I am 27 and have been engaged for a few months and my wedding is in a few weeks. I have had little doubts here and there about what I am doing. I have just thought that it was normal because it is such a big decision and you know so little about marrige before you are in it. Now I am having more serious doubts about our personality differences. We have been together for about two years and I have always had issues with her not showing affection well. We have both been raised to 'wait until marrige' but she rarely initiates any kind of intimacy and many times she will say she is not intrested or feels guilty. She says this will change once we are married, but I just don't know. I am also a more outgoing person- kind of a late bloomer and she is more quite and reserved. Often times I feel like when I want to have fun -not drinking or partying- but by being social and joking around- she gets uncomfortable with the attention and I have to tone it down. She says she is uncomfortable and doesn't know how to act. I also feel kind of closed off emotionally- while I bear my soul regularly I have to drag everything out of her and it too makes her uncomfortable. I am not looking for- yes, you should or no, you shouldn't but more ideas on how much doubt is reasonable and what kinds of problems people actually enter marrige with. I want to talk to her about it but if it is just cold feet I don't want to mention it because it will hurt her.

Dustin-
It sounds like you have been very thoughtful and deliberate about your entry into marriage. That is a very good thing. Many people entering into their first marriage don't think it through enough.

As for having cold feet, I don't think that is the case with you. "Cold feet" means you are having doubts about the desirability of marriage in and of itself, or are afraid of committing to one partner for the rest of your life. Your concerns about your relationship with your girlfriend are very real and deserve attention.

It is obvious from your message that affection is very important to you. But what do you mean by initiating intimacy? What seems to be the issue between your and your girlfriend is the level of intimacy with which each of you is comfortable. You need to discuss that issue. What she may be worried about is that initiation of affection may lead to sex, and if she is uncomfortable with having sex before marriage then you need to make a decision whether that is acceptable to you or not. Also discuss with her what each of you feels is an appropriate level of affection.

As for her being unwilling to open up to you, it seems that is just part of her personality. You are very extroverted and she is very introverted. Sometimes those two personality types compliment eachother very well, especially when one person is a talker and the other is a listener. However, it can be a problem if you have a need for openess from your girlfriend and she is not willing to open up to you. One thing you need to watch out for is that you don't try to force her to "bear her soul". Let it come to her slowly. It may be that for her entire life she has not been accustomed to expressing her feelings. In the end though, strong marriages are built on spouses knowing eachother better than anyone else, so she should eventually open up to you.

Try talking openly and honestly about these things with your fiance. If you and her don't feel like enough headway if being made for the both of you, then you should consider seeing a counselor for premarital counseling. Seeing a counselor doesn't mean your relationship is failing, only that you want to find ways to strengthen it. Be sure she understands that too. In fact, I am a strong advocate of all engaged couples going to premarital counseling. Also, try to find a professional counselor instead of clergy. While some clergy and preachers are good counselers, most are not professionally trained.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Feel free to ask any questions if they come up.

Shaun

No I am not trying to have sex- I just mean even kissing and stuff like that (outside the clothes). With other girls I've dated who didn't want sex- they still showed a desire for it and had to produce a modest amount of willpower- she has no problem whatsoever resisting anything. I show a lot through speaking and non verbal communication that I am physically attracted to her while I have to ask about her feelings on the subject and hope for a good answer. What worries me is that she is very much into cleanliness. One time we were doing yardwork at my house. When we were done- I went to hug her- she didn't want to be near me at all because she and I had perspired just a little. I mean just a little!! I am worried that when sex does come in to play she will not like it because it is 'messy' and that she will be ashamed of her own body. How do I know how she'll like it? There is no way!!!! She says she will but how does she even know? My gut instinc tells me we are going to have problems in this area. I'd say I'm a pretty observant person generally but I get no positive signs in this situation. I feel like I'm CRAZY about her and she is marginally intrestested physically. I have gotten much much more out of past relationships who were just as shy. I also believes she enjoys the fact that I am the 'wanter' and she is the 'wanted.' If this is to persist throughout the marrige I will resent her for it. Not that I'd leave her- but I'd feel cheated and decieved. I don't like the inequality. My nightmare is that I will be stuck with someone with little or no intrest in sex. From this website it sounds like a living hell.
I think I have some more to think about. I don't know how well counselling would work because If I even mention anything physical to the pastor she gets embarassed and later gets upset that I even talked about it. She doesn't like to talk to me about it!! I love her and the marrige 'feels' right now but I am trying to decide from 5 or ten years in the future what I would do in this situation. Basically I need to decide if all the work it will take to work through these things will be worth it or not- I consider divorce a non-option. I feel like I'm rolling a pair dice!!!! I would feel more comfortable with someone who could assure me that I'd be reasonably satisfied without acting like I'm a perv for even talking about it. I am so afraid of the changes that I can't know about until it happens. GRRR! This is so complicated. I guess I will hope for the best and work for the rest.

