My fiance and I are currently living together. He has had 2 DWI's prior to us getting together. Every Tuesday night he participates in a bowling league. And for the past two months, has driven home from bowling under the influence.

I have tried everything from crying, screaming, leaving and even trying to make him aware of the legal consequences that may result from his actions. Each time he tells me this is the only time he has to enjoy himself or tells me he will not go bowling anymore or promises that he will not drive drunk/under the influence again. Last week, we got into a huge agruement about him drinking and driving and he once again made me promises that he once again could not keep. I told him last week that if he drove drunk again I would get his Dad involved and I would leave him. On Tuesday night, he once again came home drunk but this time he lied to me. I asked him if he had anything to drink and he said "No". After a while, I asked him again, "Are you sure you didn't drink?" once again, "No". I then asked him a second time, "Are you sure?" and he then said "Well, I had 3 beers and then when I got home I walked down the street to the pub and had 2 more."

I love him madly. We have been best friends since High School and about a year ago got back together after being apart for 8 years. We instantly fell in love all over again! We are to get married in the Fall '04 and I am really worried about our relationship and his problem with alcohol. In addition, I am now in a bad spot. I told him that if he drove drunk again it would lead to consequences and he did. I really don't want to leave him but I feel that if I don't he will not take me seriously or get help for himself. In addition our love life is suffering tremendously b/c of his drinking problem.

Please give me some suggestions - I am trying to keep it together but am having much difficultly. I am not willing to give up yet!
Many thanks in advance,
Yellowgirl

Are we involved with the same man? My H is also in a bowling league that bowls on Tuesday nights, and he, too, drives home under the influence.

I was very, VERY worried about this when we first got married. He was much worse back then (married six years ago). He has gotten better in the past couple of years, though.

Also, for men, three beers may not be much. He could still be within legal limits. Three pitchers on the other hand, that could be a problem.

Take note of his behavior when he comes home (if you're still awake, that is -- does he come home late or early? My H used to come home very very late, like midnight or one, which drove me nuts. But he's been much better and has been coming home around 10:30 lately, so I'm happier). Can he walk? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Can he talk? Are his eyes bloodshot? If he has had little to a moderate amount of alcohol, he will probably be fine.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't still worry sometimes, though. But his behavior did improve over time, so there's hope.

However...the one thing that really pops out at me in your post is that he lied to you about his drinking. He wanted you to think well of him, but still, lying to you was a big no-no.

When you say that your love life has been affected by his drinking problem, are you specifically referring to, ah, performance in bed, or are you talking about your side of the relationship, as in, you are feeling like you're falling out of love with him because he refuses to listen to you?

It is very good that you are upfront with him about how you feel about his drinking. Just make sure you say things with tact and gentility.

Will you be ok with this when you marry and have kids and he thinks it's ok to drive under the influence with your children in the car?

He lies to you as well.

He's so selfish that all he cares about is himself and not the innocent people he could kill as a result of his choices.

If you had a daughter and she came to you and said she was going to marry this guy how would you feel?

Marriage doesn't make problems better it makes them worse. Do not give ultimatums as threats, you ruin your credibility and he will ultimately have no reason to respect or believe you.

If he's really interested in having a HEALTHY relationship with you, then he'll quit the drinking. If he doesn't, and you go ahead and marry him, just realize YOU are choosing a life that will be harder and more painful than it has to be. Love doesn't lie, love isn't selfish, love thinks of others. Are you sure that what you have here is really love or something that just feels like it?

I want to say thanks to the both of you! My reply to lavender - thank you for the insite. It is great to have someone that has either been in the same situation or is in the same situation extend their advice. He can walk when he gets in the door but his speach is impaired. As far as the love life goes - it is in the bedroom. I just can't be intimate with someone who is breathing beer breath in my face when I am completely sober. I truly believe it will get better but right now he is treating me like I have done something wrong - he is not speaking to me (2 days) nor are we sleeping in the same room.

My reply to mthrrhbard is thankful too. I do realize the danger he might ensue on someone else. And it worries me greatly! I have faith that he would never put our children in danger - but that is a good point. On another note - it is true love but building a relationship/life together is tough. It's a lot of give and take and that is something new to me. I am an only child! So, at this point I have some great insite from the both of you and I am greatful. I will see what the weekend brings and touch base next week. Many thanks! Yellowgirl

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. I truly believe it will get better but right now he is treating me like I have done something wrong - he is not speaking to me (2 days) nor are we sleeping in the same room.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A couple of ?'s. What did you do wrong? Why is he punishing you? This appears to be manipulation on his part. On what evidence do you base your belief that things will get better?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have faith that he would never put our children in danger </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again I ask, "On what evidence do you base your faith?" Current behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Can he change? Sure, but only if he wants to. You can't change him, he can only change himself. What motivation does he have to change? People usually don't make difficult changes without a strong motivater. What does he have to motivate him? If you tolerate the behavior he'll likely continue the behavior.

Why would you want to live your life with someone who needs to numb themselves with alcohol? If you love him fine, stay with him, but do not marry him and do not have children with him until he recognizes his problem and does something about it and achieves success in controlling it. Otherwise you are signing up for heartache. All the best to you!