My wife and I got married a year and a half ago. At the time I was working for the State and was not smoking pot. I started smoking again for six months and decided to be honest with her finally and tell her of my daily use. My wife does not smoke pot nor understands my relationship with the bud. On the other hand, I do not understand her "beef" with me discreetly "burning one" within the privacy of my own home. If we remove the legality issue and just deal with this issue from the "choice" theory perspective. I personally find myself more productive, better able to concentrate and more relaxed when I am high. However, my wife married me when I was not drinking or smoking. She thinks I am not the person she married. Could someone please help me understand ways that we can negotiate a reasonable solution or give me advice in regards to this issue. The issue in my mind is not whether I give up the bud, which I would gladly do if she said it was the marriage or the weed, but whether or not she controls my life.

Sex, Drugs, & Rock and Roll,
Negotiating vices in marriages? Smoking pot behind your wife's back? Why should she trust you, if you could lie to her for six months what else are you lying about? You have to be honest with yourself, is pot more important than your wife? If it is... a thorough examination of your relationship to "exhibit A" should be your first step. In addition, is this issue just a veil for another dysfunctional dynamic of your marriage? I hope I can be of some use to myself, Will someone please give me an opinion regarding this matter?

My husband also smokes the "bud" and has since high school. I have asked him to give this up over the years and he really refuse. I changes his personality when he has been out on a binge of it one night. He is moody and hell and not himself. Our daughter has seen his anger as a result of this horrible drug. He has gotten better over the years but let me tell you, it changes your personality. You might not see it, but she does. It also has long term side effects over the years, especially with erectile function. Do you want to start using Viagar next?? Just a point of view from a woman who sees the effects ( long term). I suggest you stop this and meet your wifes emotional needs in this regard. Sorry if I sound so bitter but I kinda am against this drug.

I also agree that pot has long-term BAD effects. Saw it first hand in my STBX...the rages and confused reasoning. He worked up to an affair and cocaine usage. I can separate the "evils," but obviously in his case, pot was an entryway to harder drugs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The issue in my mind is not whether I give up the bud, which I would gladly do if she said it was the marriage or the weed, but whether or not she controls my life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a rationalization because you want to keep smoking it. Summary according to MB concepts - it is a problem so you just don't do it. I tried to POJA this issue and I think that's where I erred...an illegal addiction (and no sense in debating, it's at LEAST a psychological addiction and definitely against the law currently) should not be POJA-able.

If you value your marriage, cut out the pot and work on communication techniques with your W. No, neither of you should control the other. You BOTH are feeling controlled over pot usage! Give it up. Heck, save the money you put into buying pot and save for a great vacation.

I have to say that my husband has smoked pot ever since I have known him. And, I would never want to take it away. He is Manic/Bi-Polar and it really helps to keep him balanced. I'm not saying it is always a good tool to solve your problems, but it works to keep him happier.

When it comes to your marriage. You just need to compromise..it is not fair to either of you if things are taken away. From experience, resentments will begin to grow. Communicate your feelings about your activities and allow her to speak her opinions. And really listen to what she says. If compromise can't be found...then you may want to do a little soul searching and find out your priorities.

Good Luck and "It's always 420"

<small>[ April 18, 2003, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: butterflylost ]</small>

Hi,
I know a lot of people who smoke.

I've seen two couples break up over it. It both cases, the H was a former heavy user, quit, met the W, married, started smoking again, and divorced. End of story. The W just didnt want it as a part of their daily life.

BUT, in most cases (of the people I know), the non-smoking spouse is OK with the other spouse smoking, but does not smoke themselves. At least publically, the non-smoker is OK with the occasional Lighting-Up-at-a-Party level of smoking. A few non-smokers are even married to heavy users, but they knew that going into the relationship (!)...

I think smoking is one of those basic THINGS that couples must agree about. Especially since it's (i think) still illeagle. (that was a joke)

And especially if kids will be in the picture. I know I'd certainly be worried if the future father of my children was going to expose my kids to pot (we're not having kids, so no issue. But if I were, it would be!). Believe me, if one of my friends parents smoked, we KNEW it. And you're wife knows the kids will know.

This may really, really come down to you choosing your W over your bud. Sucks.

But, you must have had SOME idea on her position on this subject? (I say that, but my two friends mentioned above didnt, or thought they'd 'fix' it later?? Is that what you thought?)

Any chance you can bargain her down to weekends, or just parties? I'm sure you could think of something to exchange with her, like ALWAYS doing the dishes for the rest of your life, or going to church with her on Sundays? - Dru

Dear All:

I have lots to say on this subject because I lived through it and am now suffering the painful consequences.

