I have posted on here before about my relationship with my boyfriend. The summary is, I'm 21, he's 23, we've been together for 2 years, and he's in the army. Its been long distance the whole time, and we have probably been together in person for maybe 100 of the roughly 700 days we've been in this relationship. I love him so much, and he loves me too, and we're really a great couple - very compatible. The problem is, he keeps wanting more and more from me in the way of comittment (keeps wanting to get engaged and married) and I'm just not ready. This is my first relationship, and the long distance stuff and the deployment stuff is so hard for me. I spend most of my time being sad and depressed and stressed out about it. Lately I've been feeling so tied down. Its like I'm in a relationship, but I don't have a boyfriend here to be with. He's never here - so I end up feeling single. Its the worst of both being single and being in a relationship - you're lonely, but you can't do anything about it. And my head has been saying "break up" as have almost all of my friends. I have been going through this whole dilemma for months now. I just feel too young for this and not ready yet. But I am SO very very scared to lose him. He is so wonderful, its just the situation that isn't working out. We fight on the phone a lot, over random unimportant stuff, and yet in person it is beyond wonderful. None of that stuff matters that we'd fight about. We make eachother so happy. I don't know what to do here. I feel like I need to break up with him, but at the same time I want him to wait for me. I feel like I need some time to grow up a little in order to handle all this, to be the person he needs me to be. I can really see us being married some day, but right now it can't work. Is there some compromise or some way that this can work out? ANyone? Advice? Please?

Hello Spin,

I read your earlier post on living together before marriage and I held my response. This too is a personal decision that only you can make . . only you know your boyfriend and relationship. BUT . . .

it sounds like you may already know the answer. You mentioned not being ready for this and needing time to grow. That sounds like a good idea that is very reasonable.

I understood you to say that you can see yourself being married to him someday (just not now) and you don't want to lose him. Is he saying he will end it if you don't marry/commit further to him right now? Is there any way you can set a time table for you to finish school and him to advance in rank (I got the impression that he was jr enlisted and not an NCO yet, I apologize if I'm incorrect). Then you might be better able to handle some of the financial situations early in the marriage. (kids, moving, mortgage, etc.).

JMHO, but fear of losing someone does not sound like a good reason to marry. I hope this helped and I'm sorry if it doesn't.

DT

Heartbroken........

I am sure you know the fable of the bird that was let lose to fly........

a relationship is just that.......you both must give and take but neither give too much nor take too much.

Tell him how much you care for him and that you will be there for him and when the moment is right you both will know it......If he cant buy this, he is less ready than you and you are better to distant yourself no matter how painful.

God is very wise....It took me 50 years to seek his wisdom......trust in him and in your heart and your gut......you will be ok.

God bless.....seek truth and look into his eyes - you will know the answer.

jasmab

I'm not hear really to give you advice because I can't even figure out what to do with my own situation but I just wanted to tell u something that might make u understand why ur boyfriend is pushing on marriage being a veteran myself.

In the military no matter what branch marriage at an early age is very common. People are stationed far from home and get lonely. I'm not saying that marriage is the right choice for those who to choose to go that way, but I just wanted to give you my thought of maybe why ur boyfriend is pushing on the marriage issue.

I am currently deployed to the Middle East and recently married. We rushed to marry because of the upcoming war. Well, I'm not going to help you decide, but I will say that life in the military is hard and if you do decide to get married it will take much more strength and committment than most marriages. See, my wife wasn't ready and now she is having an affair. I am still committed but she has all but given up. I guess what I'm trying to say is you at least have the chance now, not being married, of backing down, but if you commit, commit everything. It will take nothing less to survive a military marriage.
I wish the best of luck to the both of you.
Oh, and if you do marry, be sure to utilize and get involved in the Family Support Group while he is away. It helps to have the support of people that are going through the same things as you are.

I totally agree with depressed's reasons about why people in the military marry. I am 35 and my fiance is 36. We are both divorced. He was in the army for 10 years. During that time he was married also (He got married at 19 his ex-w was 20 and had a 4 year old son that didnt live with them ). His ex-wife never had the chance to have a successful career. They had a daughter between them and she took care of her.During his time in she had little jobs here and there...but it was only until he decided to leave that she stopped and looked at herself and realized that she needed to do something. She didnt have any schooling or skills and decided to enlist herself in the army. To make a long story short.... He got out and she went in..She left to Korea for 2 years and their marriage was never the same. After a few more years it was over. They both needed to grow and after talking to my fiance I sensed that they didnt really enjoy their life together the way they really could have if they had had more time together. They never set any real goals and when he was at the end of his military career even he didnt know what would happen next.

The bottom line is that life is short. you need to do the best you can do for yourself while you have the time. Being in love is fun and great...But setting realistic goals and being there for your partner and giving them the support and understanding is important.

