My W and I knew each other for 5 years before we were married 8 months ago. We're both 25. She has a little bit of a problem with depression now and then, but I fear this may not have to do with one of her depressed moments (but maybe it is, but I know she hasn't been taking her regular perscription stuff lately, so perhaps it's clouding things?) She said for a while she's been feeling different, meaning she claims to be starting to realize what type of person she is. She says she's changed a bit and that she says she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's IN love with me. Its' been bottled up in her for about 3 months. She explained that I'm not being romantic as well. The past few months have felt a little distant. We haven't been able to get intimate for the past month+ due to her getting on a program to donate her ovaries to a needy friend who has been trying to have a baby for a long time, but can't. She's been taking medicines that has been made her extra tired during this process and she just finished it about 7 days ago. So I dunno what's going on here, but it doesn't sound like her, but the things that were spoken of were extremely hurtful and worrysome for me. I don't want to lose her. I think now that she's back on a normal schedule I'd like to try and do more things with her. Thursday I sent flowers to her work and help kick off some romanticy I can give to her. The day after that it didn't seem to have much effect on her. Now I just feel it was simply a waste of $$ going through the trouble. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

On the 4th of July she didn't even want to be with me and all of our family together. When we got to my parent's house (also her parents were there too and everyone) she all of the sudden decided she wanted to go home. Alone. We talked in the car for a good 10 minutes and then finally I said if she really wants to go home then to take my keys and go if she really wants to be alone. So she did. That night she was maybe gonna come back to light off fireworks, but decided it would be more fun to hang out with some people from work at a casino (which she never goes to). I stayed with my parents. She just doesn't seem to want to be around me right now.

She now calls me "sweetie-pie" when she talks to me. She never called me that. If I could break it down I would define it as (Sweetie-Pie: I don't wanna hurt you, but we have some problems and I don't know how I even feel about you anymore, but want to feel sympathetic about you, even though I don't seem to care right now because I'm thinking about me and not what it's doing to you)

I know we all have down times where we just wonder what the heck we're doing on this planet and what our purpose is and are we doing the right things, but this was a little more than something like that.

I told her to take whatever time she needs to think things over today. Just today [Sunday] she also revealed to me that she doesn't want to renew the rent on our apartment together. This really makes me so sad. I think she wants to go and stay with her sister for a while. It sounds like she wants to separate for a while. This doesn't sound very good at all. I'm just really starting to lose it here and need some help. The love void that was once filled in my life seems to me crumbling and I don't want this. This has been going on strongly with her for 6 days straight now. I have come to the conclusion that I don't think this has any longer to do with getting off any medications or whatnot from previous.

Please help. My life is going downhill fast. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ben

<small>[ July 06, 2003, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: Spirit of Ben ]</small>

You need to start trying to take care of your needs. It takes two people to make a marriage work. One can't do it alone.

IMHO, she has started planning for a life without you. Perhaps you should start planning for a life without her.

My wife's been in a hospital for the past two days now. When I laid all the cards on the table and she still wasn't sure about things she had decided in a nutshell that perhaps it would be best to not have this anymore if she doesn't even knows what she wants out of life.

Soon after this while she was at work I got people together and we moved my stuff out and when she got home I think something started to hit her. Anyway to make a super long story short she OD'd on some vicatin and tried cutting herself up because she didn't know what was wrong with her. My mom happened to be there and called an ambulence. If she wasn't there I don't know what would have happened to her. She's now under evaluation and staying there for a few days. Everyone's so happy she's sthere. She honestly doesn't know what's going on in her head and how she could be thinking these things toward us. I have to go in to talk to her and a social worker late this morning to see where things are gonna go. I just hop ethis meeting isn't a big waste of time. I don't wanna be heard, I want answers.

God I'm in such turmoil. I worry so much about what's gonna happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I withdrew from my classes this summer to be with my W in this time of difficulty.

Anyway I'll respond again soon. I'd really appreciate your thoughts or advice. I haven't been eating or sleeping well at all lately and over the past month have lost almost 20 pounds.

What a mess.

You say that you have been married for eight months, but you knew your wife for five years before that. Did she ever have these kinds of breakdown episodes before? Does she have a history of suicide attempts? You mentioned that she has stopped taking whatever prescription she was on, which might be a reason why you started experiencing the troubles you have.

