and she is taking night classes and now working one job. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated! How long does it take to deal with these problems with a counselor? What should I do in the mean time? Thank you

<small>[ December 09, 2002, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: neil02 ]</small>

Neil, welcome to MB. So sorry that your priest recommended separation--how does he think that will help your marriage?

You need time WITH your wife--not without her. She needs you and she needs to learn to let you in--it sounds like she has to learn how to trust you. You are trustworthy but if she has had a difficult life, the adjustment to the emotional openness and honesty a healthy marriage takes might be frightening to her.

It's OK to try another counselor if you don't think this one is helping--but a month is still early, too. Perhaps you should try seeing another priest--most ministers do not recommend separating couples in trouble.

I hope wiser people than I answer your post and give you good advice.

Take care.

Hello freshstart and others, thank you for the prompt reply. It's hard to put into words what is going on, so maybe I can clarify. Our priest recommended that one of us move out to give eachother breathing room. I agree with you freshstart that I need time with my wife, but I wonder if she needs the space in order to think things through. I say this because she is busy and when I do approach her about communicating to me how she feels she says that she can't put it into words because she is not sure herself, however, she says she still loves me. I am wondering if the counselor can help her with this. It's funny because I'm the guy and the guy usually doesn't do the talking. You would think I found the perfect wife (just kidding). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We used to communicate well I believe, but your right, I think she doesn't trust me with her feelings and a lot of the times she doesn't tell me what she is doing with other people because she is afraid I'll get mad and the fact I stated earlier that she is always being checked in on by her mother. I'm trying to show her I won't get mad, but this probably will take time for her to see. She keeps herself busy so she only really thinks about the situation when we see the counselor, this is just my opinion, I'm trying to be as honest and as unbiased as I can. This site is helping me discover a new and much better approach I feel to reach out to her. That being said, I am hard on myself and always have been so I get down on myself when I upset her. I would also like to say that she is not cheating on me and I am not cheating on her. We are very religious and I pray about the situation more than once a day. About the counselor, she is doing a good job I feel, we have only seen her 5-6 times so I shouldn't expect everything to be figured out, it's just that we see the counselor once a week and it's hard when the appointment is over and we have another week before we see her again. Right now I guess you could say I really need the counselor to coach us through this. What scares me the most is that we would get a divorce because we are inexperienced with dealing with marrital issues and communication. We love eachother and I'm praying to God that I can give her many more deposits to her love bank than withdrawls. I'm just hoping that with help from God, our counselor, and this website, I can fulfill her emotional needs and stop any love busters that I am doing. To finish I would like to say that she is a tremendous woman who is very loving, honest, and patient and I think the world of her. She is very mature and even though she doesn't always talk about her feelings and thoughts she was the one to get the counselor in the first place. I love my wife and I want her back so this is why any help I can get is extremely appreciated.

Hey, Neil. It sounds like you are truly committed to recovering your marriage and to helping your wife experience emotional wholeness.

If you are pleased with your counselor, keeping seeing him/her. You are right 5 or 6 sessions is early and maybe by session 10, your wife will start to experience a breakthrough--don't leave the counselor, especially if your wife opened the door for counselling! That was a huge step for her.

I am very tired tonight--worked a long day and it's a busy week. I may not get back her till Friday so I apologize in advance for that.

Just be encouraged that you are on the right path. Your wife is very blessed to have you love her so beautifully. My H loved me through a lot of difficulties as a young bride and I'm doing much better--it took years but he stuck by me.

It's worth the journey!

Hey freshstart,

First off, thanks for responding when you did even though you had a long day. And thanks again for the heads up on the rest of your week. That really is going above and beyond for a person who doesn't even know me. I'm shocked. I am truly committed to my marriage and helping my wife experience emotional wholeness. The hangup to helping my wife experience emotional wholeness is the fact that she has to want help. Right now she keeps her mind busy and really doesn't think about how she is affecting me and her family, I believe. I'm pretty sure with time she will come around and our counselor is doing a very good job so far. I saw her Wednesday and told her about this site and I even printed off Dr. Harley's summary of his basic concepts, his guide for creating a plan of action, and his guide to picking a good counselor and gave it to her to see what she thought. I'm going to stay with this counselor for as long as it takes, I have put a lot of trust in her to help us as a couple and as individuals.

The issue I struggle with is my wife doesn't have the same state of mind as me about dealing with our marriage. I try my best each day, but I am inexperienced at dealing with marriage problems and it takes its toll on me. I'm praying to God for help and I realize God won't give me something I can't handle. That being said the future of our marriage is frightening because I feel I'm carrying my load and my spouse's load and it is heavy. I approach each day as a day to love my wife unconditionally, but that is much harder said than done. I want to be loved back at the same level as I love her. That isn't realistic or fair right now, but I just wish I knew when and if she will come around. I think back to the past and I miss it so very much. On a positive note, I am learning a lot about myself and married life even though this is the most exhaustive emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on. I'm also realizing that by staying committed this process isn't going to change in the near future and I am accepting this slowly.

Lastly, I am very interested, if you have time, to tell me a little about your experience(s). You said you are blessed to have a husband that stuck with you through the hard times. Did you think the way you do now about your husband when you were having problems? Did you think he was special? Why did it take years to get better? Were your problems much bigger than the ones I'm dealing with? And lastly, is it really worth the journey to experience this with my wife? That sounds hopeful, I'm all about hope right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I look forward to hearing from you, and others.

P.S. To top it off the counselor said possibly more than a few problems my wife is dealing with might have nothing to do with me and our marriage, talk about feeling vulnerable and helpless. The only thing I can do about this is trust in God's will, pray, love and support her and hope she will deal with these problems. Maybe "only thing I can do" is really the "only" thing I should do. Time, what a wonderful and difficult thing to embrace.

<small>[ December 12, 2002, 07:52 AM: Message edited by: neil02 ]</small>