I've read all the helpful information on this site, but still don't know what to do. I feel if only one person is working on the marriage, it is doomed.

I have been married since May 2002 - first marriage for us both. We are both in our late 20s early 30s. We lived together for 2.5 years proir to getting married and purchased a home together after we got engaged.

During 2001, we bought a house, got married, and my husband started his own business - that is when things started getting really bad. My husband comes from a disfunctional family (father died when he was very young and mom has a lot of misplaced affection for my husband) and I think that plays into our issues.

Our issues - I think my husband is selfish, inconsiderate, and takes complete advantage of me. When he started the business, we both knew if would be stressful - but how stressful - we had no idea. He is never home and then he feels like most of his spare time (which isn't much) should be spent on activities that he enjoys, or family (his family, not mine) functions. Yet, he expects me to have a hot meal on the table every night (whether or not he decides to eat it), clean, cook, and take care of our dog. It got to the point a few months ago where I felt like I was living in a verbally abusive home (there was a lot of fighting, yelling, name calling on both of our parts) and I moved out.

I am currently staying with my parents - we still see each other and talk to each other but not much has changed. We are getting along better - but there is still that theme that he is going to do whatever he wants, when he wants. I expected him to really try to woo me back into our home, I guess and he didn't - he is still neglectful to a point (not calling when he says he will, not really making any effort to see me) and acts like this is just a temporary break that is really doing us good.

I don't know what to do. I do love him and want to save my marriage. I know he loves me and he is overwhelmed with the stress of running his own business - but I can't help thinking - I deserve so much better than this. Any advice for this lonely wife?

lonelywife

Welcome to MB, Sorry you have to be here but in your situation, it's a good place to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've read all the helpful information on this site, but still don't know what to do. I feel if only one person is working on the marriage, it is doomed.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is important that you focus on youself. You need to be happy for you and continue to do things to meet his needs. Making personal improvements in yourself will reflect on him. The point is to become more desireable to him for him to have the desire to "really try to woo you back into your home".

Even if he doesn't come around and realize what he's losing out on, you will become a better person for it.

Start following the basic concepts of MB.

Here is some advice from TooMuchCoffeeMan that can't be beat. He wrote it for a H so the wording is based on a male perspective, by the concept applies to anyone. Not all things will apply to your situation but you can be the judge of that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by TMCM
1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your W. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive (It really is, you know!). Remember that there are millions of people out there who are worse off than you are at this moment and who would trade places with you in a second.


2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. It is therapeutic.

3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Convey in every which way to your W that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, "I will make it! I prefer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it." State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your W brief and
to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if she wants to "hook" you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.

5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernal of truth in what your W is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. If she says "I don’t love you anymore.", you say to her "It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.". If she says "I’m not sure what I want." You say "Yes, it must be confusing for you." If she tells you "I’m thinking of moving out." You say "Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activites."

6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX. Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with somone. I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about being friends and learning
about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy.

Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. She will pick up on your motive and see through it. She will easily manipulate you back to where
he/she wants you (whereever that was to make you predictable and controllable). You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity. Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if she decides to 'work on the marriage.' But, don’t expect it!

Even if your marriage does not survive, the above strategies are for YOUR benefit and will make you an extremely attractive man for another woman worthy of your love.
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Hi there,
I read your post and felt like I could relate to your situation. My H and I lived together for about a year before we got married. We had our own jobs and friends but still had time for each other. We got married May 31st, 2003 and moved to Texas from Arizona. Keep in mind that I was born and raised in Az and he was born and raised in Tx. The whole reason for the move was that his father and brother started up a family business and they needed our help. Things seemed great, we didn't have to pay rent, electric, water, etc. The company did it. We found out the hard way that working and living together was not easy. This made our marriage very hard. We fight all the time and we are always stressed out. Be it the company or the marriage. I just quit the business about a month ago but things are still the same. Everything is about him. How he is changing and I'm not. How he is trying to make this marriage work and I'm not. All this from his point of view. Things have gotten a little better but he still has an aditude. Nothing I do or say is right and when I try to talk to him about how I feel he tells me it's nothing he doesn't already know. I call him during the day and his answer is "Yes, Dear. What do you want?" in a mono tone voice. Like I'm a bother to even talk to. Same goes with when we are both home. He sits and watches t.v. or is on the computer. We never really "spend" time together. I asked him to take the "Emothional Neededs" questionaier and basicly every answer was he wanted less. Less love?! How can you do that?

Let me get to my point....Everyday I wake up with a postive aditude. I act happy (even if I'm not) I talk to him even if he doesn't want to. Sometimes I hear what I want and sometimes I don't. Little by little things have gotten better. I try not to put to much stress on our marriage and I don't bring up the past. I've been reading Dr. Harleys book "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" it has helped a lot. Has made me understand a little more about being married and what you need to do and what not to do. I suggest you get this book. I think it will help you a lot too.

Be strong and keep your head up. I don't know if my advice is right or not but I do know I feel your pain since I'm going though simular things. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can e mail me at Texas_Angel_1979@msn.com.

Take care,
Sandmans Angel