My fiance and I have been dating for a little less than a year, although I had quite a crush on him in college. He works in a field that requires quite a bit of over seas travel. Months ago as our relationship started to get serious, he quit his job to explore a relationship with me. We have had an amazing time together and I could'nt ask for a more fullfilling relationship. He is in every way my best friend and I feel very blessed to have him in my life.
This man has been loving, affectionate, sensitive and fun among many other things. We have had the relationship that I have dreamed of.

We decided to move in together at the end of last summer. Which was a big step for him considering he was an only child and had never had a roomate. After I had moved in he was very nervous about the decision that he had made and felt that it may have been wrong. He admitted that he wasn't 100% positive that I was the one for him. After some discussion we agreed to give it a shot. Living together has worked out much better than even I had imagined. We have learned to deal with each others litte quirks and need for space. We have enjoyed every day together without arguement.

Shortly after moving in together he told me that he was positive that I was the one for him and that he couldn't wait to get engaged. We discussed marriage, our reservations and fears and a time table.

At the end of last year I found out that I was pregnant. It seemed that I had a much harder time accepting the changes that life had in store than he did. His immediate reaction was that he wanted to get engaged right away and begin planning a wedding before the baby was born. Which was what I wanted also, I knew regardless of the situation that he was the one for me. A few months later I found out that I lost the baby. We both had a very hard time and decided to push the wedding plans back a few months.

My fiance had been extremely supportive of me during this hard time and things have returned to normal for us as a couple. He's expressed to me several times how excited he is about the wedding and has been very involved in the planning.

He had a great job offer extended to him rotating over seas and we decided together that it would be the best decision. I would wait back home for him until he was stable enough in one location to have me move. And we planned to travel the world on his days off. After accepting this position he found out that he would be out of the country until just before our wedding, which leaves us apart for 3 months. I wasn't excited, but we did it before and I knew when I met him that that was what life would be like.

Everyone in our lives (including my parents) have commented on what a good match we are and how happy we seem to be. We communicate very well and have agreed for a long time with everyone elses opinion.

Just before he left to start his new job I had notice him becoming increasingly moody and frustrated. And this from someone whom I've argued with maybe once or twice. A couple of days before he was scheduled to leave I confronted him to talk to me about his attitude. He vented on me that night for what felt like forever. He told me that he didn't know if he really loved me and that he felt that marriage might be a mistake. He thought that he should feel different about the person that he was marrying. He viewed me as his best friend and he thought that it should feel like a hot crazy passionate romance. He told me that he didn't feel the same lust for me that he had before and that he only gets glimpses of feeling very attracted to me. He knows that I'm attractive and he feels proud to have me at his side, he doesn't know if he's attracted to me. I didn't get upset with him or yell, I simply talked to him and tried to dig into why he felt this way. He really didn't have much to say to back up his feelings and didn't really know how he felt.

The next morning was my wedding dress fitting with his mother and I woke up early very nervous about what I should do. I didn't want to marry someone who didn't want to be with me, although I found it very hard to believe that those were his true feelings. I sat there eating breakfast thinking about what I should do. He got up pretty early also and told me he was going to shower and after his shower wanted to talk to me. When he got out he told me that he was very stressed out about leaving me and he didn't mean anything that he said. He was just nervous about taking the step and everything else going on in his life.

The next couple of days before he left were pretty normal. We went out and had a good time and spent some romantic time together. I just felt a little nervous, hurt and confussed.

The morning he left we both cried a little. He's been away about a month now and I miss him very much. He calls me a few times a week and send lots of email. I received a beautiful arrangement with a very special card on Valentine's day and a few calls about how madly in love he is with me and how he can't wait to marry me.

The problem with all of this is that I just can't forget the things that he said to me. I've felt insecure about what his true feelings may be and I feel scared that I may be marrying a man who may not truely love me as much as I love him. Of course I've asked the opinion of people close to me in my life. And they feel that he said things our of stress and because he was scared to leave me. Should I figure out how to get past this, or am I making a mistake? Am I over reacting like everyone in my life tells me?

<small>[ February 22, 2003, 09:04 AM: Message edited by: kiragggg ]</small>

Well, your emotions are normal..

the way I see it is, you still have a couple months before you get married, so take the time to
think about everything..and ask him to do the same..

it's not the end of the world if you break an engagement--and more heart wrenching when you go through a divorce..

his emotions are ALSO normal..the passion doesn't always stay in a marriage--

What does he expect marriage life to be like?
Does he expect the passion will always be felt the way it was in your dating years??

If so he's in for a big disappointment--maybe
he should talk to some of his married men friends
and ask them what the realities of marriage are..
how things change over time, is there anything they wish they knew before they got married that would have prepared them more?

And you may want to do the same thing..ask both men and women you know who are married..what were
some of their expectations before marriage, and what are the realities--yes, every marriage is different, but if you go into looking more at the realities of it all it may be a little easier--

What is it you expect from your marriage?

What do you expect from him as a husband?

What does he expect your role to be as a wife?

When you have children, do you expect to stay home? does he expect you to stay home?

How many children do you want? How many does he want? How do you think having children will change
your lives? especially with plans to travel while overseas--

And how will having children effect your ability to join him on some of his extended stays overseas?

You may want to post a message to Starfish about what it's like being married to man whose job requires much travel overseas, and what it's like
having children in this situation..(you can post to her on EN section of the board-- that is where she posts a lot)

Look at the realities of what it's like, and talk about it, ask him to also talk to married men within his field about the same types of things
and how it effects their marriages, and home lives..

You'll never know for sure what it will be like,
until you've been through it, but you may gain a better understanding of what to expect..

<small>[ February 22, 2003, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Hello. I read your posting and wanted to reply. I don't know if I really have advice for you or can really help you but wanted to give you something to think about.

The situation you described and the way you described it really struck a chord with me. I am in a somewhat similar situation except that I am married and my husband recently told me he's not sure he is still in love with me and is not sure if he ever really was. We have been married for 9 1/2 years and dated for 5 years before that. This news came as quite a shock for me. I have had a couple of weeks to think about it now and wanted to share some of my thoughts with you for you (and your fiancee) to think about. I have felt so many mixed emotions these past two weeks but perhaps more than anything I have felt very hurt and confused about him. How could he just be pretending for the past 14 years? And how come it took him so long to tell me? He says he had doubts right after we were married but didn't want to hurt me. I can tell you that hearing it now, has hurt me very deeply and it would have been better to tell me before we were married and had children. If your fiancee has told you his thoughts/feelings I think you and he definitely need to further examine them before proceeding with marriage. Let me tell you if he truly has feelings of doubt or is questioning his love for you now, those feelings will not magically disappear once you are married. It is true he was probably feeling stressed out and sad about leaving you, but still he shared these thoughts with you and that means something. In my situation I am not sure what will happen but I too have had a very difficult time forgetting what he said and have had a difficult time knowing what to do now.

So, anyway, tell him you and he really need to further discuss his issues, maybe seek professional guidance, and make a good decision about the rest of your lives.

Hope it all works out for the best.

kiraggggg,

I wouldn't worry too much. I think this is more of your fiance not being honest with himself. Sometimes we (especially men) project our fear and doubts about ourselves onto our R's and SO's.

My XW and I said some of the same things to each other before our D only to find that we really did still love other.

Wanting to Keep Hope:

No offense but I put you in the category for misery loves company. You can't really know their situation and expect yours to have a correlation.

My suggestion to both of you is to keep communicating, don't close any doors and don't be afraid to take time. A wedding can wait and a divorce should be the last option. I consider divorce and euthanasia synonyms.