This July I got engaged to a wonderful 41-year-old guy who is exceptionally good at several things. He works in another country as a teacher now, and we are in touch over phone (abt twice a week) and and e-mail (almost everyday).

In all his e-mail messages, which are always very short, and phone calls, he tells me how busy he is and abt the long hours he keeps, and that he loves me. He is really that busy - he has just switched professions. But I learnt from my brother who visited him recently that my fiance does make time to relax, watch movies, dine out with friends, etc, (none of which he tells me abt) but not to send me more detailed e-mail, call more often or send the completed wedding application.

I also learnt that the reason he is so busy is that he has volunteered to take up several challenges at his school, some of them unnecessarily, in all the various activities that he is good at.

also, he likes telling his students and colleagues abt me. it looks like he is more comfortable communicating with an audience than he is communicating with me. His school is more aware of how excited he is about his upcoming wedding than I am.

He leads a very full life (researching, teaching, coaching athletics and several sports, playing exhibition matches, escorting classes on field trips or to discos and movies, conducting retreats, preaching, church choir, organizing parties and party games) that leaves him with no spare time or energy. he finds it difficult to answer very basic questions, such as his travel dates. I have no idea of his schedule or what he does outside his school, no idea that he gets spare time till very recently.

He always tells me he's busy, that he loves me and that he'll get back to me soon. He is not particularly close to his family and does not have close friends apart from his ex-landlandy of seven years.

I have told him that this lack of communication hurts. He has responded by sending short e-mails everyday. Though he shows concern and asks if I'm hurt, I now feel embarrassed to tell him so. I've stopped expecting anything of him so that I'm not disappointed if he does not do it.

I love this man and want a happy marriage. I am not interested in trying to change him. But I'd love to learn what motivates him to be this way, what I must look out for, and how I can cope with his traits.

Hi Sunkisd,
Is this the first marriage for both of you? How much time have you spent to together?
If you feel any uncertainty about marrying this man, slow down. Take the time to resolve your confusions, doubts, and the hurt that you feel BEFORE marriage. Spend some quality time reading the concepts on this web site and understanding what it is going to take to make your marriage work. I'd highly recommend pre-marital counseling...all couples should do this even when there are no apparent problems (there are almost always problems, sometimes you just have to dig to reveal them before they explode in your face). I understand that you live in different countries and so counseling and communication is a problem...but, isn't a successful marriage worth the wait?

Smile

i would suggest that you get to know your future husband better. from what you have posted, it is obvious he takes his career extremely serious. maybe this is something to consider before you get married. ask him many questions about this and insist for his honest answers. it will be benificial for both of you to be completely open and honest about this issue before getting married. i found out as much as i possible could about my wife before we became married. when dealing with a life long commitment, i suggest a person do whatever is necessary to find out all that he can about this commitment.

Me: 33, first time
Him: 41, second
met: April 2003

Thanks for your advice. Went through the articles in this site. They were very helpful. He's a great guy - everything i could have hoped for - and definitely worth

Me: 33, first time
Him: 41, second
met: April 2003

Thanks for your advice. Went through the articles in this site. They were very helpful. He's a great guy - everything i could have hoped for - and definitely worth the wait. We got talking last week and he finally told me how stressed he has been with this new role, partly because he's taken on too many responsibilities and more because his supervisor and he seem to be having major disagreements. He is a sensitive man, and is hurt and anguished, worried abt failure in this new job, and embarassed to talk abt it. We have loads to talk abt, and have just got started. And i know i need to love him more NOW. Thanks to all of you. You have been great. Do remember him/us in your prayers.