My husband and I have been married for 7 months now. I know they say that the first year is always the hardest. But lately things have taken a downward fall. We don't talk as much anymore and when we do it turns into a fight. I know he's not cheating on me, but I am so jelous of his girl friends. I don't want to lose him....I love him very much. He has been on anti depressants for about a month now. It seems to help his moods but I know he's not happy. Please give me some advise I really don't know what to do.

Is this a first or second marriage?

This is our first marriage for both of us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know he's not cheating on me, but I am so jelous of his girl friends </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What kind of relationship are you talking about here? Co-workers...internet...social>>>>>>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It seems to help his moods but I know he's not happy </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What kind of moods

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We don't talk as much anymore and when we do it turns into a fight. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are you fighting about

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has been on anti depressants for about a month now </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What kind and for what

A little more information on your situation can help others to give you advice and opinions based on their experiences.

SandmansAngel197924

Don't give up. Most relationships start off that way. My H and I didn't even make it through the 2nd day of our honeymoon before he pulled off his ring and through it in the floor saying he was sorry he'd ever married me. Our problems were over what a lot of marital problems start with - sex. I wanted it more than he did and he put me down for it. Plus, even though he'd been married before for 16 years to the same woman, he didn't know jack squat about sex. He thought he just climbed on and I felt the same thing he did - even with me telling him different.
Needles to say our soft conversations didn't last long and it was one fight after another about one thing and then another.
The only thing that has helped us is going to one of Dr. Harley's seminars and doing the work he says we have to do if we want our passion for each other back. (the passion only lasted about 3mos. before i lost it)
He had a series of books and each one of them is very helpful. If the two of you can start now "working" on it. Maybe you won't have to go through the same hell my H and I went through before we got started on the right path. It's been four years of living hell for me. Right now I have to take RX med just to sleep at night if we are in the same room. I sleep better in the day when he's gone than when he's home.
We went to the seminar Dr. Harley had in Orlando back in Sept. and the past week was the first time my H decided he was ready to start working on it even though neither of us really wanted to. We've spent more time hating each other than loving each other over the past four years.
Right now the lessons are the only thing holding us together. That and the fact that all the bills are in my name because he has sorry credit.
So I know that until the bills are paid (car,etc.) there's not much else I can do. That's depressing itself. But somehow I make it; not by my strength but by God's strength.
And to be perfectly honest, if I don't get to feel those feelings of passion again by the time the bills are paid - I'm out. The house belonged to me before he came along-paid for.
But according to Harley, if the needs are met and the love busters eliminated, a couple will feel that passion again within three months. So that's what I'm hoping for. But I've lived in hell long enough. I grew up in it with abusive/neglective parents and now I've married a man that seems to match them and put me through just as much hell as my parents did.
Pray for me and I for you. And please, seriously consider saving up the money and going to one of Harley's seminars and getting into his program before things get any worse for the two of you than they already are.
Sincerely,
RMW

Well let me see.....when we fight its about him talking to his "girl friend" (which is an ex-girlfriend.) and that fact that we never really talk. When I try to understand what is going on he gets quite. He puts his head down and never looks at me. The moods he gets in are like he's mad at me. He has an aditude in his voice when he saids something to me. I hate to say this but I have been reading his emails between him and his ex, and at first she was saying things like "I i ever got you alone I would take advantage of you" but he told her he couldn't do that and wouldn't do that. That made me feel good knowing that I can trust him. Then the emails went to him calling me "the spawn of satan" Which I don't understand. He saying that "I don't things are going to work out". She (his ex) went on to say that he shouldn't give up on me. That he married me for a reason not just because he was lonely. I know he loves me if can feel it in his touch and the way that he looks at me. He tells me it all the time. But why he can talk to his ex so freely and not me hurts.
Now he is on anti-depressants. One is Venlafaxine HCI and the other is Wellbutrin. He said in one of his emails that the reason he is taking these is to make him happy and not to yell at me when I say something stupid. I thought things were headed in the right direction until I saw these emails. I can't confrint him about them because he would be pissed if he knew I was reading his emails. I have saved all of them.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. We were so good together when we were dating. We dated for 1 year then got married. Now 7 months down the road our lives are falling apart. I'm lost, confused, hurt and I don't know what to do.

SandmansAngel197924

You say
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know what I'm doing wrong </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't only be concerned with what you are doing wrong(Love Busters). You also need to be concerned with what you're doing right. Make sure that you are doing your best to meet all of his Emotional Needs. Read all the information on this site and put it to work for you.

If you are always fighting about him talking to GF, then stop talking about it. Or find another way to discuss it.

<small>[ December 18, 2003, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

Let me ask you this....Is it wrong for me to be looking at his emails? This is the only way I can find out what is really bugging him. Like i said before he won't talk to me. And when I ask whats wrong he saids nothing. But he will freely tell his "friend" whats bugging him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is it wrong for me to be looking at his emails </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a pretty good sign of distrust but I can't be a good judge of wether it's right or wrong because my own insecurity led me to the same thing. Never found anything, but always looked.

