Hello! I'm newly and very happily married. My husband and I are doing very well together, and I love him with all of my heart. Unfortunately, I have no drive to make love to him. It's not him... I just don't ever feel like having sex. I want to make my husband happy, and I want to show him how much I'm in love with him. I was wondering if there was anyone else out there going through the same thing.

Fili,

It is absolutely WONDERFUL that you have decided this is a problem, and want to take action to take care of it before it effects your marriage (and I guarantee you it will). Here are a couple of rescources that will help, besides this site:

The Marriage Bed
Divocebusing

Also, a book called The Sex-Starved Marraige, as well as one called Intended for Pleasure can both help. There are many others, I am sure you will have other respond. But I can guarantee that both you and your husband will be ecstatic that you have taken this first step, identifying a problem and being willing to take action to change it. Good for you!

As a man i can guarantee that this will be a problem. My wife and i have struggled with this for awhile. Generally speaking one of the top needs for men is sex, while it only ranks 5th or 6th for women. Below feeling loved and being secure. I would really like others to comment on this. After several talks with my wife she suggested that if i need something then i should go somewhere else and make sure she does not know about it. This was not a threat or sarcastic, she just realized my drive was a lot higher than hers.
I do hope you work it out, and a quick hint..lol. there is a difference between allowing something to happen and wanting it to happen. i.e. you can allow your husband to do something with you but if you cannot bring yourself to enjoy it and want it back then it feels like charity and I personally never enjoy the sex when it is like that. Anyone one else with comments?

I have a similar problem and I would really like some advice...My fiance doesn't find me sexually attractive, he says I have a beautiful face,sexy feet, that I have the smoothest body he's ever felt...but I also have flaws, broad shoulders, a flat butt, a gut, and my breasts are great when I'm laying down but too saggy when I stand. These flaws are what keep him from feeling sexually attracted to me, therefore he rarely initiates the love making. He is very loving and likes to snuggle and kiss and he does get turned on when I initiate. He hadn't seen this as a problem because he feels that the love we have is more important that his "shallow views" and besides he has "other outlets" like masterbation, porn, fantasies so he wasn't missing the lack of sexual attraction from me. He wishes I didn't have the physical flaws I possess but loves me regaurdless. Am I over reacting to this situation, should I be happy that he loves me regaurdless, because I don't have a very good self image of myself and knowing his views just makes it so that I can verify my own views. He has had 3 sexual partners, I am the third, the 1st one was not ugly in the face but was much heavier that I, I weigh 145 and she weighed 180 I have no cellulite, she did, but at the time he was sexually attracted to her, even though when thinking back he isn't now. Please tell me what you think.

I've had the reverse situation in other relationships. But, I think it's frustrating whether you're a man or a woman. I applaud you in not making him feel abnormal because he wants to have sex more than you. It will bleed into other parts of your marriage if a real compromise isn't achieved. The important thing is you both put forth a real effort to resolve it and not expect him to come down to your level of frequency. He will be happy when he sees you really want to do something about it. The worst part for me was thinking it was going to happen and then being disappointed when it didn't. And, it's hard to talk about it, when the low-drive person feels like you're pressuring them. Stick to a compromise, that's my advice from experience.

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: maryl ]</small>