I've only been married for 6 months and am already thinking I might have made a big mistake. Been with boyfriend for 10 years before getting married. 6 months before the marriage we had a big crisis. Background: we had a long distance / weekend relationship for 5 years. 6 months before the wedding he finally gets two job offers (was a student before): one in the town where I live, and one somewhere else. Which one does he choose???? The offer in the other town. Both offers were virtually the same in terms of money, job description, etc.

Anyway, the crisis began after this decision was made. It hurt me a lot. Somehow we manage to 'pull' ourselves through it. I doubted the entire relationship, my love for him, whether we really should even be together, etc. the whole time. I worked through it, and somehow decided to get married still. We did, and had a great honeymoon too. (the wedding was pretty stressful though..)
Oh, and he actually found another job in the town where I live and moved here in September (he realized that he made a mistake by taking that other job and finally immediately startin looking again here where I live. Luckily it worked out well). Since then, things have been fine.

Well.... ok to get back to my issue... I just am still doubting whether we are right for each other. My EN's are: conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness and sexual fulfillment. His main EN is affection. He basically only has that one (as a main important EN). Anyway, we filled out that questionnaire, discussed how each of us could fulfill the other's needs, etc. I don't know, but he really has tried (as I have): he now goes to the fitness center regularly (he has always said he has no interests or hobbies. He's also said many times before that he has no long-term goals, dreams or visions), finding things he likes to do. He's trying to find things that he likes to do. I have lots of hobbies and for example one of them is going to art museums. He goes with me, and actually enjoys it too. He is even going to a therapist because he has realized that he has big issues dealing with conflict (so big that he is incapable of telling me what his opinion on things are).. He cannot hold a conversation - everytime I talk to him (about anything..) I don't even get a "Uhuh" back.. It's like talking to a wall. I don't even get any sort of confirmation that he has even HEARD me, let alone LISTENED to me.
I am a very creative, artistic and philosophical person. He is absolutely not.
We don't have sex. We only have it when I initiate it. And I am tired of doing that. So, we have sex about 1-2 times every 2-3 months. And of course, practice makes perfect, so obviously, there is no real 'connection' when we do have sex... thus, the sex is just 'ok'. He has until last night, refused to initiate sex and give me what I need (foreplay, candles, music, etc.), even though I've explained this to him... His answer to it is: I guess I didn't think about it. (lastnight he tried because I again initiated.. I couldn't take it any longer... I would've jumped the mailman otherwise).

So, anyway, I feel really lonely, and am starting to feel tempted by practically every man that walks by me. I am starting to think about one of my ex-boyfriends (my H and I broke up a few times in those 5 long-distance years). This other guy is my soul mate. We both have felt that every since we met each other. I don't want to - and won't - contact him, because I know that that would just tempt me more and make things worse. We don't live in the same town (actually not even in the same country) so that's safe. We do email each other, but ever since I've been feeling weak in my marriage I have cut contact with him.

But my conflict is, whether I made a big mistake. Am I going to have to hang in there even though I feel like I married a 'friend' and not my soul mate??? I don't feel much attraction to him anymore. I don't feel much respect for him either. I feel like I'm crazy and maybe just not mature enough for marriage (even though I'm 30!!)...HELP! I feel like running away, getting out of this thing.

Sorry for the long message, but please, any advice would really help!!!

Thanks.

(PS - we don't have kids... I would like kids someday but will definitely not have them if this doesn't get better.)

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cumlee

Last time I gave you advice it was to delay getting married. I'm sorry that you now find yourself in this situation.

I was in that situation THREE months after getting married. Bottom line is that all these types of things should be straightened out before the marriage. Now you've learned that the way that I have, and it stinks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am a very creative, artistic and philosophical person. He is absolutely not.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does this have to do with the price of tea in China? (in other words, have to do with anything) You do not have to be the same or similar in these areas to have a successful marriage. That's not what makes a successful marriage.

What does a successful marriage look like to you? How would you know your "soul-mate"? Was there ever a time when you thought your H was your soul-mate? Do you want your marriage to work?