I personaly think that it is wrong. I also think that it is wrong to be left feeling the need to.

It would probably be best for you if you don't know what is being said and concentrate on your M and making it better for both of you. You already know that there is some sort of connection between them and you should let it go at that.

Reading his e-mail, you may never find what you want, but you may end up finding something that you don't want to.

You are right...but its so hard not to look. I know I should stop. I do trust him.....to a point I know he will not cheat on me but I also know that he will talk poorly of me to his ex. am glad that now she is sticking up for me and telling him not to give up on us. That makes me feel a lot better. But then again she could just be saying that to get closer to him. I don't know...my mind saids so many things I don't know what to listen to anymore my heart or my mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also know that he will talk poorly of me to his ex. am glad that now she is sticking up for me and telling him not to give up on us </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He may also do this as a way to make himself feel better about being with you rather than her. If she has good things to say about you then he must be right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That makes me feel better....I never thought of it that way. I know he loves me. If he didn't we would have never gotten married. I see it in him. I guess its just something we need to work on. We are talking about going to a church for counsiling. The type of counsiling is called "Theophostic Ministry" From what I have read so far it seems to be something that will help a lot. Thank you so much for your advise. I really needed to hear what others thought. Thank you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We are talking about going to a church for counsiling. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forget the talk, just do it

Good luck! keep us posted on your success

I will.....I Promise <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good because you are to young to be in an unhappy relationship (197924). Not that age matters but you get an early start on making it right.

Yea I'm 24...he's 25.... I'm happy to be with him. I'm not happy with how our life is going right now.

I can understand the confusion. I have been married almost 11 years and we have had significant problems for the past 3 years(counseling off and on for past 2 years) One of our biggest problems has always been my husbands inability to tell me how he feels, esp. when it may lead to conflict. So now, we have 3 businesses, 4 houses, 2 children, and I the realization that we may never be able to fix this in a way that will be ok with me. I am very enthusiastic about life, animals, volunteering etc and my spouse is the complete opposite. I love him, he loves me, and we make good business partners but I'm still very confused about whether I want to be in this marriage forever or not. Tough decisions.

SandmansAngel197924

To your question whether or not it is wrong for you to read his emails. The definite answer is no. Dr. Harley says that there are to be no secrets is marriage. Absolutely none. He says that what is to be there is "radical honesty". I don't know how many of the people you get answers from are following his principles; But he says that radical honesty is a must for a relationship to survive. I don't know how much thought you've given to the seminar given by Dr. Harley or even his books. I never heard mention of it in your responses. If you can get your H to agree to go to a seminar (not counseling) then he might learn something without it having to come from you.
This may make you mad, but you can sit and write and listen to everything everone has to say and get more confused and give more time for the problem to grow bigger, or you can make a decision to at least try to find out what you can do on getting the help you actually need. So far none of the answers I'v read really gave you any direction. All they did was give you personal opinions. And when you have a set of rules that work in front of you and a set of varied opinions about what others think, which one will you opt to choose.
Is all you want someone to listen to you whine over and over again, or do you really want help to try to get things right?!
RMW

Right now money is very tight, so anything we do has to be free or very cheap. I know that sounds bad but I am without a job right now. I was working in the family business. But as I found out...working with his family was the biggest mistake I have ever made. His family will not accept me as one of them therefore treating me like crap. Everyone has thier special bonds and I'm the outsider because I am new to the family. I tryed making those bonds but it didn't work. I want help so very much but I also need someone to listen to me and give me thier advice. Sometimes just having someone there to listen helps you understand more. Marriage is a very new thing for us. And to looking at his emails...the reason I was asking if it was wrong is because he doesn't know I'm doing it. How can I sit here and read these emails but not be able to act apon how I feel when I do read them? If I tell him I am reading them he will be mad. I know what is being said in these emails is not right. Mainly because its about me and how he feels towards me but cannot tell me these things. I think its because he doesn't want to hurt me.
Last night we sat down and talked....I asked him what he wanted from me and what I could do to make him happy. He told me that what would make him happy was to see me happy. I have started to take St. Johns Wort to help me feel happy. I am happy with him, I love him. I'm not happy with how our life is going right now. Right now I need someone to listen to me. I have no one here where I live. I am new here, never been away from my family. Now the holidays are here and on top of our problems I'm depressed about not being with my family. I'm just rambling on now. I'm not mad at what you said I understand where you are coming from and a do apprciate the advise very much.

Sandman,

RMW is right, you do need to take action.

I don't think opinions hurt, sometimes its better to get an opinion than bad advice.(which I'm always afraid of giving)

Its good that he told you what would make him happy, but I don't think that it was the answer you wanted. Did you tell him what would make you happy?

Here's a good start at figuring out what the 2 of you want and need. And it's free <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Marriage Builders® Forms and Questionnaires

Have you checked with your church or local comunity groups. Maybe even a local Hospital to see what kind of services they have to offer someone in your situation.

I agree with the honesty, but I also agree with you about reading the e-mail without him knowing. This is making both of you dishonest about it.

and If you do need to come here just to vent, there is usually someone listening <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />