Help. I have been with my fiance for over a year and a half. We got engaged two months ago. He owns his own business (only employs 2 people and rents office space)He is 10 years older than I, but the first marriage for both of us. He has no kids, either do I.

Friday night- he asked me to sign a prenuptual agreement. He says it is to protect his business and he wants to keep our marriage and his company separate. He keeps saying this is "A good thing... I should feel flattered that if something would happen to him, I would be taken care of and so would our kids."

He explains the agreement as follows: If he would die- I would be paid his salary for the rest of my life and become the majority shareholder of his company.(yet he wants to keep me separate so that confuses me) I would never be able to run the company or sell it, so he protects his employees. If we would get divorced, I would get half of what he owns in the company.

He says he doesnt understand how I didnt see this coming and claims I am the selfish one since I dont want to sign it. The worst part of the whole deal is he asked me this over the phone. We live in two different states at the moment. Last Monday I put my notice in with my job and picked a date to move to be with him in 5 weeks. I asked him why he didnt tell me this early on and he said "You would've said no anyway".

I feel second class to him. I feel emabarassed. I feel like he thinks I'm a gold digger and that he doesnt trust me. I told him he took the wind out of my sails, hurt my pride and sucked every ounce of excitement out of my body. I told him I would get an attorney to look over the agreement.

When I initially told him I wasnt signing anything, he yelled "well, then the wedding is off" Then he said if I wouldn't sign it, he would sell his company (empty threat, he would never do that)so I would never have a say in it.

I'm not sure I can get over being bitter about this. Advice please.

Suzanne,
I'm getting married in about a month now. Although this exact issue has not come up we have had some heated financial conversations. I'm marrying a man just a few years my senior but he's been extremely financially successful in his field. He has money in the bank while I'm still struggeling to get out of student loan debt. I know how you feel. I've also felt a bit inadequate and like I'm less of a person because I'm not as financially stable. I've recently had to put my foot down to his parents (only child) and to him on how our finances will be handled. I've been heard so far and he's agreed with mostly all of the things that I cannot compromise on. We'll see!! My sister on the other hand is in a situation similar to what your could end up being. She married a man who was the third generation in an established family business and she signed the pre-nup. Two years later she finds herself with twins. She has no idea how much money her husband has, she has no financial control and she has to ask for money. That's probably why I've been especially sensitive to setting the frame work before my marriage begins. I suppose this whole issue is a matter of what you'll accept and be comfortable with. My personal opinion is that I don't see any comfort there. Why get married if your already preparing for divorce? You should trust your partner with your life. If he's willing to make the vows he should be willing to ride things out good or bad. It seems almost silly to ruin a relationship that may be great for you over money. But it's a huge issue for almost every couple. The key to marriage is compromise and he's not really showing any. I hate to say this to you but if he's not willing to compromise have the confidence to lay down the law. I'm sure you love him, but is that the distrustful attitude that you want to start your marriage with?

Hi Suzanne3,I don't see things at all like Kirraggg does. I don't know what "law" kiragggg is talking about laying down or how that your fiance is being selfish or distrustful at all. He obviously has acquired his business without the help of his relationship with you. So his being willing to offer you half of it if you would ever get divorced is far more than you would be entitled to in most law courts. Also his desire to keep the business operating successfully so that it will be able to continue to provide a STEADY income for you for LIFE and to continue to keep his employees on a payroll is certainly not selfish. This is only being wise and prudent and RESPONSIBLE on his part.I wonder what kiragggg would want? That if you would get divorced you should get everything that he has worked for all of his life? Leaving him nothing?I would never be willing to give any woman half of what I have worked hard for all my life in thenevent she decided to divorce me. Why should someone be able to take something from me that they havent worked for? Sounds to me like you would have a lot to lose by not signing the PN. Have an attorney look at it and see what it really is. If you are not willing to do take a look at this with an attorney I don't think that you are ready for marriage yet as marriage is about sharing life with someone not just having endless romantic feelings.There does'nt seem to be anything romantic about money matters but it is a big part of life.There is'nt anything romantic about a lot of other everyday issues in life but let's be realistic, these other things make it possible to have a romance.Best wishes,Two to one

have a lawyer look over his document, make HIM pay the bill,IF the lawyer says its fair,and your happy with the rest of the relationship I would not let this stop me from persuing a happy life with him, maybe you should ask HIM to sign one, have your lawyer think one up, show him you intend to "protect" YOUR self too. Another thought, do you plan on having children?? Get the lawyer to revise HIs prenup to include them.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I think Fortyone has the advice that makes the most sense for me. I am going to have an attorney look at the document, I will have HIM pay the legal fees since this was his idea in the first place. I am also considering having a full blown prenup drawn up that would include how assets would be divided if we got divorced, and include the kids in this also. I need to protect myself too, right?

Should be interesting!

Suzanne

In todays lawyer filled world it just makes sence to protect your self financially,too much can be lost to a relationship, and you never REALLY KNOW a person untill after you marry, IF both of you have nothing to start with, you dont need one. I had a home when I married the second time, and my wife had BILLS, and nothing else, NOw the marriage is faltering, and her first words were" your not getting the house again", not that i wanted to cheat her out of what she's put in, BUT, I owned the house 4 years longer than her, and IF the marriage fails I may lose ALL my equity... its hard to start over with nothing at 41...by the time i pay a lawyer to protect me my equity is gone, I'll be the big loser if this marriage crashes.... SHe came in with nothing but bills, and she will leave debt free.....