Sandman,

I do agree with Wishiwerehome. If you don't tell him then you are being dishonest. If money is so tight that you can't but a book to learn and read from then you probably do need a job. Even if that makes him mad. You cannot control him. In fact you are letting him control you and if things don't get better between the two of you, please understand that your feelings WILL change. It may take you two years for you to give up hope that it will just get better. But from the voice of experience, even pulling on all the power I could from God to ward off the bad feelings, they came. I didn't like it then, it scared me to death then, but they came. In fact I still don't like the bad feelings I have, but I let things go so far without taking action myself until now regardless of whether I like these feelings I have to deal with them. They are still there. And until or unless enough of the necessary changes are made, that's what my life consists of. Like it or not - my tough luck.
I understand what having tight money is all about. I was a single parent of two children for 10yrs, and only had 625.00 per month to do everything that had to be done. I had to figure out a way to make it work, I didn't have any choice.
I also understand about the in-laws. My inlaws are the same way you described yours. In fact the last time my H and I went down to visit them, he was discussing with them some things he didn't like, and when he was through, his mother started in on me. She said a lot of ugly things about me, yelling. All my H did was get up and give her a quick hug and then sat back down beside me. He never bothered to hold my hand, give me a hug, or defend me in any way. So I know how you feel about inlaws. They feel more like outlaws, free to do whatever they please with no consequences. There's nothing I can do about that.
At least you do have a good relationship with your folks. I don't even have that. I have what they call a china closet mom, you never know when a plate is going to come crashing down on you. And on top of that, she was never there for me. I can remember being punished just for crying for her because I was scared. She told me that if I ever did it again what the consequences would be. Well I did, and gueass what - I got what she promised. So I know what it feels like not to have anyone to turn to. At one point the stress in my life got so bad that I started having seizures - just from stress. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with my body chemistry or any damage in my brain to cause them. In fact the only lobe of my brain that had any extra activity in it was the right temporal lobe. The one that deals with emotions.
Anyway, enough said.
If you can't come up with enough money for a book yourself, maybe you could ask some of your family to but one for you. But even on the budget I had to work with for 10yrs, I managed to buy the books I needed to learn what I needed to know to turn my life around. In fact by the time I met my H my life was going pretty good. I did have to say no to things like sodas and snacks and had to be very picky about how I bought groc. and I had to tell two kids no to the sodas they wanted, even though they didn't understand. But I made it. I had to get out and do it, but I made it. And I made it alone. No friends, no support. All I had was church, my kids, and finally in 98 I found a county baptist association that offered counseling according to your income. But I had to get out and take it. It wouldn't take me. It was eight yrs of being alone and hopeless before I found that assoc.
After that, I finally mustard up enough gut to start taking part in the singles activities that the church had. That helped. There were still no understanding friends, but doing something I enjoyed helped a lot.
In a nut shell, what you've got to do is brainstorm (one of Dr. Harley's favorivte ideas) until you can come up with something that will help you get what you need. That's the only way I made it and it's the only way to make it.
Look for ways to get support where you are. Maybe a church would help. It helped me. And once I started off counseling and the counselor found out all of the ways I'd been abused as a child, she was astounded that I was in as good a shape as I was.
Of course when the second party comes in, they have a tendency to drag you down if that's how they behave. But you can't quit if you want to make it. I let my H make me the bad guy for too long before I stood up and let him know that some changes had to take place if we were going to make it. I was scared to death of the thought of being alone again- that's all I'd been all of my life. But I knew that being alone would be no greater hell than the one I was living in with him.
You can say you love him, you just don't like the way things are between you right now till you're blue in the face - I did. But it didn't get me anywhere except dealing with feelings of hate and resentment that I wish didn't exist.
Now it's up to you. Are you going to step out and try something - brainstorm all the pos. & neg. and prepare yourself for whatever lies ahead. Or are you going to just let it keep going the way it is and try to find reasons why you can't.
I'll promise that the later will not get you the results you want. The first might not get you exactly what you want, but there are very few cases in life itself where what you want is what you really get. You have to make adjustments, doing what is really best, and sometimes that is very hard to see when your in the mental condition you seem to be in right now. You want things back the way they were, but you don't know how to get them there. You probably feel desperate. That in itself can cause you to make decisions that are not good for either you or your H. So maybe a good pastor could give you some help. And Don't be satisfied with just one pastor's suggestions though, because sometimes even pastors have issues in life they haven't dealt with. The Bible says there is wisdom in much counsel. (not a little, but much) And picking up a Bible and reading a little won't hurt either. Make sure the pastor is giving you advice that comes from the Bible and ask for scripture references when they give it. That's their job, that's what the churches pay them for. So you won't have to pay one of them. Be careful to make sure that what they are telling you isn't a matter of them taking the Bible out of context to suit whatever problems that may be going on in their marriage.
The best way I've seen it all put together, where Biblical principles are met and clear instructions are given is in Dr. Harley's books.
Some of them make it more clear than others, but they are all good books.
Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, helps you understand just where the two of you are in the relationship. My H was a Freeloader and just didn't see it. That was the way he was raised.
Fall in Love, Stay in Love, pretty much sums up the basic concepts in two other books and makes them easier to understand if you read it first. Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs breaks down what Fall in Love Stay in Love has to say and gives you exercises to do. And any information I can email to you directly from the things I have, I will be glad to give.
Take Care
Hope you can sit down and think things through rationally and come up with something.
RMW

Sandman,

I do agree with Wishiwerehome. If you don't tell him then you are being dishonest. If money is so tight that you can't but a book to learn and read from then you probably do need a job. Even if that makes him mad. You cannot control him. In fact you are letting him control you and if things don't get better between the two of you, please understand that your feelings WILL change. It may take you two years for you to give up hope that it will just get better. But from the voice of experience, even pulling on all the power I could from God to ward off the bad feelings, they came. I didn't like it then, it scared me to death then, but they came. In fact I still don't like the bad feelings I have, but I let things go so far without taking action myself until now regardless of whether I like these feelings I have to deal with them. They are still there. And until or unless enough of the necessary changes are made, that's what my life consists of. Like it or not - my tough luck.
I understand what having tight money is all about. I was a single parent of two children for 10yrs, and only had 625.00 per month to do everything that had to be done. I had to figure out a way to make it work, I didn't have any choice.
I also understand about the in-laws. My inlaws are the same way you described yours. In fact the last time my H and I went down to visit them, he was discussing with them some things he didn't like, and when he was through, his mother started in on me. She said a lot of ugly things about me, yelling. All my H did was get up and give her a quick hug and then sat back down beside me. He never bothered to hold my hand, give me a hug, or defend me in any way. So I know how you feel about inlaws. They feel more like outlaws, free to do whatever they please with no consequences. There's nothing I can do about that.
At least you do have a good relationship with your folks. I don't even have that. I have what they call a china closet mom, you never know when a plate is going to come crashing down on you. And on top of that, she was never there for me. I can remember being punished just for crying for her because I was scared. She told me that if I ever did it again what the consequences would be. Well I did, and gueass what - I got what she promised. So I know what it feels like not to have anyone to turn to. At one point the stress in my life got so bad that I started having seizures - just from stress. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with my body chemistry or any damage in my brain to cause them. In fact the only lobe of my brain that had any extra activity in it was the right temporal lobe. The one that deals with emotions.
Anyway, enough said.
If you can't come up with enough money for a book yourself, maybe you could ask some of your family to buy one for you. But even on the budget I had to work with for 10yrs, I managed to buy the books I needed to learn what I needed to know to turn my life around. In fact by the time I met my H my life was going pretty good. I did have to say no to things like sodas and snacks and had to be very picky about how I bought groc. and I had to tell two kids no to the sodas they wanted, even though they didn't understand. But I made it. I had to get out and do it, but I made it. And I made it alone. No friends, no support. All I had was church, my kids, and finally in 98 I found a county baptist association that offered counseling according to your income. But I had to get out and take it. It wouldn't take me. It was eight yrs of being alone and hopeless before I found that assoc.
After that, I finally mustard up enough gut to start taking part in the singles activities that the church had. That helped. There were still no understanding friends, but doing something I enjoyed helped a lot.
In a nut shell, what you've got to do is brainstorm (one of Dr. Harley's favorivte ideas) until you can come up with something that will help you get what you need. That's the only way I made it and it's the only way to make it.
Look for ways to get support where you are. Maybe a church would help. It helped me. And once I started off counseling and the counselor found out all of the ways I'd been abused as a child, she was astounded that I was in as good a shape as I was.