If you arent ready then let this go. I'm sure that if it was meant for you guys to be together you will one day find each other in another time and place where everything will come together and there will be no worries.

If not... you are still very young with alot of life to experience. Do not give up on your dreams..You may live to regret them or worse...resent him because you decided to get married.

I agree with everyone else. If you guys are meant to be, then breaking up doesn't have to mean forever. You both can consciously choose to give yourselves time to grow and build a more stable foundation in your relationship when he gets back. Because that's exactly what you will need if you decide to get married.

It will be hard emotionally either way.

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: lj ]</small>

Well, here's an update. We've been going back and forth on the whole thing, and his heart is just getting torn apart. The issue isn't whether to get engaged, its whether to take a break when he gets deployed in a week from now. I feel unready for this commitment, I feel like I need time. I told him this, but he says if I leave him now when he needs me (deployment) he'll never forgive me. He asked me what it is I feel I need to do and questioned whether I need to be single to do it. Its a good question. I do feel like being young and partying, but I doubt that its necessary. This is such a tough thing because he's saying now or never to me, and I love him very much. If he could just say, "I understand, I love you, I hope things work out for us when you're ready" this would all be solved. Honestly, I don't feel all that far away from being ready. I feel like if I just had the length of the deployment (6-10 months), he could come back, we could build a really solid relationship, and then when he leaves again I could feel ready for the committment. Instead he's saying "You don't love me if this is such an issue for you. I should leave you." He feels abandoned and he's calling me a slut and a whore for feeling like I am not ready to be comitted. He thinks I'm wrong about needing to be single in order to grow in the way I think I need to grow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lj:
<strong>I agree with everyone else. If you guys are meant to be, then breaking up doesn't have to mean forever. You both can consciously choose to give yourselves time to grow and build a more stable foundation in your relationship when he gets back. Because that's exactly what you will need if you decide to get married.

It will be hard emotionally either way.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If breaking up didn't have to mean forever in his mind, that's what I'd do.

Hey Spin,
Not sure where to begin with this... All I can offer is my perspective as your boyfriend, considering my fiance of 2 years is pretty much having the same feelings you are (mind you, after we got engaged). I do not claim to know your boyfriends intentions in getting married, but the similarities (so it sounds) to my situation are profound. Quick background: I'm 24, I'm in the Air Force, I'm a pilot, I only get to see her every 6-8 weeks, she can't decide (on anything, especially me).

The military is tough on marraiges. It takes a special commitment from both to make them work. I say this not out of experience, but just from observing the differences in those unions (of my friends) that survive and those that fail. Knowing this when entering the Army (in marriage) does two things: 1) it makes you aware of problems to come so you can talk to your spouse and try to avoid them and 2) causes you to focus more on the "what if" factors (what if: I can't get a job, I don't like where we live, I don't get to see him much, I don't like the army, etc). Know that if you marry him, you marry the Army too. I know that my friends who rushed into marriage too young have problems that stemmed from the aforementioned issues, because they didn't consider them enough. I think you should (not to say you haven't yet) distill your feelings into whether you a) have issues with him personally (is he the one?) or b) have issues with yourself personally (would I rather party and date others first?).

Being scared to lose him isn't a reason to get married. I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate the brutally honest answer to his proposal with "well, if I don't marry you I'll lose you, so, what the hey, let's do it! Feel depressed because you are in a relationship yet feel single? How do you suppose he feels? Not only that, he wants to commit to you and is hurt the feeling is not mutual. You can't have your pretty cake and eat it too. If you're feeling lonely yet in a relationship (and this can be solved simply by being with the one you love), decide not to feel lonely - commit. OR, decide to be single, and live the single life. I guarantee the most frustrating part of this for him is the fact that you don't want to commit, yet you want him to wait. What it sounds like to him probably is "Hey, wait for me. Let me grow up and if I don't find anything better, I'll call you (don't call me)."

I could type all day on this matter, because it's way too similar to my situation. I'll force myself to close with what feelings I've condensed in my struggle for answers to my own problems. Not to decide is just as effective as deciding. Your choice may not sound simple, but it ends with one of two scenarios: Either you commit to marry him (someday), or you end the relationship (someday). I suspect (as I've said before) it is your indecision that hurts him the most. I know that's what pains me the most. Do him a favor and just tell him you are not going to marry him if that's the decision he demands. For you, don't suffer through these conflicting feelings anymore. Obviously you're not ready to get hitched, which would make the answer clear (if it were that easy). If he can't wait for you, well, so be it. Know though that you're not helping him commit to waiting for you the longer you procrastinate making the decision, as his frustration and contempt (mostly feelings of rejection) build. Sorry if I've typed too much or gone Miss Manners on you. I wish for the two of you one thing: resolution. Whether it's painful or liberating, there's something to be said for at least knowing how the people you love truly feel.

God bless, good luck.