So I'm getting divorced. It's been a long haul...over 4 years of "trying"...13 years of "marriage"...and now the end is here.

Most likely you don't know me, but my story has been in the EN section for the past 2 years or so.

About 6 months ago in there, I proposed that I could determine if a marriage will be happy or not be asking 10 questions of the couple to be. Well, the 10 turned into about 27, and each has many parts. LOL

I have spent way too much of my focus during the past 4 years trying to understand my marriage, my wife, and most importantly perhaps, myself. I have followed the stories of many folks here and many folks elsewhere, some good, some bad. From these experiences, and my own, I have created these questions.

For me, I know they will force my future spouse and I (should I ever be so lucky, stupid, hmmm, what word to use? LOL Fortunate, I think...) Anyways, they will work for me. They may not help you in anyway, but I feel like I should post them here, in the event that they can help other people. If even just one (or two).

There's no bigger decision you can make then to marry or not...and not much else will impact you as much in life. It can be wonderful, it can be boring and dull, or it can be downright miserable. Which do you prefer???

Until you know yourself, you will not be able to begin to know a future spouse. So, I suggest strongly that you wait a long time before marriage...why rush into it? PLEASE DON'T LET RELIGION FORCE YOU INTO MARRIAGE....been there, done that. OUCH. BIGTIME OUCH. Sex before marriage is WAY WAY WAY better than divorce after marriage...trust me.

Anyways, here's the list. They should take you a long time to answer honestly together. If it takes you less than 10 hours of direct thought and discussion, I'll say you are NOT ready for marriage. These question, when pursued and answered honestly, I think, will touch just about every facet of your lives, alone and together, and I'll be willing to bet any problems you face in life will at least be somehow related to these questions.

Hopefully this will be your opportunity as a couple to leave no stone unturned, to ask everything, and to explore everything.

Trust me, telling your children someday that you are divorcing, you don't want to do that. You really don't. Far better to be single until you are 30, know yourself (no matter what the age), then to do something you will eternally wish you hadn't.

That said, divorce can be a wonderful thing, fully liberating, and akin to restoration of freedoms of heart, soul, and mind. Has been for me. Just imagine how wonderful it would have been to have spent the last 13 years with someone I truely loved, sharing that time together, bringing 3 into this world together and in true love. Yeah, it IS possible. Yeah, it IS rare.

But it all begins with YOU...and it all begins LONG BEFORE YOU ARE MARRIED.

Feel free to contact me with any questions and comments....I am very glad you are here BEFORE marriage, or BEFORE serious problems arise.

Good luck....Think long, think hard. There is really no bigger decision in life you can make.


1. W/H tell me summary of your life, successes/failures, what drives you, why did you choose your profession? Why do you want to marry H/W?

2. W/H do you think you are going to change much in life? How do you plan to work together on these changes and evolutions?


3. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, any other destructive habits/addictions by either spouse?
4. Cultural differences/issues?
5. W/H do you love god more than your future spouse? Religious issues/differences?

6. W/H tell me what you think about H/W parents/family?
7. W/H tell me about your parents’ marriage and how you think it impacted you?
8. W/H tell me how you think his/her parents impacted H/W?


9. W/H how do you deal with problems? Grab the bulls by the horn or sweep under the rug? Do you agree H/W?

10. W/H can you laugh at yourself? What happens when your H/W says "That was stupid"? Do you get all defensive and say "What about the time YOU did...." or do you say "Yeah, that was pretty stupid, eh?" How do you take critism. comments, review? H/W, do you agree with the other's answers?


11. W/H tell me about your previous relationships. What happened? Why is this one going to be different?

12. W/H what are your dreams and goals? Are these shared? H/W agree? Would you individually (without each other) consider these shared goals and dreams as individual goals and dreams as well? So if one died, or you never met, would you still have these same goals and dreams? Enrichment? Pulling in new directions?

13. Can you wallpaper together? Work together? Prepare dinner together? Etc?


14. W/H do you think your H/W is an equal partner? Is there a leader/follower or leader/submissive partner? Both agree? Is one better than the other? Is one viewed as more successful?

15. W/H what five things would you change about your H/W?
16. W/H why do you respect your H/W? Explain. (This is the BIGGEST QUESTION in my opinion.)

17. What do you do together? Recreational Companionship. What do you do alone? What do you want to do together? Are you both happy with this?
18. W/H how do children fit into your marriage and plans for the future? Do you agree on how to raise kids? On how to discipline?
19. SAHM or SAHD? Issue with this? Miss career? SAHM considered equal partner? Financial?

20. W/H are you happy with your sex life now?
21. W/H how do you think your sex life will change when married?
22. W/H what will happen if you become dissatisfied with your sex life?
23. W/H how does sex affect your feeling of intimacy, happiness, contentment?
24. W/H how will you respond to a sexually unhappy H/W? What if one wants something “different” from the other?
25. W/H are you comfortable with your H/W interest in masturbation and porn? How will you feel when this changes?
26. How do you both feel about divorce? Is it possible? What will you do to assure it never happens to you? Prenuptials been considered and planned? What is your plan for happiness?
27. What do you each of you bring to the marriage?

<small>[ December 24, 2003, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: bp22 ]</small>