My h this past weekend dropped a bombshell on me. Said he was thinking of divorcing me (everything was calm we weren't argueing or fighting we were laying on the beach). Then he gives me these ultimatiums, and expects me to make my decision over night but how can i process anything he said to me in a 48 hour period. So i wrote him this letter asking him why. He told me that the situtation is over and that he changed his mind he didn't want a divorce so i am sitting here trying to figure out how to accept that. Because you don't go from thinking about divorce, and giving ultimatiums to i change my mind. Not as quick as he did, and the thing is i could accept and trust the fact if it came from a heated moment but it didn't it came out of no where when everything is going good and calm.

So last night he was acting as nothing happened like divorce has never came up. I was sitting there thinking how can this go away with out us talking about it. How can my H expect to tell me this and then expect me to act like it never happened i just don't understand. I am afraid to bring it up because i am afraid of the outcome but i need to put my fears aside so i can get to the bottom of this.

there is alot i haven't told you guys because when i started to talk about my situtation (on emotional need forum) i was asked if i was making it up. so i just didn't finish telling the whole story.

four years ago i met my H and at first i wasn't interested for he was an old man and i was a young girl (H is 46 i am 24). so i blew him off then after a couple of meetings (a year later ) i finally got to know he was a great guy then one thing led to another and i asked him out. we dated for about a year and i he asked me to move in so i moved in and at the beginning of the next year he asked me to marry him i said yes as up to this point he was not controlling in anyway. so we got married in that june and that was last year over. the past year he has lived in another city because he got offered a job. and without me likeing it i stayed back because he asked me to he also cheated on me in that time frame. he has tried to control me by telling me i was not allowed to go to bars i was only allowed to go out with the girls if it was to the movies or something like that. our sex life has diminished to nothing. i have discovered that i don't know who i am and as i find that out he is finding out that i am not who he met fell inlove with and married that i am totally a differnt person now. see when i first met him i only made decisions that i knew would make him happy and as i started to want to make decisions that would make me happy he didn't like it.now i am just trying to find out who i am and i feel bad that he has to go through that with me but that is what husbands are for and if he was going through this i would have to be supportive of it. so that leads us up to the present day and you know that part so i hope that i can get some help and get some advice and someone to give me some support because i really need it.

thank you
stephanie

Confused,

I am very new to this site so I don't know how much help I can offer you, but I can tell you about my personal experience. I am unmarried so you may take my ideas/advice with a grain of salt.

Quite a few years ago I dated a much older man - not very much unlike your situation. He was (well he told me he was 45 - I learned later that he was actually 48) - I was only 22 at that time. I was the persistent one after we got to know each other. He was very controlling and jealous. We were together for a total of 8 months and he was very jealous most of the time. He did not trust me - despite my efforts to prove to him he had no reason to not. He did not like the idea of me going to lunch with a group of co-workers even if they were all female, let alone if there was one male there. He was controlling much in the same way that your H seems to be with you. Turned out after 8 months I found out he was lying to me which was the main reason for his distrust.

All I can say is that 22 is a far cry from 46 and I know that in the last 3 years I have changed drastically, but marriage is.... for better or worse and if you can get past an affair you can get past these differences.

Your H may not want to bring up the subject again for various reasons - maybe it was just to see your reaction - if you're doing a lot of changing he may be worried that he's losing you. The key is to keep fresh the things that you both enjoy to do together - that way even if you change you still have things to keep you together.

I would suggest checking out his needs/her needs because I think a lot of the concepts presented in this book will help you and your H build a stronger more intimate bond and get you through this journey into womanhood (you know it never ends.)

God bless - Wishing you all the Best

Shannon