Hi, I've just hit my six month anniversary of being married...and thus far, things have been far from perfect. My major difficulty is in meeting my husbands need for admiration and praise...because of that, all other aspects of our marriage are suffering, and none of my needs are being met because he has become withdrawn. We seem to have the same discussions over and over, and it is making me feel like progress is contingent on me instead of us. He feels that if I start doing what I need to do, then everything else will just fall in to place. Problem is, I don't know how to offer praise that sounds sincere. By nature I am critical, but I think my husband is great. He is intelligent, and a good provider and I love spending time with him (when we aren't arguing), and I think all those things, but I don't know how to voice them. He is really sensitive, and sometimes I feel like a bull in a china shop with his feelings. However, I also feel kinda hopeless, because I don't think he has faith in me that I'm trying to make things better, which doesn't exactly give me the motivation to make things better. Has anyone gone thru this?

I have had and still have the same issue in my marriage. We have been together for 2 and half years and married for a month and this issue is a big one for us too. My H says that I always tell him when he's wrong but never when i am pleased with him. Basically i never praise him. I have been working on it and it's hard. What I do is whenever a positive thought crosses my mind I try to just say it. It's hard to do but it's helping. It comes from my child hood I think. Noone in my family ever discussed positive things or gave compliments so it's been hard for me to do. Just say the things that come to your mind. i hope it works for you. (and me)

HI I am new to the site and am so glad i found it. I have been married for ten years and have recently started having this problem. The other day I made a list of the things I admire about my husband. Every day before I start my day, I read the list and make it a point to call him once during the day and somehow fit that admiration in. I also tell him again once I get home. It has been difficult because he has hurt me and isn't meeting all my needs, but I figure I have to start somewhere. Does anyone out there have any more ideas?? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newlywed23:
<strong> Hi, I've just hit my six month anniversary of being married...and thus far, things have been far from perfect. My major difficulty is in meeting my husbands need for admiration and praise...because of that, all other aspects of our marriage are suffering, and none of my needs are being met because he has become withdrawn. We seem to have the same discussions over and over, and it is making me feel like progress is contingent on me instead of us. He feels that if I start doing what I need to do, then everything else will just fall in to place. Problem is, I don't know how to offer praise that sounds sincere. By nature I am critical, but I think my husband is great. He is intelligent, and a good provider and I love spending time with him (when we aren't arguing), and I think all those things, but I don't know how to voice them. He is really sensitive, and sometimes I feel like a bull in a china shop with his feelings. However, I also feel kinda hopeless, because I don't think he has faith in me that I'm trying to make things better, which doesn't exactly give me the motivation to make things better. Has anyone gone thru this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Wow, thanks for the responses...unfortunately, since I posted things have gone further downhill...HOWEVER...I've done a lot of self-examination in the last few days (partially due to the fact that my husband keeps telling me that I should really think about what I'm saying and why)...SO, in light of that I've been reflecting on my parents marriage. They've been together for over thirty years - none of which has been happy for either of them. All I heard from my mom towards my father was criticism, and vice versa. It's funny, cuz my husband will say things like 'you should know how to do this, it should come natural, I shouldn't have to tell you what to say to make me feel like a man'...the thing is, I DO!!! I've never seen or heard it done...so it isn't instinctive. I thought if I just worked hard to do the things my mom stopped doing (ie. keeping a clean house for my father, cooking nice meals, etc), I would have marriage down. The only thing I've succeeded in doing, is being a tidy roomate. Now I'm back tracking and doing research on what it takes to be a good wife, and how to communicate. Marriage is quite bizaare I am finding in that I can have great conversations with both sexes...but when it comes to my husband, it's hard for me to be just me, and say what I feel w/o him thinking that I am tearing him down. He says that since we got married all he's gotten is criticism and citations of everything he's down wrong. In retrospect, I realize he's right - took him saying it about a dozen times or more for it to sink in though! My goal is to build him up for the next six months and hope that I can repair the damage. Don't get me wrong, he isn't doing everything perfectly, but I do understand I'm making it very difficult for him to be loving towards me when he fears what I might say. I feel very sad and discouraged that I've done this to him, and I only hope that I can show him by words and actions that there is no one I admire more than him in this world...Hopefully he'll regain confidence in himself and our relationship. Is the first year difficult for everyone???
Thank you both for your advice - the list is a great idea...sometimes I lose focus of what he does do right...I need to focus on the good!!!
I know this has been a monster of a post, but I needed to get some of this out. Thanks for listening in cyber space!!!