Of course when the second party comes in, they have a tendency to drag you down if that's how they behave. But you can't quit if you want to make it. I let my H make me the bad guy for too long before I stood up and let him know that some changes had to take place if we were going to make it. I was scared to death of the thought of being alone again- that's all I'd been all of my life. But I knew that being alone would be no greater hell than the one I was living in with him.
You can say you love him, you just don't like the way things are between you right now till you're blue in the face - I did. But it didn't get me anywhere except dealing with feelings of hate and resentment that I wish didn't exist.
Now it's up to you. Are you going to step out and try something - brainstorm all the pos. & neg. and prepare yourself for whatever lies ahead. Or are you going to just let it keep going the way it is and try to find reasons why you can't.
I'll promise that the later will not get you the results you want. The first might not get you exactly what you want, but there are very few cases in life itself where what you want is what you really get. You have to make adjustments, doing what is really best, and sometimes that is very hard to see when your in the mental condition you seem to be in right now. You want things back the way they were, but you don't know how to get them there. You probably feel desperate. That in itself can cause you to make decisions that are not good for either you or your H. So maybe a good pastor could give you some help. And Don't be satisfied with just one pastor's suggestions though, because sometimes even pastors have issues in life they haven't dealt with. The Bible says there is wisdom in much counsel. (not a little, but much) And picking up a Bible and reading a little won't hurt either. Make sure the pastor is giving you advice that comes from the Bible and ask for scripture references when they give it. That's their job, that's what the churches pay them for. So you won't have to pay one of them. Be careful to make sure that what they are telling you isn't a matter of them taking the Bible out of context to suit whatever problems that may be going on in their marriage.
The best way I've seen it all put together, where Biblical principles are met and clear instructions are given is in Dr. Harley's books.
Some of them make it more clear than others, but they are all good books.
Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, helps you understand just where the two of you are in the relationship. My H was a Freeloader and just didn't see it. That was the way he was raised.
Fall in Love, Stay in Love, pretty much sums up the basic concepts in two other books and makes them easier to understand if you read it first. Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs breaks down what Fall in Love Stay in Love has to say and gives you exercises to do. And any information I can email to you directly from the things I have, I will be glad to give.
Take Care
Hope you can sit down and think things through rationally and come up with something.
RMW

sorry about there being two posts made, the computer does it that way sometime when a flood warning has been issued. It said the post wasn't accepted so I pushed add reply again.
RMW

I would like it if you would email me anythig to help. We have been though a lot the past few days and things seem to be getting better, little by little. His aditude has change a lot since we talked. He's still talking to his ex and I am trying my hardest not to check his email. I know that doing so is only hurting me more. My email is Texas_Angel_1979@msn.com. Any info would be helpful and appricated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SandmansAngel197924:
<strong> I have started to take St. Johns Wort to help me feel happy. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Warning

St. John's Wort is a non-prescription anti-depressant.

Anti-depressants should only be taken under a doctor's supervision. They can interact badly when mixed with other prescription and non-prescription drugs or alcohol.

Myth:Anti-depressants are "happy pills" that will make unhappy people feel happy.

False:Anti-depressants treat depression. They cannot make a non-depressed person nor a depressed person feel "happy" they can only alleviate the symptoms of depression. Once a person is no longer battling depression they are better able to create thier own happiness but happiness still is not avaliable in a pill form. Sorry.

