This situation is very private to me so I thought I would put it here instead of telling anyone I know. I have a friend who is a swinger. Her and her husband. I told my husband about them and he thinks that we should expeiriment with another woman. he doesn't want to touch he justs wants to watch me with another woman. What bothers me the most is I'm scared of what it would do to our marriage. We have been together for 2 and half years but only married for a month. I just want to hear what anyone thinks about this issue

newlywed,

This is not a good idea. I'd see this as a boundary setting moment. Just make it very clear to your husband that your marriage and your bedroom activities can only be between the two of you. I've seen several situations where a wife tries to do something "special" for her husband like this and it usually leads to serious problems. And it's my belief that it starts to open that door in his mind that it's ok to involve other people in this aspect of your marriage. It just isn't worth the risk. And don't forget the fact that your friend and her husband are swingers and have an increased potential to give you an STD.

Newlywed-

I agree with Dobie. It's not a good idea to agree to this type thing. I've had several friends (all now divorced) who started at one point or another to tinker with their marriage contract. My experience is that even in the best of couples, it isn't a benign experience.

The person in my life who most comes to mind vis-a-vis your story is my sister. After being happily married for 12 years, my sister and her husband started providing lots of emotional support to her brother-in-law and his wife who were breaking up. This other couple prooved to be a bad influence in many ways. Eventually, my sister and her husband decided (at the urging of the other couple) to liven things up by having a woman join them for sex.

It did not turn out as planned for as much as they both thought they would remain objective, it hurt her husband. Next, they upped the ante by having another man in the room. Again, her husband was just watching (well, and suffering emotionally) and finally, he had some sort of mental break and ended up sleeping with his own brother (my sister's brother-in-law from earlier in this story.) The marriage broke up slowly, painfully, and caused tremendous harm to both parties who hold each other responsible. My sister feels her husband was really openning the door to cheating and when he finally did it himself, was able to throw back at her the times she had transgressed even though he had wanted it.

The point of my response is two-fold. First, you might want to reconsider those swinger friends. The values they hold do not support finding the gold in your own marriage with your own partner. Statistically, open marriages almost always fail in the long run and theirs will probably fail too. Second, you know in your gut that this choice may harm your marriage. You know what, YOU ARE RIGHT! It probably will. Even if you and your husband have enough love to survive it, why risk your love for a very uncertain result.

It sounds to me like you know in your heart that you don't want to do it. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for another is know your own limit and stick to it.

Good luck!

When I read this the first thing that came to mind was Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement.

I placed a link for it below. The policy supports that both spouses want to make the other happy. So neither wants to make a decision to do something that will be at the other's expense.

If you agree with your husband then try it. But if it makes you feel uncomfortable then it would be best to let him know it.

For me it would be a scary thing to venture into. I feel it would be like bringing voluntary infidelity in the marriage. If you don't enjoy sex with other women then how could you do it. How could he ask you to do it if you don't enjoy it? And is there a possibilty of living this type of lifestyle forever if your H wants it.

Wish you the best.

Sounds like a movie to me. And situations like that should remain in the movies. I too have seen this type of thing destroy relationships. Wether it be due to resentment on the W's part or due to an attactment developing with the "Friend".

Speaking as a husband, I don't see how another H could want to share something so special that he has w/ his W with another, even if he is just watching.

The real question is, do you want to do it for you? If not then put your foot down.

I have been to a swingers club. I was drunk and really enjoyed the moment. But afterwards, all I could think about was this. When you sleep with someone, you sleep with them and everyone else they've ever been with. When it comes to swingers, you could be talking about a chain of hundreds maybe thousands. There are so many awful diseases in this world with out a cure, that a condom won't stop. Herpes, vaginal warts, possibly HIV, etc.. Consider what would happen if one person in that chain of people, had one of these diseases, but was just more worried about personal gratification no matter the cost to everyone else. What do they care, they've got it already anyway. It's the world we live in. Are you willing to trust strangers, all it takes is skin to skin contact.

Hon, you gave me a really nice and honest reply to my post...so I'm going to try to do the same for you. Without bringing my own religious viewpoints into this discussion, I'd like to say that it isn't a good idea for several reasons. Firstly, this could destroy your self-esteem, not to mention your self-respect. When I married my husband, I was a virgin (he was not)...every once in awhile I get into a head space where I think about the women he has been with (not that there were many)...and it hurts. I never want to see any of them or hear anything about them. The situation you propose would be akin to inviting one of them, not only into my home but my bedroom. If your husband loves and cherishes you, he shouldn't show enthusiasm for such a thing. I agree with the other posts that only pain can come from such a venture. Marriage is a sacred union between two people...three's a crowd. There's plenty that you can do for your husband that doesn't involve a new playmate. Secondly, if you OK this venture, what will the next suggestion be??? How far will things escalate to, and what danger could be involved? Have the self-respect and self-esteem to know that you are enough for your husband and he should love you for saying NO, because it shows you place him in high regard as well. Marriage is difficult enough without adding a high risk lifestyle into the mix.
I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh, I just really wouldn't want to see you (or your husband) hurt. Read the info posted on Dr. Harley's site, I highly doubt that he would endorse such an endeavor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />