I need some advise about a girlfriend of 5 years that has claimed to be numb and empty to our just ended relationship.

I had been working on a house renovation project for the last 3 years for our future. This project has taken twice as long as planned yet it is 6 months from being done. We have had discussions for the past 1.5 years about how she wasnt getting enought out of the relationship but for some reason I never could understand why. I was always looking to the future and forgetting about some of the key things today. It boiled down to her determining that she could not take the next step which would be marriage. We are not engaged but have talked quite a bit about it.

I did not understand that I have been neglecting certain issues. I do know know. I have been a project person with 3 old cars and the house and she feels I will always be. I have already made steps to rid my life of outside distractions the old cars but I cant do anything with the house due to the state of work.

What I need help on is how to get her to understand that I fit what she is looking for and to convice her to give it one last shot, now I know the issue and have put motions in place to fix the problem.

Past history:
We have broken up 2 other times in our relationship most for a week over issues that have been long resolved.

Any advice would help.

Hello and welcome to MB. I have been lurking lately, and don't usually post on this board, but your post has intrigued me and I would like to help. First of all make sure you've read all the Basic Concepts on this site. Get the books "His Needs Her Needs" AND "Love Busters". If you can only get one of these books, get "Love Busters".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need some advise about a girlfriend of 5 years that has claimed to be numb and empty to our just ended relationship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you say "claimed"? Why do you not take her at her word? I'm sure she knows what she is feeling right now. She is feeling numb. Is she completely numb or just in Withdrawal...well...that you can find out. I'm warning it is a long journey. more on Withdrawal

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had been working on a house renovation project for the last 3 years for our future.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How did she feel about this? What were her concerns? How did you address them?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have had discussions for the past 1.5 years about how she wasnt getting enought out of the relationship but for some reason I never could understand why.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you ask? Did you research and actively seek an answer? If so, what happened?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was always looking to the future and forgetting about some of the key things today. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does she have a problem with this? (I'm guessing so.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It boiled down to her determining that she could not take the next step which would be marriage. We are not engaged but have talked quite a bit about it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you want to marry her you need to prove that you can CONSISTENTLY meet her most important Emotional Needs (ENs) and avoid hurtful Love Busters (LBs).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did not understand that I have been neglecting certain issues.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She never complained, nagged or gave any indication that she was less than happy? I find that hard to believe. Think back on what she said during these times. They are important clues as to what you need to start doing and what you need to STOP doing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have already made steps to rid my life of outside distractions the old cars but I cant do anything with the house due to the state of work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See the Policy of Joint Agreement. Also, read up on your Giver and the Taker.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I need help on is how to get her to understand that I fit what she is looking for and to convice her to give it one last shot, now I know the issue and have put motions in place to fix the problem. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are trying to get HER to understand or do something at this point; then, there is much more you need to understand. Read this, please, because it's long and I don't have the time to rewrite it, and there is also valuable advice from many long-time members:

Important Things I've Learned on MB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have broken up 2 other times in our relationship most for a week over issues that have been long resolved.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does SHE consider them resolved? If you answer yes, are you willing to stake all chances of getting back with her on it? If the answer to either questions is no, keep it in mind. Even if she considers them resolved, she may have resentment that needs to be dealt with.

Things that need to be understood:

1.) You cannot make someone else (including your ex) do anything. If you try and succeed(Selfish Demand)they will resent you for it. (LB!!!)

2.) Love is NOT unconditional. If you want to be loved; then, you need to be LOVABLE.

3.) You cannot change your spouse/significant other. They have to want to change themselves. You can only work on you.

Look into Plan A. Identify her top 5 ENs, your top 5 LBs. Work on meeting her ENs and eliminating your LBs. You may have to make educated guesses on her ENs.

Good luck.

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Thanks for the discussion. I will try to answer the questions the best I can.

Claimed:
I believe that she does not feel close to me. However prior to this discussion we had just had five weeks of no issues and quite a lot of fun. I know she has withdrawn quite a bit over the last year or so. So it was an off an on thing.

House Renovation:
She is quite proud of the house but never interested much to help. She did wish that some days I would not work on it and those days I usually didnt. The only issues that popped up were when I hadnt worked on it for a week since I was spending time with her and I told her I would not be able to do something because I needed to get back to working on the house. Most of the time there were no spoken issues but they must have been retained inside.

Getting enough out of the relationship:
She at times had mentioned that she wasnt happy with the way we were but never put a finger on the issue. I was always asking what I could do but there seemed to be a issue with communication on some level in both of us about the exact issues. The other issue was that I was not as aggressive in the passion department. I tried but I would be tired from a full work day then 4 hours of work on the house.

Future vs today
She is a today girl. I am a planner for the future. We have both had some obsticals to overcome. I had the house and she had some financial issues that required a second job for a period of time. We did do lots of traveling and other items though. The main thing that I let get away were some of the fun things that she enjoyed at the beginning of our relationship due to the fact that I was to concerned about the future.

Neglecting:
As I mentioned she felt at times that she was not happy with the relationship. I know she wanted to feel wanted and needed. I would try to let her know that was the case but I am not sure if it was communicated properly.

Understanding:
I am trying to get her to understand that I see what the issue is. I would like for her to have an open mind about the chance of picking up the relationship.

Breaking up:
The issues that caused a break-up are complete misunderstandings. We have talked about these in the past extensively. If they are not resolved they have never been brought up by her again.

Thanks I will be re-reading all the info that you linked and moving to the Plan A. I would like for her to run through this excercise if she is willing. Would you recommend that or should I work on it solo at first as to not push my luck.

I know she feels that our relationship at times is difficult for her. Due to this and some of her needs not being met she feels that there might be a better match out there for her. I think she feels obligated to try and search such person out knowing that there may not be any better match that comes her way.

I would like to give you some advice.

Firstly, you cannot overide her heartfelt decisions.If she wants a breakup. That is what she wants. If she thinks there is someone else out there for her. That is what she thinks. After five years of knowing you, perhaps she has decicded she wants someone else. As hard as it may be, Let her go, drop it and move on.

If you donot Let her go, drop it and move on, you are hurting yourself, like lying on the floor, you do not want to do this.

You donot belong to her. She doesnot belong to you. I say this in the nicest possible way. If you were to stay with her, her heart would be looking and longing, yearning for someone else. This is far below what God wants for you.You donot want this. Terminate all ties with her.

Pray to God for wisdom for your next relationship, and in the meantime for God to teach and prepare you for the next one so that you won't have to go through this again. I myself hate the rat-race and the merry-go-round.The process of eliminations in relationships are full of terror, fear and anxiety. God is opposite this he is peace, abundance, freedom, joy, love.

He will give you someone beautiful, compaitable, spirit, soul, body and personality. Yes, I said beautiful, more than the one now. It I know may sound hard to believe, but with God it is definately possible.Get out of the rat-race and wait on God.

God wants you to prosper and be in good health even as your soul prospers.

God bless

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: susiechooo ]</small>