Sorry it's been two days since I've checked the forum. My H and I do not have a computer of our own so I have to go to the Library or borrow a computer from someone I know. Sometimes I get a cance each day, sometimes I don't.
I'll try to go through all of the things I have and see what I think might be of any service to you. I'm not sure just when I'll be able to get back to a computer, but I'll try to make it as quickly as I can, being careful to go over my materials.
Next time I'll write to you on your email address instead of the forum.
Got to go for now, I have a crowd of kids coming home in a couple of days and I have to start getting all the food ready for everyone.
Hope things keep going better for you. But just remember, if something comes up again, it's not the end - it just feels like it from time to time.
Get back to you soon.
Merry Christmas!
RMW

Thank you RMW. And to the other post I was told by a doctor to try st. johns wort. Thank you though for the information and consern.
Merry Christmas Every one!

Hi! I am a newlywed too, and the first year of marriage is hard, but you if both love each other, and want it to work, you guys should be ok! One thing that helped me and my H is that we went to a pre-marital seminar given by our county government. It was a 2 part seminar. That first part was about finances. (How to combine finance, how to budget as a couple, etc.) The second part was about how to communicate effectively with your partner. It was so eye-opening and informative. Check with your county gov't to see if they offer something like that. It is isn't for first time couples either, its for anybody getting married. Hope it helps!

Well heres an update. Things are getting a lot better. I told my H I wanted him to stop talking to his Ex all together. I asked him to do it for us....just until things get better. Well he had no problem with it. Last night he e mailed her telling her that until things in our life get better he was no longer going to talk to her to respect me and our marriage! I'm so happy! He wrote the e mail let me read it then let me hit the send button so I knew it was sent. We had a wonderful christmas with just the two of us. Went and saw Lord of the rings then came home and spent the rest of the night together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . We stayed up til 4am talking like we use to and being a married couple. Thank you all for the great advise. We are still going to do the counsling thing but things are getting better a little everyday. Hope you all have a wonderful new year!

sandmansAngel

Hi. It's me again. I sure was glad to hear that your H was so willing to stop talking to the other girl. That in itself was a boost for you I'm sure.

I sent you a personal email and hope you check your inbox soon. If your H was quick to stop the emails, maybe he'll be willing to go over what I have for you.

If you read this before you check your inbox, please check it soon. I'm excited for you and can't wait to hear how things will go.

Maybe one day my H will be that cooperative.

I spent Christmas Eve night having to take med. my doctor prescribed for me (not just Ambien, something strong) just to be able to sleep. So needless to say my Christmas didn't go very well. All I have is the kids, when they can fit me in to their schedules.

I'll be at my brother's shop today changing my plugs and wires on my car so I should have a chance to recheck my email today before I go home.

Congratulations! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Sincerely,
RMW

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thats Great <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sandmans Angel,

I saw you post to lonelywife. It's good to hear that things are still improving for you.

How is MC going?
What about contact with XGF?

I assume both are going well

I have read my husbands emails (before we got married) and I regretted it. He had lied to me about a bachelor party, and from reading his emails, I discovered that not only was he having one, but STRIPPERS were coming into our apartment. He had requested "women with big tits but not sluts." I totally over reacted. I lit candles all over the apartment for him and put condoms all over so he could be safe. I did not take kindly to his emails and lying to me. And still, he has an ex-girlfriend who emails him all the time. I will be in the room and a message will pop up on the screen from her and he will minimize the box so I won't see it. I know he isn't cheating on me, but I don't understand how he can have this "other life" on the computer that doesn't involve me. I feel your pain.

Sandman's Angel,

Good to hear you're getting on with H. Keep communicating and understand him better and help him understand you better. Best of luck. I'm a newlywed husband going through some troubles and am trying to cope. My wife is having an EA with her ex-boyfriend. On plan A now and things are looking up although she has not said when she will cut off all links with him.

