Please help as I am in desperate need of some support right now.

I’ve been with my Fiance for 8 months total (he proposed 3 months ago). It will be my first marriage, his second. I’m 30, he’s 45. We’re both professionals, Christians and live in the same city (this is not a long distance situation) and we are very much alike in many ways. We had a very rocky couple of months recently and have been arguing a lot. Because of a situation he created, I have some trust issues (he didn’t cheat on me but didn’t exactly clean up unresolved issues with his longtime ex before proposing to me. He did it after the proposal and that created some problems between us, in addition to the fact that he compared me to her, became emotionally distant during that few months while he was “getting over it”, and hurt me in the way he handled this. We have since discussed it, I told him how he hurt me and he apologized. I let him know that I am still healing from that but he gets impatient when he hears that and then we have arguments. He says that he doesn’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t trust him. Okay, I understand that and so I’m working on forgiving him and trusting again but that is a difficult thing to do right away. I explain to him that it would be good for us if he works on his impatience and short-tempered nature since that makes it difficult for me to enjoy being around him all the time.

I told him that I really think we need some space apart (for at least a few weeks). At first, he did not like the idea but now (as of this past weekend) he said that he thinks it would be a good idea. He says that he originally believed that God brought us together and that I am the right woman for him but he just doesn’t know now. The reason he states is (a) because he has to know I trust him and now (b) the latest is he says that because we’re so much alike in many ways, that our personalities rub each other the wrong way (apparently he sees in me attributes in himself that he doesn’t like) and so now he does not know if that means we can survive the long-term together. He raises a valid point but I am just not sure. I mean, I would expect him to be the stronger one since his actions and lack of judgment created the situation that let me to have trust issues. But now the personality thing is something different and I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t know if he is trying to say that I am not the right woman for him or just making an innocent observation. I’ve given him many outs and if he wanted out, he could have let me walk away. He loves me and I love him but I just don’t know if all of this arguing has skewed our perception about things that we once thought were wonderful (e.g., our shared traits, etc.).

We have separated for 2 weeks (not to see other people but just to have some time apart). However, now, I’m strongly considering taking a month of separation and then breaking off the engagement from him. I just don’t know what to think right now. I am younger with a lot to offer and I don’t want to settle for a man who isn’t quite sure if I am the right woman for him. He hasn’t said that but is his waffling a major red flag, or a normal human reaction (as I am having) to some of what we’ve been going through? I don’t want to settle for less but I just don’t know if I’m settling or not here. I don’t know if I should (a) take 2 weeks or a month and then we go back together and move forward in our relationship, (b) take a month then break it off, or (c) cut to the chase and break it off entirely after a week or two. Please help!
Thank you in advance for your comments and insights! God bless.

Dear ksparks,
I should actually be the very last person responding to your question. Mainly because I am in such a similiar situation. But I can offer a little advice that has helped me/us. Distance is a good thing and absence defiantely makes the heart grow fonder, as my father says. For you guys distance may help the trust issues. It could show him that you are able to give him space without making it an issue. And for yourself it could be empowering realizing that you can trust him enough to give him space. I've had trust issues in previous relationships and now I'm engaged to someone who works overseas 8 months of the year. No choice but to trust him, which has been a positive thing. I am also about to marry someone who I have only been with for almost a year. That alone is a very scarry thing and I know for me it's been a hurddle to overcome. But my thought is that something has brought you two together and there is a reason that you want to spend your lives with each other. I know for us that's kind of been overshadowed by fear. Don't break off your engagement, definately give each other some space. Try to rekindle what first made you fall in love with each other. Don't get lost in words and misunderstood feelings. Pre-marital counceling isn't a bad idea if you feel this guy is worth it. Plus it doesn't make sense to run from your issues, they just pop back up in the next relationship. Good luck, I'd like to know how you make out.
Kira

RUNNNNNNN as far away from him as possible..as your not married yet..

These are the reasons I say this..

1. You said You've given HIM out's meaning your making it easy for HIM to leave if HE wants too--

Your giving HIM to much control over the relationship..a relationship should be TWO people WORKING together..

2. He asked you to marry him when he was still involved in another relationship--and then he hasn't tried to help rebuild the trust he's broken..

the person who broke the trust is the person responsible to help the other person in anyway shape or form to rebuild the trust..by proving themselves TRUSTWORTHY!!

In what ways has he tried to rebuild that trust??

3. It also sounds as if he's trying to blame You for the situation--and not taking responsibility for his own actions..and choices..

I would expect him to be the stronger one since his actions and lack of judgment created the situation that let me to have trust issues.

What do you mean by this?? you expect him to be stronger, stronger in what ways??

I agree find a good Pastor and go to pre-marriage counseling..if you can see about going to a marriage seminar BEFORE you get married, do that..and really listen to what they say about marriage..and what it should be like..

Why did he divorce? that is also something to consider..how long has he been divorced? How long was his previous relationship and why did it end?

does he have kids? do you intend on having kids? does he want kids or more kids if he has them? Have you even talked about this??

Seriously, 8 months knowing each other isn't a very long time..so don't rush into something that is supposed last the rest of you life..

So look at him..and ask yourself..is this really the man I want to be with the rest of my life??

Can I put up with these little things that bother me now every day for the rest of my life??

How do we communicate?

can we sit down and talk things through?

do we argue about everything never resolving anything?

Do I always give in to him and what he wants? (if yes to this..RUN)

read the articles and books on this site--talk to you pastor..talk to his friends..what do they think of him??

Seriously, don't rush into marriage..your still young..there are some awesome christian marriage books...read them..