I first smoked pot at age 15 and did so quite regularly for the rest of my "teen-age" years. The most intense period though was between 15-17. I had basically no supervision at home and just did whatever I wanted with the neighborhood gang. Fortunately, I never escalated my pot smoking into other harder categories; ie., cocaine, acid, etc. I did though do my fair share of drinking.

I met the Love of my life at age 17. Kirsi, from Finland, dropped into my life as an exchange student. She was so very different from anyone I had ever met, and she made it known to me immediately that she was against drug use of any kind. As I spent more time with Kirsi, I noticed that my interest in pot reduced. Perhaps I was just growing up, (or was it that my addiction for pot transformed itself into an addiction for my new love?; I am still trying to work this out.) Whatever the case, although I smoked more rarely, I still couldn`t completely kick the habit which I had developed over two intense years. So whenever I had free time with my neighborhood buddies, I would get stoned just like before. As I knew Kirsi would not approve, I hid this behavior behind her back. And if Kirsi ever suspected I had been smoking, I would either deny or minimize the degree of my usage.

Over time my pot smoking gradually diminished and now at the age of 39, I can say that I haven`t touched it in more than 12 years. I don`t miss it at all. But what pot did to me was to make me a liar. I lied to my parents, to my relatives, to my non-smoking friends, and to my darling Kirsi.

I married Kirsi in 1985 and sadly, earlier this month, we became another divorce statistic; another casualty I believe of the dishonesty of drug use. I take complete responsibility. I am not blaming anyone but myself. I blew it.

Lying to my wife way back in our early years made it so easy to lie to her about other more damaging issues. During a 12 year period (1989 - 2001), I cheated on Kirsi on severa occasions while I was away on business travel. I kept all inside me until last summer when my guilt finally overwhelmed me.

I confessed to Kirsi that I had been unfaithful and that was that. She filed for divorce, moved out, and now our divorce is finally official.

Please, if you just starting a new relationship; don´t allow pot (or other drugs) to lead you down the road of dishonesty because it will lead to other forms and degrees of deception. If I could do it all over again, I would have just said no.

Doug in Finland

I think it's sad for everybody. I don't think it's your wife that's controlling you, it's the pot. I view this just like I do porn. If it's something you feel you have to "sacrifice", it's an addiction. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a big deal to you. Since you are addicted to pot, I think your wife (then girlfriend) had a right to know you at least had a problem with it even if you weren't smoking at the time. If you have kids, they will definately know about this. That's not cool. What if you get busted and go to jail? What will happen to your wife and kids? When your kids get older and ask you to stop, are you going to have to decide between the "bud" and them, too? I think it's sad your wife didn't have the opportunity to make a choice before you were married. I wouldn't bring kids into the world until this is resolved either way.

She is upset because her statement is true: you are not the person she married; you are now a drug user.

What ever gave you the idea that this would be okay with her? I'm sorry, that sounds harsh, but it's true.

This is really not an issue of your wife controling you; it is about the fact that you don't want to give up the chemical feeling that
the TTHC in the marijuana gives you. It is
psychologically addictive. I think you need to ask yourself honestly about the control aspect, since the product you're using--no matter
how mellow and level you may feel--is designed
to take away your control, that same control that
you imply is very important to you.

Hi:

Regarding giving up pot, just have complete confidence that you can achieve a much greater euphoria from the relationship with your wife. Love is the answer, not a joint.

Doug in Finland

Weez,
My husband and I smoke everyday and have been since before we met. We're doing great, and if anything, it really helps. If your wife didn't notice any differences in you until you told her about it, then it's the idea that she doesn't appreciate... it's not the fact that you supposedly changed. Many people believe that bud's just down right wrong and will do anything to stand by those beliefs. However, I know where you're coming from... I get the bud relationship. It's not as negative as some people might believe. The only compromise I can think of for your situation is to smoke when she's not around, but don't do it behind her back. Once you start lying to her, that's a whole new situation. Just STAY HONEST, and drop the bud if it means losing your wife. Nothing's worth losing the love of your life. I don't think she's trying to control you, she's just looking out for you. Anyhow, I hope you find a solution that suits you both. Good luck and much love to ya!

