I need some advise here. I am 29 years old with (2) children already, ages 11 and 13. I've been married for 2 years and 3 months. When I first met my husband he had a daughter he "thought" was his when after taking a paternaty test, it was not. So that put the pressure on me to have another baby. I really didn't plan on having anymore children but I know that would be selfish of me not to give my husband his only child. My reasons for not wanting a baby right now is because I work full time and go to school part time for my BSN in nursing. My schedule is so hectic right now I can't see where I would fit a baby in. Not to mention I have a sick son with sickle cell disease so that alone is emotionally draining with all his doctor appointments and everything else that come with sickle cell. My fears are that if I had another baby, my dreams of becoming a nurse and staying track with school are going to be jeopodised. My husband also works full time and goes to school part time as well for nursing. I asked him where would the support be if I chose to have a child now since he works full time from 4-12am and every other weekend. He told me that I should be the caretaker for the first two years until he graduate...Where would that leave me??? I feel that if this is something so right to do why does it feel so wrong. My other fear is that our marriage won't work then I would be left with 3 kids (which I am terrified of) I was a single parent for 12 years and that is something I do not want to go through again. Is my life a little easier now that my children are older, yes...am I being selfish for not wanting a baby??? The flip side to this story is that I know in the long run if I don't give my husband a child he will probably leave me the other issue is that I will be 30 in a few months. I don't have too much more time...complications with pregnancy are higher with age. I love my husband but I'm not 100 sure with our marriage because we went through some things. A part of me feels that he wants me to have a baby so he can be secure with our marriage. I don't know, maybe I'm just scared...Maybe I'm content with my space and freedom now...a baby is such a hugh responsibilty and I already have so much going on...anyone with any advise would be greatly appreciated.

DONT HAVE ANOTHER BABY, ARE YOU NUTZ?

Your husband is the most selfish man on earth. Trying to keep you home taking care of a baby you made for him just so he can see what the baby looks like.

Please dont let his extreme selfishness push you into bearing another child and raising it for 20 years while giving up your own life. Have a tubal and let your husband keep trying for a child or tell your husband you are done having kids.

If he wants to leave you over this issue, he does not love you enough and could leave you if YOU DID HAVE THE BABY FOR HIM!

If one partner does not want a baby then NO ONE gets to have one! It has to be total agreement when we are talking about 20 years of raising a precious child. And you would give your precious body to bear the child. FORGET IT!

Two kids thru your body is enough. You will resent a third one if you do not want one. Do not give in to him. he is selfish and does not love you enough.

Baba - We are all well aware of your stance against babies, so please relax, ok? All your comments to couples questioning whether or not to have children are always negative. Why even post on these subjects if you only seek to discourage? You know nothing about having a baby so how can you speak from experience?

I see selfishness on both sides. W wants to be a career girl and have everything on the plate including a healthy M and satisfied H. Doesn't work! Make up your mind - career or marriage/family. There's only so many hours in a day and so much time to spend being a wife and mother. Why not raise the kids first and then work outside the home? I'm not talking about single mothers who HAVE to work outside of the home, I'm referring to those women who have fallen into the trap of thinking they can have the whole plate and not be exhausted.

These are issues that should have been resolved prior to M. Did you marry out of desperation or loneliness? That's understandable but not wise. Your H is simply asking you to be a SAHM for 2 years while he pursues a career that enables you folks to live comfortably. He wants to be the provider - you should be grateful instead of rebellious.

You indicate some insecurities about your M. Are you two in counseling for these issues? He is selfish for wanting to bring a baby into a M with problems and a W unsure of her commitment. I would recommend some in-depth counseling with a pro-marriage professional, or some mediation with a licensed mediator.

The only reasons I see for you considering another baby is that he now realizes he doesn't have a biological child of his own and you're afraid he'll leave you if you don't. These are not good reasons. Having a baby to save a marriage is the wrong reason and seems to damage the marriage even worse in most instances. And caring for one child with special medical needs sounds as if it's draining your energy enough without a newborn in the picture.

What do your current children think of adding another child to the family? Did you discuss having more children before you married this man?

I am curious about the child he thought was his. How long did he believe this and what was his relationship with this child like before the DNA test?

Sorry if I have more questions than advice, but I think they need to be addressed.

A few ? for you.

How much longer do you have to finish your BSN program? Are you in a program with supportive faculty or faculty that gets a kick out of making it very difficult for student nurses? How much longer until your H finishes his program?

How in control is your child's sickle cell disease? How often does he crisis? Does he have chronic pain? How does your H feel about your child's disease? Is he outwardly supportive to you? to your son? How involved is he in both of your children's lives?