Think about these things, give me the answer, and then I will try my best to help you.

Hi Takola,

I do want it to work - I want to be happy and fulfilled. And I certainly do not wish upon myself to become a divorcee.

Was there a time that I saw my H as my soulmate??? Hmmmm. Yeah, I guess, sort of. But, that was back in the beginning of our relationship until about 3-4 years later. I was 20 and he was 19 when we began our relationship. Then, I was hopelessly in love, and we were together 24-7 . I don't mean just in the very beginning - I mean the 3-4 years after that. Everyone said we were meant for each other. That's the way I felt too. But, I don't think that back then I really thought about 'soul mates', so I can't say that I really thought that directly..

What changed?... Well, about the 4th or 5th year, I started my first job at a management consultancy. That means, I moved to a different town, and was travelling 4-5 days a week. That's when our weekend relationship started. He was still in school because he 1) failed his last year of highschool, and 2) failed out of his first college! The failing out of college thing and having to basically start over was a huge issue for him (I didn't give him any pressure, and was very supportive of him). But, he took it very hard, and every since then he's changed. He's different. I met him as a very spontaneous, funny and self confident person. And then after that whole thing, he was always serious, very uptight, insecure, etc. (I can certainly understand his feelings about failing out of college, having his girlfriend be this successful business woman, always around male colleagues, traveling the world, etc., but his personality change didn't help the relationship).

Now, while I'm writing this, let me just make it clear that all this insight, is in hinsight!

So, anyway, after that, he started at a different university which was really far from where I was. And we both now admit that we didn't put enough effort into our relationship (we would sometimes just not even see each other on the weekends because it was too much trouble to travel!). So, that's sort of where it all started. I'd say, it was a combination of (1) us being in two different places in our lives: me working and him in school, (2) us just being apart all the time, (3) us not putting enough effort into the relationship, and (4) both of us being pretty aweful at communicating.

The fourth point, I actually realized while doing therapy during the time before my wedding. I realized that we were both not on the same wavelength because we weren't communicating our needs. I wasn't even able to identify those needs because I was so used to ignoring them or putting them down. I learned that I have 2 'voices': the authoritative, scolding voice, and the nurturing voice. The nurturing voice in me is almost non-existent. I'm building it up though now!
We've both made a lot of progress in that area. Both of us. We're pretty much now on the same wavelength and at least getting better at expressing our needs to each other, being open about our feelings with each other, etc.

Like I said, he's going to his first therapy session tonight. I'm going to do therapy too (or start again), but I want to make sure we can afford us both doing it.
As far as you said, Takola, about not needing to be the same (creative vs. not), I guess I agree to you. But, what if those difference hinder me getting my EN's fulfilled? For example, if I love to sit there and talk and talk about philosophical things, think creatively about life, love, etc., and he absolutely cannot bring himself to talk about things like that. And I have a great need for conversation - in particularly, conversation which is quite deep - then, how do I get that need fulfilled if he is just not able to do it (he certainly wants to, but he's just not that way)? If I don't have any girlfriends who are like that, and I certainly don't want to go find a guy to fulfill my need, then how to I deal with that? Do you understand what I mean? I am a beginner at marriage, and actually feel like a beginner at relationships! I don't know yet how to deal with that stuff.

I love him, and I do want it to work out. It sure is hard work though. Is it like this for every married couple, I wonder?

Takola,
I forgot one question of yours: What is a successful marriage to me?

To me a great marriage is the following:
- I respect my husband, look up to him for the things he can do well.
- We are both completely open with each other
- We are a team
- We have a couple of common interests (doesn't have to be everything, but at least a few)
- We have good sex often!
- I find my husband good-looking/attractive (vice-versa)
- He respects and supports me
- We can laugh together a lot
- We can sit there and have good conversations

etc. etc.

A successful marriage is one, where both people feel like they only get better when the other one is by their side. Where, both people feel get their EN's fufilled. Where both people feel like they can grow and develop as individuals, while growing as a couple too.

Maybe I'm asking too much... I don't know. I still feel that I and my H can do that. I just see so many married women who constantly nag about their husbands. Women who - although they say they are happy - still say they have nothing in common with their husband except for their children. I personally find that sad. That's perfectly fine if those people are happy. But, to me that is not a fulfilling relationship. I would be unhappy that way. I think I have very high expectations and I definitely am trying to work on them, to fulfill them. But sometimes I do ask myself: maybe I just need to accept that no relationship is like that. I realize that there will always be days where you're not happy. That's normal. And I realize that nothing or nobody's perfect. But, shouldn't the relationship that you're in forever (until death do us part) be the one relationship that is extremely fulfilling??? Or else, why get married??

I know I'm babbling...

Contrary to what some people say, it is obvious that marriage changes people. I imagine that it has mostly to do with what expectations we bring to the marriage, and whether or not these expectations are adequately communicated before the marriage takes place.

Often, our expectations of marriage are based on what we saw with our own parents growing up. No matter how hard we try not to be our mothers or fathers, we will invariably resort to whatever behavior was role-modeled for us, especially under stress. Life will bring lots of stress, so hold on!

Probably the best advice I have received as to these issues, is that we must actively love before we can feel loved. Basically, if we lead with care and love, it is reciprocated. Our natural selfishness prevents this from happening a lot. We focus on we want, and forget that marriage often means doing things that make our spouses happy. When they're happy, we also tend to become happy, too.

Many men are responsible for the emotional nurturing before marriage, pulling out the stops during dating, and then slack off or back off completely once the deal is done. Mistakenly, we just don't think we need to date our wives once we're married. There's an old joke about dancing even: "Once a man gets married, his feet stop moving."

It's one of the expectations that many men have. After the wedding, we expect that our wives will take care of us, forgetting that the responsibility to care, nurture and protect is our responsibility. It won't work to well if each spouse is only concerned about his/her personal happiness, and doesn't care if the other one is happy or not. If they're not happy, neither are you.

You may wish to initiate a conversation about relationship counseling, so that both of you can communicate better. Your story is so common -- everything is pretty good before marriage -- and then the expectations spoil the reality.

Also, when things start to break down, we often only see the flaws in our spouse, and completely overlook our own flaws. It is always worthwhile to do some honest introspection. If you can visualize some of your conversation with your H, perhaps you will see some areas that you can improve. That tends to be a productive step.

Another relationship book, Divorce Busting, by Michelle Weiner-Davis, suggests that our personal attitudes affect our happiness. If we look at the negative aspects of any relationship, generally framed by our own selfish needs, we will be unhappy. If we can focus on the positive aspects, living in the present and being future minded, we can be happy. It's all a question of perspective. It's likely that neither of you changed much over the last 10 years -- just the dynamic changed.

The spousal traits that bug us today were always present -- we just had blinders on. We didn't really choose the wrong mate, we have merely placed too much emphasis on our own happiness, without trying to make our spouses happy. It's an easy trap to fall into.

If you haven't done so already, you may want to review this site's material on Emotional Needs and Love Busting, and see where those tenets apply to your marriage for both you.

I'll pray for you.

God Bless!

Awake,

thank you so much for your response. It seems so wise. You seem to me more of a marriage counsellor than a police man. :-) Things seemed to have improved over the last week with us. Maybe a little background might help too: my parents are divorced. They divorced after 28 years of marriage when I was about 20. (see a pattern...right when I met my H) Also, my H's parents are still together, but, we both say that they don't have the kind of relationship we want. Anyway.
Moreover, my H and I had a weekend relationship for 5 years, all the way up to AFTER the honeymoon! So, we were also used to a different kind of relationship before the marriage. And I am starting to think that I just need to learn that sometimes I have needs that I need to communicate and sometimes my H has needs that are not getting met. I've notice, as soon as I feel a little bit dissatisfied (whether it's about sexual fullfillment, or conversation, or openness, or whatever), I automatically make it a crisis in my own head. In other words, I start questioning the whole thing. I don't know why I do that, but i've noticed it.

Anyway. You're advice seems wise to me. I'm going to try it.

Thank you ! I'll pray for you too that your W and you work things out.