You and your wife are going to need a strong support network. Have you spoken with her parents, or yours?

I would recommend getting a concrete plan of action together - involve the social worker in this - on how your wife and you are going to handle the transition from the hospital back to your home.

And make sure you are taking care of yourself as well - resting enough, exercise, eating right. You are going to need your strength.

Regards,
rs0522

Welcome Ben!

It sounds like your wife is suffering from a mental illness. That is going to be hard on both of you but it sounds like your W(wife) is getting medical help now. That is very good. Tell the doctors and the social worker EVERYTHING about her strange behaviour and medical background. They will need that information to help her.

There are a handful of people around here dealing with mental illness, our own or our spouses. There is hope. It will be tough but there is hope. Hang in there. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. Take care of your health. Don't blame yourself!

Hi Ben,

My husband is in the hospital right now too.
We have been married 2 years. I see you have been married 8 months. You are seeing the reality of her illness. Just as I just saw my H's. He had been stable the whole 5 years I had known him. I look back and see little bits of his illness, not making right decisions, making me angry, but nothing too shocking until 9 days ago.
6 weeks ago my husband started getting depressed,
no emotions, withdrawing. He was taking a very potent med for his liver back then, that started his kidneys malfunctioning, white cells up, red blood cells down. And due to his mental illness it was a big risk to take the med anyway, but he wants his liver healed so bad, that they decided to try it. It was not good. Well soon after the doctors got him off that med, and his blood back in the right shape, he still seemed different. I just kept saying "he isn't the same man I married, what is happening???"
9 days ago, he was having thoughts of suicide for 2 days with out telling me, then when he did tell me, I made him call the Dr.. Dr. said if it gets worse call him back. Later that afternoon it did get worse while he was in another town, he had thoughts of ramming the car into a tree, and he took himself to the Hospital. When I got there he was hallucinating, and having delusions also. I had never saw him so ill. And I was very worried. He also admitted to me and the Dr., that he wasn't taking his zyprexa as prescribed the way he was supposed to.
So that had something to do with it too.
I notice you said your W may have not been taking her meds the way she should have??
What meds was she taking?
I'm sure your wife just didn't realize what was happening to herself, and was spiraling downhill quick. And you didn't realize it either. It may have to do with her ovaries being removed, with the depression also. It's not surprising not to feel anything, when depressed, thats why she wanted to be alone, showed no emotion (flat).
After she gets the treatment in the hospital, she will feel better I HOPE!!! Then you and her can better work on your marriage.
My husband is doing much better now, and will be returning home next Tues. Can't wait <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I'm just now being able to talk to my husband again and make new plans, and new beginnings again. We kindof lost each other in all the illness. But we're getting each other back now Don't give up on her and take care of yourself!!

I hope the best for you both as one!!
((((hugs of healing to you both)))),

Ladysheep

Hey guys,

You don't know how much your responses and thoughts have meant to me reading on the boards. It has been ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH. In a nutshell here's what's happening now:

1. She just got released yesterday and I took her with me. The reason for releasing her was they felt she wasn't a danger to herself anymore and that she can now begin the real treatment of talking to a professional, which is great. She's doing this later this morning actually.

2. I've spent so much time (despite how tough it's been for me to) reminding her of the time and history we have together and how happy we've truly been. It's hard to try and clear one's mind that is foggier than smog in L.A.

3. As difficult as it was, I spoke to this guy she supposedly was seeing briefly (which was during her weird time of doing stuff that just isn't her at all). He very willingly wanted to step away from all this and was actually dusturbed to hear what she had done. Believe me it was the hardest damn thing to talk to someone interested in MY WIFE. I had to see where the hell he was coming from and figure out why someone with such low morals would even think about mixing up with a married person. Suprisingly the guy sounded reasonable and WANTED to back off. He even talked to my W and broke everything off. As difficult as it was talking to that guy, I felt I had a say in this and wasn't willing to give up what we have and that mentally right now she's extremely vunerable and needs to be around the right people to think about what she wants.