I'm a nurse, have been for 18 years. I have 3 kids, my middle one(13 yo) is multiply handicapped. I can understand your struggles. I became a nurse because I wanted to make sure I could always support myself independently. I can see where you are coming from.

A baby needs to be born out of love, not fear, or intimidation or coersion. A baby deserves a mother who can and will be home with it to nurture it. No one can love or care for your baby in quite the way, you, it's mother can. IMHO now does not seem like quite the time.

You are young! 30 is not old. I worked labor and delivery for 13 of my 18 nursing years and believe me, you have plenty of time! Even if it took you 4 years to finish your BSN program you still have plenty of time to have a baby. What is the big hurry? Slow down, keep your priorities in order. When you finish your BSN program, and your H finishes his, then you will be rid of an incredible amount of stress that at this time would hinder the joy a baby can bring. Use this time to get ready to have a baby, by supporting each other in your efforts to secure a stable financial future for yourselves. Simplify, simplify, don't make your life more harried and complicated. We can't enjoy our loved ones and we lose sight of what's important when we get too busy. It sounds like you are busy enough right now. That stress is not healthy for a marriage and if you've already had some problems then I'd advise waiting until the weight of school is no longer an issue and then see how you feel about having a baby. My guess is that you'll feel more comfortable with it later rather than sooner. All the best to you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dobie:
<strong> The only reasons I see for you considering another baby is that he now realizes he doesn't have a biological child of his own and you're afraid he'll leave you if you don't. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN!

You may be right baba but I really dont' see that my H is being selfish...he doesn't have any children and he badly wants one...For a man I think that is important...but I understand where you are coming from...As far as resentment, yes I can see that happening if I chose to have a baby for him and things don't work out as planned.

I do want to have a career and a family (which I already have) and I'm balancing everything ok right now because my priorities are in order, it's just that a baby takes so much more of your time and I can't wait until my kids are grown to finish my dream of becoming a nurse. It's already in place...What if I did stop everything right now, have a baby, and then while my H already graduated, living his dream and we don't work out??? I would be left with 3 kids, struggling even more to finish school and older with less patience..I know I might sound insecure about our marriage right now but I always need a back up plan...because U just never know...We are not in counseling but he is willing to go if I asked him. The issues we are having are minor and we are working through them right now...

My kids are ok with me having another baby. But I will be the one taking care of him/her...Me and H never really discussed having children in the beginning of our M because like I said he thought he had a daughter and with my 2 boys we were fine with that. My H thought the little girl was his for about 1 year in a half. She was 2 when he found out she wasn't his and the relationship he had with her was ok.

I've been in school for about 2 years now. I'm still finishing my prereqs so I have at least 4.5 more years to complete my BSN. My H has 2 yrs for completion. He started before me so he has that jump. My son's sickle cell is under control right now. He hasn't been admitted to the hospital for a few years now. But I have to take him to children's hospital to get a Apheresis treatment every 3 weeks, along with all his other follow up appointments. It can become overwhelming sometimes. My H is supportive of my children and he wants the best for them. The most confusing part of this baby delima is one part of me wants a baby but the other part doesn't. I was pregant 2 years ago but I had a miscarriage at 3 months. I feel like if I don't have a baby now, I'm not going to have one. I don't want to be in my 30's having another baby. (and yes I know 30 plus isn't old) I told him that we can start working on a baby, but he doesn't know that I'm on birth control. I know that's wrong but I'm trying to buy myself some time to think about this. Why is this so heavy??? I have all the answers to my own questions, it's just nice to hear other people's opionion. Thanks guys...speaking of guys...can I get a man's point of view <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> on this if they're any out there!!!

I gave you my point of view yesterday - it hasn't changed after reading your additional comments. I will add that your deceiving him and your general overall attitude of selfishness is not condusive to a M based on trust and commitment. Did you take your wedding vows to heart when you got this man to M you and take in your kids? Were you honest and upfront with him BEFORE the wedding about your career goals versus motherhood and being a W? As a man, I know what it is to be manipulated and hurt. I think your H deserves better from you. I would suggest you do a soulsearch of your priorities and a careful inventory of where your life is headed. If you continue on this path of manipulation and deception you may wind up single again. Guess I just gave you a MB 2x4 but I hope you wake up and smell the coffee.

Have you read any of the information provided on this site?

Your marriage can benefit greatly from the principles found here, specifically radical honesty and the policy of joint agreement. One spouse should never benefit at the expense of the other.You should mutually agree, enthusiatically, in decisions, especially one as important as bringing another human being into the world. To not agree together will ensure resentment in one or both parties. Resentment is a main component of what breaks down a marriage.

Talk to you husband, do not deceive him.

It's been a little over a year since this post began. Don't know if you are still here on MB, but I was curious as to how things turned out for you a year later.

I'm in a similar situation, could use some insight.