Hi,
This is Aria's husband, Nick, i'm 23, a student of philosophy and psychology, as well as a fellow smoker of 8 years. My wife brought your situation to my attention, and i was hoping i could be of help, as i often spend a great deal of my pass time in chat discussing all manner of religious and philosophic issues, of which ethics is one of my primary interests, especially regarding smoking. i hope you dont mind my loose use of grammer and punctuation.
to take a few things point by point, regarding the identity of the man your wife married, we are the culmination of the choices of our life, and not just a select few. even though you were not smoking when you married your wife, you still possessed the inclination to smoke, the value of the experience, but in that situation you had other obligations which you valued more, and therefore did not partake. that you were in such a situation of occupational obligations at the time of your marriage, is not an indication of you being a different person, but simply that it was You in a different set of circumstances, and thus acting under different motives. i also believe this is a statement of your strength of your character and will, in that you can stop smoking at will if the circumstances call for it. that your wife was not aware of a particular value or perspective you held, does not mean you are a different person than she married, for she married YOU, not just her perspective of you. for better or worse includes all things we will learn about our spouse after marriage. i would be curious to know whether or not you two had ever discussed smoking prior to marriage, if there was ever an act of intentional deception on your part, or merely omission. i am glad that you accept the possibility of having to stop smoking for her, as a wife is surely more important than grass; but should you come to that conclusion too quickly, would set a terrible precedent for the future. as th end of your message stated, she does not control you. you do not control her. marriages are unions, and to say that her dislike of smoking automaticly outweights your like of smoking, i see as absolutely unsupported. i would like to know, has she ever smoked? (and more than just a single time, enough to have a personal understanding of its effects, etc) for if she is passing judgement on smoking based on an 2nd hand evidence, on the experiences or testimonies of others, an uninformed opinion surely would not outweight one which is personally informed. ignorant perspectives do not hold more weight than those supported by empirical evidence. i would also ask, if you smoked for 6 months while at times being high in her presence, and she was not at all aware of this, then any claim that you are not the man she married would go right out the window. to judge a situation based on a single facet or objection while rejecting all other reasonable evidence, is a form of bigotry. to judge you as a smoker while not taking into account your personal convictions, your level of efficiency when high, your ability to hold true to priorities and to meet obligations, would simply be to turn a blind eye to all evidence but that which supports the perspective she already holds. the fact that the man she loves, himself chooses willingly to recreationaly smoke grass should have some value to her. you did not change, her perspective changed. now having rambled for a while, i would want to say something about courses of action. my first suggestion would be for you to smoke with your wife: this is dependant upon whether or not she's smoked inthe past, or her reasons for disliking it so much. i would want to ensure she had personal experience of what she was objecting to. after she can base her conclusion on personal experience as well, should she still strongly object to you smoking, the next step down i can see is you not smoking in her presence, but being able to be high in her presence. step down from there is neither smoke nor high in her presence. and the last alternative is giving it up all together. i say again, i would openly advise you to quit before losing your wife, but i would not allow her will to simply rule over yours. if she cannot provide sufficient justification for her disapproval of smoking, as wife she must respect your decision. if she were to take of mild drinking of wine, whereas you hypothetically held strong reservations against drinking, she would not be obligated to live by your values, simply because you are her husband. she cannot simply say, "you're the one doing something that causing trouble, so you have to stop doing it." because her choice to hold this strong reservation is also a choice in the situation which can be stopped, thus removing the problem. regarding the ethics of smoking, its "criminal" state in the US is not a factor. in the 20's Dupont's primary competition used only hemp as their source of protiens, and in "competetive nature" dupont began lobbying for the criminalization of marijuana, even funding propaganda films like "refer madness". when marijuana was criminalized, Dupont's stock proceeded to rise over 150% over the next ten years, as their competition was forced to shut down production. presently some of the primary contributors to the partnership for a drug free america are Cotton, Soy and Paper industries, whom are most threatened by the possibly legalization of marijuana, and thus of hemp. so considering its criminal state is more a product of big business than of any actual morality of smoking, we are free to move on to the individual morality of use. marijuana has 110 carcinogins, whereas tabacco cigarettes have around 330. smoking doesnt cause near the auto related accidents as drinking, nor do you see abusive parents who smoke all the time, whereas this is all to common amongst alcohol. marijuana only numbs the nervous system, which slows reaction speeds, whereas alcohol hinders depth perception, motor skills, hand eye coordination, all which are highly necessary for operating vehicles. considering smokers tend to drive slower, the reduced reaction speed is easily compensated for. if your wife is christian, remind her that God created all "herbs bearing seed" and twice in Genesis gave man (Adam and Noah) dominion over all "trees bearing fruit and all herbs bearing seed". also, Christ Himself said "that which enters the mouth of a man does not defile him, it is that which proceeds from the mouth of a man that defiles him, for that which enters is used and done away with, but that which proceeds comes from the heart, and there a man is defiled." granted Christ was talking about eating sacrificed food, but the concept remains the same, it is not what you eat, drink, inhale, ingest that makes you who you are. we are a culmination of the choices we make. and as marijuana does not in any way, shape or form CONTROL our decision making process, it cannot be held responsible for what we do when we're high. we wear the hat, the hat does not wear us. when people get high, they're still free to do whatever they choose. hm. i think thats just about everything that comes to mind. if you'd like to you can email me at nickguice@yahoo.com, if you could answer a few of the questions i asked, i could give a more specific support. i'm mostly curious what her objections are based upon. well, thanks for taking the time to read this, hope i have been of some help. be well.