4. My W really wants to make things work. I want to make it work too, but I want both of us to have true feelings and not be fake with her thoughts toward me, so she knows this. She's slowly starting to get her head back on straight and now the process begins for recovery and rebuilding the relationship and trust and loyalty to one another.

You guys share stories of great difficulty with me and it's helped me look at this situation and it helps confirm that mental illness can really do damage if it isn't treated properly. The current medication she's on is Celexa, but she's gotta take it daily and eventually I'll build a trust with her again in knowing she'll be taking it on a daily basis without me reminding her, but that will be a while. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all. I think the road to recovery has begun and we can start building again.

Good to hear that things are looking up for you both. It will continue to be rough but you can make it. Now is a good time for you to start reading. Read this site (not just the board). Also learn about your W's illness. (Check on the net or in your local bookstore.) It's going to be tough. Your W is going to feel scared and guilty as the seriousness of her actions hit her. This is normal. You will also need support ... and a safe place to vent when things aren't going well. Stick around.

Hi Ben,

I'm glad things are going better for you both.
I agree with Stable to learn all you can of your wifes illness. It will help you to see signs of her slipping again. I'm sure the Dr's and counselors will help you with that also.

I take Celexa also. It's very important for her to take every day. Even if I miss a day, I can feel it. It's a downhill spiral if not taken at all.

It will take time for things to feel more normal, but stick in there, and support her.
She will have her ups and downs, but your being understanding, and communicating with her will make all the difference in recovery for her and you.

God Bless You's,

Ladysheep

Just out of curiosity was your wife taking hormones (estrogen) to help with the ovary donation? Female hormones can set a sensistive person off the edge and may explain some of her depression and behavior if she had no previous history. Something to keep in mind: When you two are planning kids pregnancy might throw her for a loop as well and she might need to mention it to the ob/gyn so they can be aware of it. Most of the time they will reccomend stopping all medications for the benefit of the child and if she needs antidepressants it may be a difficult time for her. (But hopefully not)

I'm gonna post a separate topic on this, but this also has been bugging me...

This other guy she WAS seeing briefly is sorta in the mix of things right now. She hasn't been out with him at all recently or anything, but she seems to be having trouble figuring out what she wants emotionally. I'm being as patient as I can here, but I can't help, but be bothered that she even thinks of this other person from time to time. Maybe you guys can help in relation to what she's been going through...

Recently we have been intimate and it's been great, but this morning she revealed that she doesn't know why she doesn't want to have sex with me. And I told her, "Well we have for the past few days!" But what bugged me that she said was, "Yeah, well you needed it." That really kinda hurt me because it sounded like she just did it out out just wanting to relieve my sexual frustrations. She says her mind is there, but her heart doesn't seem to be clicking with it right now. A piece of her is just not there right now and a chunk of her heart is feeling something for another (seemingly), but her mind isn't set on it. This is just so frustrating and confusing for me that I don't know what to think of it. We have such a history and have been inseperable from day one. I just don't see how all this can just be almost disregarded in her confusion with things right now. She knows she doesn't want to be alone, but what frustrates me is that she can't seem to just KNOW it's going to be with me 100% for sure. Is this all part of the process of healing in this sort of illness. On top of things she talks to this other person on a friend to friend basis (I'm not jealous of her with guy FRIENDS, but this situation is a bit different. I'd rather they just not talk for a while). It's not necessarily him calling, but she's doing some calling as well, but she's letting me know of this and that she's trying to sort it all out. She seems to be away from being interested in continuing to be with this person, but her thoughts cloud her judgment and she really needs to work it out. I told her I'd rather she not talk to him given the situation right now and that I'm trying to be as cool as possible.

I dunno. I feel complete with my wife, but whenever she gets to talking with him at all it makes my stomach cringe and twist and I feels like eating spoiled food. Just not cool.

Any thoughts or suggestions? Anyone else go through something like this in conjunction with depression and hormonal effects? I can't help, but just feel real crappy about all this. My feelings just can't help, but be hurt whenever this crap comes up. Over the past few days we've been having a wonderful time together and going out and doing things. It's jut hard to believe she would still get these odd thoughts in her head. It's just scary right now.

thanks again.

