My husband and I have been married for just about 2 years. I have one child and he has 2. He was married before I was not. His ex-wife is very nasty and cruel. My child's father is never and has never been around. I am a daycare provider of 12 children, and have many other family and other children in my life that I love with all my heart. But, I hate my husbands children. they come and destroy our house, because they are not taught things at home. They call me nasty very mean names. they are 4 and 5 years old. My husbands little boy got kicked out of kindergarten for beating up a classmate. The little girl is very shy, and hates me and tells me. Just before we got married, my husbands children were being sexually abused by the mothers boyfriend at the time.(there was a investigation but not enough evidence to convict) My husbands little boy Jonathon, asked to see my son's privates and touched it and etc. I turned it into the sheriff in our town a report was done and the mother informed me that she will do anything to get rid of me and ruin my life, because I just made a report I didn't file anything, I wanted something on record about where the kids would have learned this to do it to other people. The County Social Services is involved in there life for the mother (husband's ex) has married a very abuse husband and is not a very good mother. The ex-wife has now been telling the kids that my son Noah sexually abused my husbands 2 kids (my son is 5 years old) She tells them she will give them treats/toys if they keep secrets and tell lies the little girl Cierra told us that. I am so confused, because I care for 12 kids and many more family and love all of them but I hate my husbands kids. What are we suppossed to do? I am ready to give up, because I am tired of all of the stuff with his kids? Is is wrong of me to ask him to choose me and my son or his kids? Because this is not a good envorniment for my son. Right now when my husband gets his kids every other weekend, he goes and stays with his parents or I go and stay with mine or friends. When is it time for a family? And what do we do to work this out? We have already consulted a lawyer, and that is not much good. We want to start counseling but it is to much money to afford it. Thank you very much and God Bless you

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 07:21 PM: Message edited by: TinaM ]</small>

Hi Tina,
I can understand you being frustrated with the situation, but hating your husband's kids is a bit harsh. The kids need some sort of counseling and you all need counseling as a family. I know it can be expensive. Do you attend a church regularly? Most times, churches offer counseling for free with the pastor. The children might need some specialized care however.Perhaps the schools have counselors? Do you have insurance that could help with the cost? The children are very young so they are only relaying what they are being taught. I know you can barely stand the every other weekend you have now, but MAYBE what the kids need is MORE time with you, to counteract what the ex has been teaching/telling them.

I know that it sounds harsh which is why I am having a very hard time with it. The kids are already in counseling/play therapy and Social Services through the county they live in. I know they are only relaying what they have been taught and what they learn from the people that they are with on a more regular basis. Just like my kids in my Daycare learn so much from me since most of them are with me 10-12 hours a day. If what they need is more time with me to counteract what has been told to them and what they are learning from the ex. How do I deal with how they treat me and the things they say to me without it upsetting my son and him learning things that they do that is not allowed. like the name calling and them telling my son that they hate me and that there mommy hates me and etc. and there behavior in regards to distroying things in the house because mommy tells them to. Thank you so much for you response, it helps me with decisions that I need to make and things my husband and I need to talk about. We do have insurance, but a $1000 deductible. We go to Trinity church on a somewhat regular basis. But we need to go more. Thank you again anything else will be greatly appreciated.

Hi Tina,
I'm not yet a mother and so I'm just brainstorming a little. You seem to be thinking in extremes...hating a 5 year old and thinking about making your H choose between you and his kids.
First of all, I think it is wrong to ask him to choose. He has a responsibility to those children that he helped bring into this world and he will ALWAYS have a responsibility to them. If you cannot deal with that, than you should be the one that has to make the difficult decisions.
Is it possible to keep your kids separate from your H's kids? Can the time spent with his kids be either away from home or during a time when you and your children are away?

I think that the most mature and probably most difficult thing to do is to take some courses in child development and troubled children and make the efforts to help his children. A 4 and 5 year old doing these kinds of things need lots of help...not people running away from them and hating them. You married a man with children from a previous marriage and when you did that, I personally think you obligated yourself to their lives, as well...as much as it hurts. If having those children around is having a negative influence on your children (obviously it is), then keep the children separate, but I think telling your H to choose is absurd and unreasonable. He DOES need to do everything he can to have a postive influence on the children and help them behave appropriately, but at 4 and 5, there's only so much he can do while his ex-wife is causing so many problems.
Take care,
Smile

I understand those things which is why I have said it would be better if I just leave but he doesn't want me to. I knew marrying him that I also committed to those children also, I have and I have given up many things in my life for them. which is why I am having a hard time with it. I do daycare and have taken many child development classes. and I am a liscensed foster care parent. I also grew up in a Blended home. Which is why I am not sure what to do with the situation. We have been spending just about a year apart and then when we think everything will be fine, we have a weekend together as a family and then more stuff is done or wrecked or lied about. The last time we were together, my husbands son, slashed our new van's seat all the way across it. the time before that he wrecked his new toy box and toys he broke, and the time before that he broke the window out of our new van's drivers side window with a rock. These are the few times that we have been together as a family in the last year. Please help anything else would be appreciated.

I'm in a similiar situation, my husband has one son and I have one son from a previous marriage. I completly understand your frustration and I sympathize. I think that you should take control of your home. You and your husband need to come together and not seperate. If you separate when the children come your showing the his kids that you are expedible. That they can do things that make you go away. I take it that you love your husband very much becuase your trying. He needs to discipline them when they say they hate you. You two are the authoruty. Don't let misguided children destroy your marriage. Also do not under any circumstances engage in any contact with his ex. Every time you do your feeding the fire. This same thing has happened to me. My husbands son hated me. He was mean, but it wasn't the child it's the child's teacher.(mother) Ignore her exsistance. She sounds like she is crazy and selfish just like my husbands ex. Don't give her the control of ruining your marriage thru her children. As far as your son goes. Maybe he can stay with Grandma for the 1st few weekends you spend with the kids. After a few weekends of you and your husband standing strong together (as a unit) they will start changing their behavior and you can allow them to be around your son. I also had the same concern and we still have small issues that we are still working on. I hope you can get through this and keep your marriage going.
I know how you feel and I know it's devastating but you can get through it if you work together. Good Luck

Thank you so much for your advice, it means a lot that someone is in the same situation. It is very hard and I love my husband very much. Thank you so much. We will try that.