Here is the situation: I am getting married within 2 months but I am having serious doubts do to how my fiancée handles his family. He has no boundaries with them (particularly his sister and mother). I do not get along with his mother and sister because they do treat me very well when I am around them. My fiancée has never defended me to them and I feel very alone and I am afraid that it will just destroy me if we get married. Our pastor has said that my fiancée needs to let his family know that if they can’t treat us both with respect then he will not subject himself or me to being around them until they can. I agree with my pastor’s opinion. But, my question is how can this be applied to the Policy to the Joint Agreement before we get married?? I am terrified to get married to him because I feel that his families feelings will always be more important them mine. Help!

<small>[ June 30, 2003, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: Aymee ]</small>

Hi Aymee,

I agree with your pastor too. When you two get married you leave your parents (not in leave, leave), but your husband will have to put you before them in order for problems to cease.

Talking with your mother-in-law right now may help. Just say "______, you know me and your son are getting married, and I feel that you don't like me for some reason. Can you tell me how you feel about me, so I can understand. I don't want to go into this marriage having difficulties with parents. That would make me feel sad." And see what she says. Weather your husband is there or not, but it would be better if he was. This is a very innocent talk to have with her. And ask your husband that he please not say anything during your conversation with her.

I think this is the most important thing to do and will show her how mature you are in doing this, and may bring you more friendship with her.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Thank you for your reply. It is nice to know that someone was listening.

Aymee

I had difficulties with my BF's mother at one point that I felt could be very damaging to my relationship. I communicated with her via email to express my feelings and got a very open and honest response. We have since worked through our differences and I am so very glad that I contacted her. I always kept my BF on the same page. Now, I feel closer to his mother than I do with my own.
I feel that it is very dangerous to come between a man and his mother even if I am not the cause of the strain. I realize that I will need to always make an effort to nurture my relationship with her and his other family members.
Expressing yourself in terms of feelings is a very safe way to initiate a conversation. You have a right to your feelings--avoid being judgemental or demanding and make every attempt to listen to and respect her feelings, as well.
Good luck to you.

I have now gotten two replies that I need to be the one to initiate the resolution to working things out with my fiancée’s mother. I think I left some important information out of my original message. First, it is not only his mother that I have conflict with, it is his sister too. I went to his sister to try to smooth things out because I couldn’t take her passive aggressiveness towards me anymore. I went to her in a calm manner and she was not kind to say the least. She said that she would only continue to be in my wedding for her brother’s sake, that she didn’t want to work things out with me because I was not blood. Her main gripe with me was that she was afraid that I was going to marry her brother and take him away from her and her family (I found out that she was actually the voice for her mother and father too – that they feel the same way). What makes them feel this way you may ask? Maybe it is because when I am around the family they say and do things that make me feel uncomfortable. They are not willing to look at there actions and how they contribute to me not wanting to come over there house all the time (I do go over most of the time, but when I have to study for school I don’t go and I get ridiculed for that). So you see I have tried to talk to one of the family members and now I feel my fiancée’ needs to step up and stand behind me. He is a very passive person and I feel he can’t remain to be so in this situation. I feel that he needs to tell his family that he will not subject me to being around this any longer. If he can’t do this willingly I will always feel second and resentful. As far as my fianee’s mother goes my biggest gripe with her is that she discounts me every time she can and she is not rational. She wanted us to invite all of these people to our wedding (people she doesn’t even have phone numbers for) and pay for them. When my fiancée’s father got involved they ended agreeing to pay for the guests they wanted, but then a month later I found out that my fiancée’s father really couldn’t afford it and now I am the “Bad Guy” for wanting them to pay for there guests, which my fiancée’ had agreed with me at the time, but now he says he was just agreeing with me because he knew how adamant I was about it. I am so sick of this! Your thoughts?

Aymee,
I intentionally left outdetails of how complicated it was for me to approach his mother and communicate with her. Truth be told, it was much easier than I thought it would be. I could tell from your original post that your situation was much worse than mine.
1) I agree that your fiance needs to stand up for you. I feel that his silence his unfair to you and harmful to your relationship.
2) Even though your situation is more difficult than mine, I still feel that you need to continue to communicate with your fiance's family to resolve the conflict. It won't be easy, but it needs to be done.
I do not think that I have had enough experience with this to give you certain advice, but I can tell you how I communicate with people that refuse to listen to me. When I reach a point of impasse, I write. I write all of my feelings down and reread them over and over until I find a mature, non-attacking way to communicate...until I find something that the other person simply cannot be defensive or upset about. I write them a letter and in that letter ask them to read it a few times before responding. In your case, I would write a similar letter to your fiance...and maybe do that first.
I don't know if this will work for you...I tend to express myself better with written words than spoken frustration, so that might be why I've had some success. But, the nice thing is that you have the opportunity to say what you need to say, get feedback from others to verify that it is appropriate beforehand, and then remove the opportunity for a war to break out.
I don't think that there is very much you can do other than be persistent and mature. Let them know that you care about their opinion, maybe let them know that you want to resolve the conflict so that you and your husband-to-be can spend more time with them (as opposed to feeling pressured and uncomfortable around them which actually might result in them seeing very little of their son/brother). Don't make threats, but give them some positive reinforcement.
I'm sure you have approached your fiance repeatedly...try a different approach on him so that he truly understands how important this is to you. Let him know how much you need him and tell him exactly what you expect from him. To be honest, I don't think your fiance's intervention will heal these wounds although he might be able to get you in the front door. I think ultimately, you will have to do it directly.
As long-winded as this has been, I don't know if any of it will work for you, but I understand your pain and frustration.
I'm very interested to know what happens. Just make sure whatever you do, you are the mature one...maybe they'll stop acting like children some day.
Be strong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Aymee,

I don't blame you for feeling terribly uncomfortable around them. This is a terrible way to enter into what should be one of the most beautiful days of your life.

I'm not so sure I would even get married right now, but that is your decision. They are making it miserable for you.

This is just causing you to much uneeded stress.

What does your husband think?

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Sorry, I meant what does your boyfriend think?