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: Spirit of Ben ]</small>

Hi Ben,

It seems there may be a mixture of the 2 problems with your wife.

1. She is spending time talking to this OM, and I can understand that it makes you very uncomfortable, to the point of sick to your stomach. And you asking her to have No Contact with him is only right. What did she say when you asked her not to contact him at this time? Do you think she is having an Emotional Affair with him?

2. Being she has depression and hormonal problems, yes that could be the reason for the lack of sexual drive. I have depression too so I can relate to that. Many times I have been depressed to the point of numbness, not being able to feel anything. It also can be a side effect to certain medicines. Check her medicine pamphlet for side-effects, and see what you find. I'm not sure about hormonal imbalance, but that could cause the lack also I'm sure.

Please don't take it personal what she said about the intimacy and doing it for you, but herself not feeling it. She doesn't even realize why she is not feeling. I was the same way, and during times of relapse into depression, it happens again.
When it was happening I wouldn't realize it either, and I would just wonder "What is happening to me?"
That was very unselfish of her, and she did think about your needs, even though she isn't being able to feel much at this time. So be thankful for that.

You may feel like the slightest thing is going to upset her, but she does need to know that her talking to the OM is upsetting you and the marriage.

Ladysheep

Ladysheep,

In response to your questions:

1. She is being really responsive with me on this and I'm glad she isn't hiding it. I finally called her shortly after writing my last post and said (to the effect of), "Hey, I just have to get this off my chest. I think it's a horrible idea that you two keep in contact at all especially in the condition you are in trying to clear your mind. This other guy only has one type of feeling for you and if you let this talking continue he's gonna pursue it further and I don't like you guys talking at all. I am asking... I am telling you to please not even contact this guy. Until you get your mind clear stay away from contacting him. You need to know how I feel and that it really upsets and hurts me when he's even talking to you, so please stop calling or vice versa with him. It's not cool at all." She agreed to it and she also apologized and doesn't know why she is acting so stupid and thinks I am treating her so well. But I still firmly just had said to just not talk to this guy right now. It truly is damaging on me. I'm glad I got that out. i was able to eat a semi-decent lunch after that without feeling like I need to throw up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

2. I'm aware of the side effects, but the emotional thought that she didn't really desire it is kinda what bugged me.

You have some great insight to all this and I look forward to your next response.

Thanks so much for taking the time. You put some good feelings into me despite my frustrations right now.

Hi Ben,

Wow, that was good how she responded. I think she is beginning to understand. And I'm glad you got it off your chest and feel better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I believe you do treat her well, and I can tell you have a lot of patience and love with her, which is needed right now.

As for her emotions. I really believe the depression, hormone imbalance, and possibly side effects to the medicine may be causing the lack of drive she is having. Really Ben, that is not uncommon. She is fresh out of the hospital too, and a lot is happening in her body that she cannot be in control of right now, including making right decisions at times. She says she doesn't know why she is acting so stupid, I wouldn't say stupid is the word for it. She just knows she is feeling different, not like herself. She will be trying to figure out why. Please talk to her Doctors, and let them know her effects also, and they will also help you to understand. The desire is not gone because of you, so don't blame yourself. Let the Dr's know her lack of drive right now, and most times they will do something about that, they understand the frustration also. I've had to change medications for that same reason before.
It may take a while before you see her very healthy again, but the good thing is you are a loving, supportive husband. I know you want her back to being the woman you married, and through treatment and God's help we hope that happens soon.

Ladysheep

Ladysheep,

Thanks so much for everything. I never thought she was stupid either. Certainly stupid in the sense of what she did, but she isn't stupid and I let her know that.

I think it will be a while too before her drive gets back in gear. I always pray for sooner than later. It's difficult seeing her in that blah mood where she doesn't feel like doing those things as she normally would, but I'm sure it will be better in due time.

Thank you for all your advice and words. I'll let you know what happens as she gets progressively better.

One thing's for sure though... She ain't donating anymore eggs again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Ben,

Yes, I will be looking forward to hearing about her progress.

And yes, I agree, NO MORE EGGS!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Ladysheep

Ben,
Glad to hear that things are improving for you. I agree whole heartedly with ladysheep's advice, especially 'no contact'. Wishing you the best.