Things are not good. After a few weeks of reading his emails I couldn't take it anymore and I told him. He wasn't really upset from what I could see but I guess I was wrong. This weekend he had to goto Dallas for work (remember thats where the ex is) and left me home alone with no phone. Some things happened in the family and his ex was the one to inform me. My sister in law was in the hospital. Then his ex said some things that really pissed me off. I confronted her about the emails and what she had said in them. Then she said "Would it make you mad if I went to his hotel and F***ed him?" I got so mad I sent him a message to his phone telling him I would like it if he didn't see her while he was there. Being that most of his contact to her was though emails I checked his email again. He has sent himself a email knowing I would see it this is it.....

i know you are reading this, just as i said you were going too again, so don't try to act like you didn't read this, or that you're not checking, becouse i know you are, i've had it, i want you to go home, and not come back, nothing has changed, and nothing will change, i can't take it anymore, so i want you too start backing, and as i said, i will get you and all of your things back to tucson, undamaged, aslong as you do not damage anything that belongs to me, do you understand? that means if you brake anything of mine, i will brake something of yours, this is the end for this marriage, i have no more respect for it, i will be back when i get there, i do not want anymore messages or phone calls, The End.


I haven't slept or ate in two days. I can't stop crying and Im making myself sick. He has been gone for 6 days and Im here in Texas with no one to go to. Please someone I have read "Fall in love, Stay in love" but Im at a lose now and I don't know what to do. I know better then to think he would do anything with her and I trust him but my insecurities are ruining our marriage. I do love him with all my heart and I don't want to lose him.

This may be a crucial moment for your relationship. Wait until he approaches you or contacts you. Hear him out...don't try to take charge of the situation. Let him know how you feel...you love him...you don't want to lose him...give him what he needs to get him to want to work things out. Unconditional love is not a myth...if you love him...if you want him...you must be willing to make every sacrifice for him.
My wife is the same as you..we were just fighting over a pair of underwear I fished out from behind our washer last night. They were hers, but she didn't remember them...they are about 5 years old and barely worn...lost in the laundry room abyss. I had retrieved them and thrown them in the washer with some other things, not knowing how old they were. They were fresh and clean. Also, they are too small (she has gained some weight in the past few years
) so naturally she thought they were someone else's that I had decided to wash for some ungodly reason. The advantage I have is that I know her insecurities and I know the underwear are hers and I know that I do not cheat on her. She doesn't know, so I had to withstand a barage of attacks, accusations and offensive language. Then she realized the truth. Good thing I know her so well. She hasn't changed in 6 years and I don't expect her to.
The point is you both need time to understand eachother better. If he does cheat that is one thing, but you can't live your life wondering if he will. He looks at it like this (assuming he is innocent, which you should): 1) If she doesn't trust me...I'm looking at a lifetime of looking over my shoulder, checking every move I make and possibly mistreating every female I come into contact with for absolutely no reason at all. 2) If she doesn't trust me, she won't respect me 3) I'll never be able to make her happy. The list may go on and on.
Please...If you have issues from your past that are causing your insecurities, get help for them. If it is only this situation, give him the benefit of the doubt, stop snooping (it is a sign of disrespect), and give him the time to calm down and decide what he really wants.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Unconditional love is not a myth...if you love him...if you want him...you must be willing to make every sacrifice for him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh...yes it is. This is completely against all the MB concepts.

Love is conditional upon your treatment of a person. Unconditional Love would mean that you would love someone irrespective of his/her treatment of you. That's illogical. If a person beats you, tries to kill you, calls you all sorts of names, and kills your spirit...you will begin to feel hate and eventually apathy.

The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Well he came home last night....we had a really long talk. He is in the mind frame that this is not going to work at all. He thinks that I cannot change. A lot of things came out last night and one took me be total shock. He admitted to "trying to" cheat. The ex that was part of the issue was the girl he tried to cheat on me with. I do believe him when he saids nothing happened. He said that she said she couldn't. She told him he has never cheated before and was not about to let him start. But the fact remains that he was going to and that he wanted to. It hurts really bad that its come to this. He's willing to try and saids he doesn't want it to end but feels that it will. He wants me to go visit my family in Tucson for a month or so. He said that if I really want him to try he needs some time alone. I'm more then willing to take this time apart but at the same time I'm so scared that when I do come back he may decide that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Last night after our talk we went to wal mart. I have been watching Dr. Phil a lot and decided to buy his book "Relationship rescue" on top of that we have decided to get professional help too. I'm so scare of losing him. Thank everyone for all your advise. It has really helped me get though all this with a different outlook on things. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />