I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years 1.5 years ago after easily deciding that this was the woman I wanted to spend my life with. At the time, I was finishing up school with plans for pilot training in the Air Force shortly after. She was a junior at the same school as I, with no immediate job plans following college.
She eagerly (sp?)accepted my offer and we decided that we would set no date for the marraige yet, as so much of our future was unknown (I should say, so much of her future was unknown... I knew exactly what I was going to do). I graduated from college and went to pilot training just as was planned. Our long distance relationship was great. We talked every night on the phone and would see each other as often as possible.

Of course, this story has a twist. Months later, amidst all the increasingly vague wedding plans grew what seems to me to be the root problem of our relationship and hence spawning of this topic. Those of you familiar with the military lifestyle know that it is often hard for spouses to find real jobs (especially one in an extremely focused degree field) knowing that you'll only be there for 3 years. Immediately before graduating, she took a job that was going to be FAR away from me, and suggested that she would be in that job for an indefinite time. I fully supported her decision, as I knew that pilot training was hard on married folks, especially the typically newlywed couples straight out of college. Although it hurt to know that the day we would be together was now at best a year or so off, I told her that she should do it less she regret it years down the road. Our long distance relationship now consisted (and still does) of visits only every 6 weeks or so, usually only over a long weekend.

Eight months later, I fear that we are growing apart more and more. Still with no date to marry (as this is a subject that I will not bring up if I want to stay out of trouble), I find myself wondering if she actually has any real plans to wed. I've been telling myself for years that I can't wait to marry her, now I wonder if I should break it off. I honestly can't say whether or not I want to marry anymore. I feel like I've been led on up to this point,... and I keep waiting, tensely for the punch in the dark I fear is coming.

And that, is my life story. I have thought about giving her an ultimatum, but to what avail? Marry me by April or else?... She see's a counseler now about her committment to either a) her job (which she tells me she hates and as I said, she will not be able to do at every hick town near and Air Force Base)or b) me. As of now, she has no plans of leaving her job and/or location nor of changing careers to one she is happier with (not to mention more portable). Also as of now, I could be deployed somewhere overseas in as little as 1 year.

At one time the choice was so clear to her and I. I used to joke every time we'd say goodbye that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I've learned that it's true, but like everything in life, it has its limits. I guess what's more frustrating is that I don't know if I'm at my limit, or if I passed it a year ago.

Drop me a line! Take a stab at what I should do!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She see's a counseler now about her committment to either a) her job (which she tells me she hates and as I said, she will not be able to do at every hick town near and Air Force Base)or b) me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is one she has to figure out for herself. I don't think giving her an ultimatum is a good idea...even if it makes her marry you, if she is not fully committed in her heart, she will resent you for it later. I think your question of how long you are willing to wait is a god question for YOU, but not to be used as an ultimatum.

How long has she been going to counseling? If she has started recently, I would give it a couple of months. OTOH, if she has been going for a year, I think I would decide the commitment is just not to be found and move on.

Kathi

Her job or you? What about your decision to be in the military that you admit all but eliminates her ability to get a job in her chosen field? I see no questioning of that. Right now (the way your post sounds) if she marries you, she has no choice but to accept the military. Maybe she doesn't want to do that. If her career can come under the possibility of changing, so can yours. Obviously, you can't just hop in and out of the military, but this needs to be open for discussion.

If I was told I had to choose my H or my career, but his job wasn't even on the debating table, I probably wouldn't have been in any great hurry to rush to the alter, either.

Just something to think about.

Yeah, it'd be nice if I could change my job... I don't have that option. I'm in for ten reguardless. SO, no, I don't have a choice like civilians. Nice catch though...

I'm in a similar situation as your fiance is. My boyfriend is also in the military. we are not engaged, but we plan to get married someday. His comittment is up in a couple years, as long as he doesn't decide to recommit.

ANyways, my advice to you is to realize how restrictive your career choice is to her, and allow her the same freedom that she is allowing you. In a lot of senses, the military comes before she does. You could leave at any moment for a long time, and she'll have no say about it. She gets no say in where you live. She gets no say in how much time you spend together. She's already sacrificing a great deal for you - and on top of that, as you know, being in a long distance relationship is really tough! She's made a comittment to you; she wants to be with you. Sacrifice some for her, too. It sucks that she isn't living with you, but as you said, she'd be giving up even more if she did. (Hick town, no jobs).
Your job is your life, but you're not willing to allow her to feel the same way about hers. Also, keep in mind that her having a life outside of being with you will probably make it easier for her to cope when you do get deployed. She'll have other things going on, friends, a job...stability. If she gives it all up for you, and you leave, what does she have?

I don't know if this helps you or not. Personally, I feel like its unfair to marry someone while you're in as consuming a job as a military career, and I won't marry my bf until I know he's out. I told him, if I'm his wife, I want to be put first in his life, and while he's in the military, he can't do that. The job thing is another thing holding me back -- I simply could not have a cool job in Hicktown where he's at, and I don't feel like I relate to the sort of people around those areas either. SO I'd be bored and lonely...and when he left, I would have nothing.

So I wouldn't give her an ultimatum, because it may make her feel pressured and unappreciated. She's giving you a lot. Give her some, too. And maybe consider waiting to get married until you're out.

Well put. Hopefully we can work this out before my commitment is up...reference previous reply about 10 years (whether I like it or not). It seems though that most people not familiar with the military lifestyle assume that the job is "your life." We do not like visiting the desert short notice for months at a time, or any other place away from home. I do not live for my job, nor do any of my brothers and sisters that I'll soon fight alongside. I live for those people and for her (and one day my family). I would die for the same said people. I love my job, don't get me wrong... But the difference is I do NOT require my job to be "happy." I want kids and a family more than anything (assignment, plane, money...whatever).
I do not see my commitment to the Air Force and my country (no, not my job) as a selfish decision to force "Jane" into the kitchen wherever I'm stationed. Because I made the decision to serve does this mean that I should spend the rest of my career alone in waiting for the chance to wed someday when it's convenient to both parties? Yes, it really bothers me that the job opportunities for family members of active duty military are so limited...chock another sacrifice military members make every day up on the board. But what is the alternative? Quit my job and follow her? Not in any way is it an option (not, that is, without spending a few years in a military prison). I sincerely appreciate your reply...it's nice to hear differing perspectives.

I guess I'm in a different situation then, because my boyfiend isn't in it for his country or his "brothers." He's wanted to be a solider for his whole life, and he doesn't really care whether its for the US or for France. So maybe I'm coming from a different place than your girlfriend is. Maybe I should put it different for you, then. Your job determines your life, and you chose that job, so in that way your job is your life. I didn't mean to suggest that you want to put her in the kitchen and keep her from working. But, that is what will happen if she moves up there with you now. 10 years is a long time to be apart, though. Maybe you can wait until you're stationed somewhere closer to a major city to live together, or to a major point of her industry in general. Above all, be patient with her, and wait for her to bring up moving in - even if that means waiting til you are stationed somewhere better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my boyfiend isn't in it for his country or his "brothers." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure where to begin here (almost speechless)...except to hope your boyfriend finds that the army really is like playing GI Joe and watching Blackhawk Down. What exactly does he plan on dying for? France?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He's wanted to be a solider for his whole life, and he doesn't really care whether its for the US or for France</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry to get off subject here, ....This is supposed to be about relationships and all, but I would be scared to fight with anyone sharing said quoted views. If these are indeed your BFs views on career (my God, especially the military), do you believe he's mature enough to marry? If instead, these are simply your assumptions of his motivations - and you believe that's what the military is about, Amazon.com sells an extensive line of remarkable military history/philosophy books.

You know most AirForce bases aren't in the middle of no where but then its the luck of the draw. Good luck but don't let the military life influence you on ur decision not to marry her if you feel she's the one for you. I know how much fun new pilots have.