Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#329486 01/26/03 03:16 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 2
J
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 2
After seven years of dating, I was married 5 months ago to the love of my life. My H is a wonderful person. He is unselfish, responsible, caring, giving, all the qualities I looked for in a husband. During our year and a half long engagement, I expressed to him my fears of getting married. Several of our friends have divorced and my parents had a relationship that was neither loving or healthy. He also knew that I did not take marriage lightly, that I wanted it to be forever and that I do not believe in divorce. He reassured me the entire time. Two nights ago, he came home and told me he loved me as a friend but didn't think he loved me as a wife. He thought he might want a divorce. I was stunned. We get along fabulous. We have a great deal in common, we go out and have fun together all the time, we have the same goals and dreams and our love life is wonderful. We have discussed this for the past two days and now he believes he would like to try and work this out with me. I think we both need to go to counciling. I am not sure if he would go. I think I need to give him time and space to sort this out. I love my husband very much and do not want to lose him. I will do whatever I need to in order to make this marriage work. I would appreciate any advise you could offer me as I am so confused that I do not know what I can do to make this better, Thank you.

Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 416
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 416
Jepe,

Welcome. You've come to the right place and I hope you have taken the time to read through the site starting from the homepage.

What your H has said to you is very hurtful and confusing. Most of us here totally relate to your pain and the sudden shock.

I too have seen friends, family, my parents and myself divorce. Getting married again was a huge leap of faith for me too. The faith though is in myself now. You believe marriage is forever, don't believe in divorce - hang on to your values regardless of what your H does.

Nobody here can explain your H's words better than himself so it's good that you are talking. I do think some counseling as soon as possible would help you both sort through his feelings. PLEASE, check out the phone counseling available through this web site. Do it alone if you have to.

Giving him time to sort his thoughts is also a good idea. Discuss when he wants to and don't push or make him feel pressured at this point. Giving him space - if that means separation - I'd say hold off. Things do not get resolved by moving further apart in most cases.

You have a long term relationship and short term marriage so don't allow the length of marriage be any type of determining factor. Seven years is very significant.

Perhaps he expected some drastic change would come with being married and it didn't happen? And, as always you need to make sure you know where he is. Check email, cell phone, time away from home, etc. I hate to even put it out here to you but you need to make sure he is not involved with someone else.

Also, check out the Emotional Needs Forum. Lots more people and activity.

Take Care and continue posting.

IS

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 2
J
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 2
Thank you so very much for your response. Your support and advice are really helping me. We talked again last night and he decided he wanted to try to work it out. I asked him what changed his mind and he said when he actually thought about us splitting up, he got a huge empty feeling inside. He said he realized everything he would be losing. This has given me tremendous hope. I think he is under a great deal of pressure right now. He owns his own business and that can be extremely stressful. We are building our own house, which has an upcoming deadline, along with the added financial pressure. His dad's health isn't the best right now. I am losing my job in 10 months. Our wedding was a bit stressful too. I am not trying to make excuses for his behavior. I am just trying to understand where he is coming from. This is definitely something I never thought I would be dealing with, especially not at my age nor with the length of our marriage. My plate is pretty full right now. It's frightening how your life can get so upset in such a short period of time. I think the best thing for me to do right now is to give him time and space (together) to think his feelings and emotions through. I am going to work on some things I know I could be doing better in our marriage. However I do not intend to alter my personality nor do I want to be a door mat. In a few week I want to sit down with him again and see what progress has been made. Then I think we need to go to counciling. I know I do. I am emotionally scarred. I just hope we can get our relationship back to the way it used to be. I am praying and working hard for that.

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 5,651
*
Member
Offline
Member
*
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 5,651
Be aware that one person can think a marriage is going fine (b/c their ENs are met) and the other person can think it's on the rocks (b/c their ENs are not met).

I think you need to get into a Plan A where you meet his ENs (Emotional Needs), avoid your LBs (Love Busters), and work to get your marriage in a state of intimacy, or pretty close to it. Plan A is NOT about finding out about your spouse's ENs and forcing yourself on them in an effort to meet them. Lack of pressure is a key ingredient to Plan A.

Contrary to popular belief, Plan A is not about being a doormat. Radical Honesty and the POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) are part of it, too. You learn to accomplish these things while avoiding LBs. Plan A is also not a lifestyle. It is a tool to return intimacy to your marriage, so that you can increase your chances of successfully negotiating a commitment to the M and your ENs.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 486
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 486
Re: "Contrary to popular belief, Plan A is not about being a doormat."

Not true, according to Steve. Feeling like a doormat ia a sign of a "successful" plan A.

Sounds healthy, huh.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 99 guests, and 69 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Qwerty1234, Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY
71,738 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,738
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5