I have been dating a girl for almost a year. She has 2 kids (2 and 4), I do not have any. She has been married, I have not. I am trying to get to know her, but it seems her kids always get in the way in one way or another. We can and do go on dates, but getting and paying for a baby sitter is starting to get on my nerves. THe more serious we get, the more demanding that she becomes on me financially supporting her and the kids. SHe has since quit her job and is a stay at home mom. I do want a family, but I also want to be loved for me. SHe has said a million times to me that the kids cannot take care of themselves and that she has to do it. I feel as though I am just a pay check. She is first in my book, but I am 3rd in hers.
She says that I have assumed the financial responsibility because I discipline the kids. I discipline because I do not want them to get hurt and there needs to be some structure in their lives. Before me, kids ate when they wanted, went to bed when they wanted, and took food in their rooms. I made the kids go to bed early for 2 reason. 1. Because they needed to be in bed and not stay up till midnight and 2. Because they did stay up till midnight and we never got to spend time with each other without the kids.
She says I am not compassionate because I do not understand because I do not have kids of my own. I just think there are somethings that our parants did for us, that worked and we want to incorporate it in our families.
Finially, we just finihsed a hugh fight. SHe had the oldest kid call me on the phone and tell me that she was mad at me. I do not know if I can develope a relationship with children who are not going to repspect me and I do not know if I could raise them as my own. Also, the kids father has died so the kids do not have a dad other then me.

Thanks
Martin

Hi, welcome to Marriagebuilders. Kudos on recognizing the red flags in your relationship with this girl.
1. You referred to her as a "girl" so I take that to mean she is not really a responsible adult
2. You say the kids "get in the way." That's what kids do - unless you get a live-in, 24-7 nanny to do the parenting.
3. The mother of the kids is depending on you for financial support. You're resenting that. She wanted a knight in shining armor. You wanted to rescue her. It won't get better.
4. You want to be loved for yourself. You want your own family.
5. If you're the one imposing discipline structure and order on your girlfriend's kids, DONT. You aren't their Dad, even though you're playing the role. Their mom shouldn't have introduced you to them until she knew whether you were serious about a life together.
6. If you can't love those babies as though they were your own, do not continue in the relationship. And if you can't love them that deeply, it doesn't mean you're a bum. It means you have the insight to know that you are like most people. Most people love their own kids more than they love other people's kids.

Bye.

I really do love the kids and do not mind financially supporting them. THe problems is I do not even feel like I am dating. It is like I have been married for 40 years. There was never that romantic spark or that fun puppy love time. Things that most couples experence during dating and for a while in marriage. As far as the money goes, I am pretty tight. I am a planner. I belive God gives us money and we are to be good stewarts with it. I have been a breath of fresh air to her in that she has got everything she has wanted for herself and for the girls. Just becuase the money is there does not mean that we should spend it. Just because you did not have money and the girls did not get much does not mean you have to make up for it all right now. I have worked very hard for what I have andhave been blessed to a certain degree. It is just shocking to me that I person who I am not married to could spend money like that and I wonder what I would have to experence during marriage

Thanks Martin

Hi Martin,

I understand your situation. You came into the relationship to date the woman, and that's what you should have done only. She has since led you to support them, and you have done that.
I feel you shouldn't have done that. Now do you
feel stuck?

Martin you do have the choice to get out of it now. I understand that this is not what you obviously want. It's good you are not married.
A bit of advice for you....

1. When dating a woman w/ children don't support the children. That's for marriage if you
ever commit to that. It's expensive to support 2 children also, and it will wear on your finances. It's her and dads place to financially support, not the dating boyfriend.

2. Never discipline a single mothers children.
I have been married for 2 yrs. and we keep it at me disciplining my 13 yr old son, advice of therapist because it does cause problems. Causes no problems when I do it. My husband never questions my discipline.

3. Do not make commitments to children to soon.
You are there to date mom. Children get attached
very easily, so it's best to keep your distance
from children a little when dating.

4. Blended families are very difficult at times.
If it's not something you want, and you want to find the right one to start a family with than
that's o.k. It's your life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It's your
decision. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Take charge of your life, and don't let her do it for ya, it will lead you to a life of co-dependancy other that love. Meaning
she is already co-dependant on you. And you will become co-dependant and enabling and miserable if you allow it.

5. Don't think it's too late to back down out of the relationship now. You are not married.

This is something you and her are going to have
to talk about in great detail. It will be hard
to all of a sudden to go to not financially supporting her and children, to not discipling,
to not allowing the children to get to close to
you, and she will probably resent your change.
But you have to do what is safe, healthy and
right for you mostly. If you are not liking this
all now you need to let her know in a kind gentle way.

I understand, most single men w/out children
are waiting for that one they can start a family
with. It's easier for men w/ children already
to go into a blended family, than it is for you.

Hope you make the right choice for you.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

hey, I have natural children with my h but I also have divorced brothers (all 3 of them) I have seen the blended families.

First of all, she in my opinion has taken things to a greater level than she should have in a years time. It sounds like she was very happy being married and staying with her girls but she must realize that you are not her h, and these children although you've bonded with them are her responsibility.

If you really don't mind helping out to a degree, tell her she must get a job and contribute. Do you live with her? If so you are responsible for half of the utilities and rent. If she has a car payment..it's hers, and she too is responsible for her half of the bills. Of course I'm not saying that if you wanted to take them to dinner she should pay for her daughters meal, if you wanted to do that, that's fine.

The problem I see here is...she has involved you in the childrens lives, and I do agree too soon. There seems to be a bond between you and the children, which is great but insist that they call you by your first name until you completely made a marriage commitment to her. When you do marry a person w/children you marry the children also, and she is right to put her kids before you, you can take care of yourself and they can't. My brother married a woman who doesn't fully accept his then 5 yr old son and my brother stayed out of it which was wrong, she was an adult, and this was a 5 yr old child who couldn't fend for himself.

I really think you sound like a great guy, you aren't sure that you want all of this responsiblity right now which is your choice, but you have to talk to her about your feelings. I agree with others she is definately crossed that line, and it isn't your responsibility to support her and her children.

I hope things work out...Angel

Martin, you may be getting in to something that you wished you wouldn't have later. You are exactly right by saying that you are third in her life. It will be this way for as long as her kids are alive. I've dated several girls who have kids and it's always been a hassle for me. I don't have any and I made sure i didn't have any with my past girlfriends. I am now married to a wonderful girl who has no kids and I wasn't about to get serious with a lady who did have kids. If they are not yours, then the fact will always remain that they are not yours. My personal advice would be to only date this girlfriend. If you decide to look for another lady to get serious with, make it a point to not get serious with a mom. On the other hand, i have heard of men who can happily father kids who are not their own.