Sounds like you have some pretty strong feelings about everything. That is a big reason you need to talk to her about it!

The simple fact is that right now your needs are not being met, and if you don't express to her your fears that this could jeopardize your relationship, then I'll bet the farm that things are not going to get any better after you marry.

A good spouse is anxious to meet the needs of his/her significant other. If she is serious about the relationship, then she will be willing to work with you to meet your needs. And in turn, find out her needs and what makes her tick, especially right now, and see what you can do to meet those needs.

Dustin,

You should not ignore your doubts. I did and I regret it. I wish very badly that our premarital counselor would have dealt with some issues with a little more detail and a little more seriously.

I know since the date of your wedding is near by it's not very practical to call it off or push it back, but believe me it would be much better in the long run to deal with issues and face them head on. Then if you're sure you want to spend the rest of your life with her after that then go for it.

But when you guys have hard times and if you go through this phase I think I might be going through now you're going to need to be able to look back and say yes I knew I loved her back then and even though I'm feeling this way now I will be committed to this relationship.

So don't let friends and family pressure you to get married just because the money is spent. If you're not sure wait until you are. I had one friend who got married and his wife left him right after the wedding because she didn't want to disappoint her family after they had spent so much money on the ceremony.

If you asked him he would say that it would have been much better for her to call it off at the last minute than to put him through that.

Dustin, I have been where you are at however, I was more like your fiance. I found it very hard to open up and be intimate with communication and with physical affection. My ex-husband was very much like I was so it was easy for us to plod along for 16 years and not rock the boat. After some time though, I began wanting more....I wanted to be capable of that kind of intimacy. I wanted a soul mate. What a found, was not a soul mate per' se but rather a man who made my soul grow more than anyone else ever had. I now am happily engaged to this wonderful man and will be married by the end of the year. We have the most stimulating conversations and I relish in the physical affection and passionate sex.

Maybe your finace is capable deep down (like I was/am) but is just not ready to delve below the surface. Staying on the surface is so much safer where you can breath the air....it takes trust in your 'diving equipment' to explore the depths of your soul. If you truly love this woman and feel you can get her to dive with you, you should go for it. If you don't think she'll ever be capable of this type of life you want and need then the price of the wedding ceremony pales in comparison to the price of a divorce, the breaking up of a family and hurting children that may be involved.
Good luck my friend!
NDC

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If you truly love this woman and feel you can get her to dive with you, you should go for it.
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While this is beautiful and romantic, it doesn't seem very logical. I don't think people should marry if they are doing so with expectations that their spouse-to-be will eventually change to better meet the their needs.
It seems that it if you need something so much that you doubt the success of marriage if it is not corrected, than you should make sure the problem is corrected before you marry--at the very least, the problem should be addressed and managed. Unfortunately, the problem you are facing is not something that will magically change even if your partner realizes your needs and takes great strides to meet them.
You may need to wait longer than you want to get married, but that would likely end up being a sacrifice that will benefit both of you greatly in the long run.
You have some very difficult and time sensitive decisions to make--I wish you strength in working with those side-by-side with your fiancee.